I know I already wrote some brilliant prose about pimp costumes today but I can no longer bite my tongue on the subject of Balloon Boy and his fucked up family. I wasn’t going to write about them because honestly there is nothing I could say that you have not already thought yourself. But now that I have seen the Henne family rap song I want the entire family tossed in jail.
Check out the Henne brothers rapping about pussification, shitting, farting, pissing and “Faggots.” What a classy family.
Question