You just made my list!

So I was thinking, maybe I should do a douchebag-of-the-year award kind of thing but there were too many assholes to pick from. My brain started to boil over while mentally running down the list of potential “winners” and I had a small rage-induced stroke. After recovering I decided that this little idea of mine was too difficult and felt like actual work so I sent it back to hell. While trying to narrow down all the wonderful D-bags of 2008 I realized people from the Food Network kept popping up. So somehow the idea turned into this handy guide to the douchebags and non-douchebags of the Food Network.

*Quick note: If anyone comments that I am “jealous” of any of these people I will hunt you down and pee in your mouth.

OK, here’s the list in order of shittiest to least crappy.

#1 GUY FIERI (tie)
SUPER ULTRA TOOL
Oh Guy, sweet sweet Guy. This is your 3rd appearance on my list, congratulations you big fucking turd! I hate you and your 1950’s via 1992 Swingers clothes and if I hear you describe a sandwich as “money” one more time fire will shoot from my ears. The sight of your fat, sweaty face is about as appetizing as watching a homeless person puke on a pile of dog shit.




#1 DUFF GOLDMAN (tie)
MEGA COCK HOLE
Duff and his whole staff of wannabe cool kids bug the living shit out of me. NERDS! You can throw devil horns in the air all you want and grow a little pussy beard but you will never hide the fact that you are a dork. By the way, when I say “pussy beard” I mean it literally looks the pubic hair of a girl in Penthouse. The best part about this jerk is that his cakes AREN’T EVEN CAKE! He makes his “cakes” out of rice krispies, wood, metal and rope. Delicious! “Blow out your candles Bobby but DON’T eat the cake, I repeat do not try and eat your cake, you will die!”




#2 EMERIL LAGASSE
FAT, LOUD TURD
This guy is shit from head to toe. Why is it that the quickest way to the general public’s heart is to trim your identity down to one simple concept? Larry The Cable Guy has his “git ‘er done” and Emeril has his trademark “BAM” to fire up his audience of drooling underachievers. He’s a crappy chef and an even crappier piece of crap.




#3 RACHAEL RAY
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
Welcome back to the list Rachael! You still suck and you’re still loud and abrasive like a chainsaw ripping through a chain link fence. Is she married? I can not imagine a worse fate than marrying that mouth of hers. She is exactly the kind of woman I could never date. Even if she was super hot, which she is not, I would not be able to take that voice and the incessant cutesy “EVOO” “yummers” bullshit.




#4 PAULA DEEN
LOUD, ANNOYING AND LOUD
If you put me in a room with Rachael Ray and Paula Deen I guarantee I could claw my way through brick and steel to escape. Boy do I hate “aw shucks” down-home country charm. She’s the Forrest Gump of the Food Network. I bet she fucking LOVED Sarah Palin and her folksy stupidity.




#5 BOBBY FLAY
ASS
This guy thinks he’s the Fonzie of the Food Network. Why is he always “throwing down” and challenging people? We get it, you’re a street smart kid who grew up on the mean streets of New York. Can’t he let some guy in South Carolina be the best at making chili? Does he have to blow into town with the intention of taking everyone down a notch? Sit on it Flay!




#6 ALTON BROWN
BORDERLINE DOUCHEBAG
Eh, I guess Alton Brown is OK for the most part but he does have a pinch of doucheiness don’t you think? He’s a little perky for my taste and I get the impression he thinks he’s cool. Not so much, Alton. He’s right in the middle between sucking and being awesome because he is extremely knowledgeable and owns a motorcycle.




#7 TYLER FLORENCE
SEEMS OK TO ME
I don’t know, he seems nice enough, right? He’s not very annoying and that’s probably why the Food Netowrk has only given him one show. Come on Tyler, turn the annoying knob to 11 and you might get 2 or 3 more shows. Try yelling more!






#8 MARIO BATLI
FULL OF HIMSELF BUT STILL AWESOME
Yeah, Mario thinks he’s the shit and he likes to brag about the celebrities he hangs with but his amazing talent trumps all of that. “Molto Mario” is one of the all-time great programs on the Food Network. This guy knows his shit and it’s fascinating to listen to him discuss Italian cuisine. I’ve eaten at one of his restaurants and it was awesome. Suck it Emeril!




#9 JAMIE OLIVER
AWESOME
I used to HATE Jamie Oliver but I can’t remember why exactly. I do remember when I started liking him though. There was a reality show that chronicled his opening of a restaurant that was to be completely staffed by troubled kids from the wrong side of the tracks. This was no bullshit show, these kids were “bad” and although they constantly screwed Jamie over he never gave up on them. It was honestly inspiring and made me love the guy. Sorry for having feelings!




#10 GIADA DE LAURENTIIS
BOOBS!
Sorry girls, it’s just the way things go. Sure Giada is pretty annoying but Jesus Christ does she know how to dress and flash that cleavage! She seems like a good chef but I am usually too hypnotized by the boobs to notice. OK, her head is huge (physically) and she’s overly enthusiastic but she’s hot and loves to show off that kissing cleavage. That alone is enough to make her the most awesome Food Network chef. Sorry, It’s my fucking list!

This was torture. I am never putting this much work into this blog again.

Geez God, what the hell? Did you have to kill Eartha Kitt on Christmas? Is it because she sang about your arch-rival Santa Claus in the amazing “Santa Baby”? Man, take a day off from all the killing and enjoy your son’s birthday.

Eartha Kitt was my favorite Catwoman, hands down and “Santa Baby” is in my top 10 Christmas songs of all time. Eartha Kitt was awesome. She passed away from colon cancer in her Connecticut home at age 81.

Hey guess what happens EVERY winter in Chicago… IT SNOWS!

Keeping this bit of trivia in mind, why does the local news act as if the sky is raining shards of glass and infected hypodermic needles every time a little snow is on the way? Fine, tell me a storm is on the way but do it like this… “Tonight in weather news, some snow is on the way, probably about 5 inches. You know what to do, so let’s leave it at that. On to other news about real things…”

All it takes is a little snow making its way towards our city and the news people start ejaculating all over each other. They will literally use up half of the news to discuss it. They might as well just run the same footage for each storm because year after year, storm after storm, it is always the same.

Here’s a handy how-to guide for creating your own TV snow report:

1) Go to the airport and talk to people in line whose flight has been canceled. Film some people sleeping on chairs and a family in Hawaiian shirts looking concerned. Roll some footage of the departure screen filled with the word “canceled,” that seems to get people worked up!

2) Show the Streets and Sanitation commissioner at a podium explaining that they will first plow and salt the main roads and then the side streets.

3) Interview a fat guy with a Ditka mustache who drives a snow plow. He will say something like “Looks like we will be workin’ true da night ta clear dees streets, whatever it takes.”

4) Cut to a hardware store and explain that a snow shovel can be used to move snow.

5) Interview people on the street about snow. They won’t have much to say but you can see their breath! Extra points if you can find a guy from Africa who has never seen snow before.

6) Footage of people getting blown over by the wind. Impactful and induces fear of wind, NICE!

7) Cut back to the weather guy (with visible erection) and refer to his desk as “Storm Center 3000”.

Repeat each time it snows.

Please make it stop. I beg you to wake me from this nightmare and tell me I have been in a coma for 5 years. In a gentle, caring voice explain to me that while in my coma my brain invented an entire universe that does not actually exist. Put your hand on the side of my face and tell me this Ashton Kutcher monster existed only in my hang-gliding-accident-coma-mind and I am free now. Tell me I am free to live in a world without Ashton Kutcher. Is that you ma? I’m back ma, your little baby boy is alive!

Holy shit does Will Smith and the rest of his boring family suck! The Smith/Pinkett Smith dynasty is so average and boring I’m having a hard time coming up with words that sufficiently describe their mega suckitude.

Oh my god, I literally just remembered his shit music! When I started writing this rant I totally forgot about his musical “talent”. Fuck this guy and his blandy blandness!

Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are like red apples, everyone likes them but when you really think about it they suck. Sure you can sort of enjoy a red apple (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air) but half way through that apple you realize you have had enough and move on to more kickass fruits like grapes or oranges and never look back.

And the award for the least loving, most soulless, awkward kiss goes to… Lee and Ann Marie from the eHarmony commercial!

Poor Lee was going in a hundred different directions before he met Ann Marie. Lee has been saved! I practically see this couple in my sleep thanks to this never-ending ad campaign.

Call me crazy but I swear if you pay attention to the body language in this commercial Lee is not really that into Ann Marie. I’m guessing Ann Marie is the driving force in this relationship and SHE probably proposed to HIM! Lee looks like a kidnapped journalist forced to read a statement by his terrorist captors while they stand beside him with machine guns. Seriously, watch the part where they talk about knowing when you have found the right person. Ann Marie makes sure to remind Lee that “he knows” she is the one. She sticks that gun right against his face and screams “You know! You know! American rock and roll pig, YOU KNOW! Mr. McDonalds Pac Man, YOU KNOW!”

I also like that she can’t pronounce the name Lee. It’s one syllable and it rhymes with “tea” not “bay.” Ann Marie better be careful though because it sounds like Lee has a bit of an anger management problem and if you mispronounce his name he could fucking snap!

Enjoy!

Let me try and describe what I’m talking about. You know that part of most shampoo or lotion commercials when you are shown an animation of the product “working” as if it had a mind of its own? Well, it makes me crazy. For example, they will show shampoo floating through your hair looking for damage like a coast guard helicopter searching for survivors of a capsized boat. When these magic balls find dry hair they attach themselves and lovingly fix the problem like shampoo angels.

Does anyone actually believe this is what that cold blob of shampoo is doing on your head? Sadly, I think the answer is yes. I think there are people who really think hand lotion has the ability to seek out cracks in their skin like a police dog searching for drugs. These people are dumb.

However, nothing can rival a kangaroo shooting a bottle of shampoo out of its purple vagina.

I rarely get sick anymore thanks to a year I spent working out of a friend’s home. Her kids showered me in sneezes, boogers and dirty hands giving me every virus known to man in the process. I was literally sick for at least 3 months straight. Now, thanks to my new super immune system and relatively clean living, I only get sick about once a year. Now is that time.

I want to die. I hate being sick. All I can think about is the fact that I can’t remember what it feels like NOT to be sick.

Sorry, this is a boring post but I’M SICK!

I also hate that girl, Kari Byron, on Mythbusters. She is about 93% less hot than she thinks she is. I proved it with science.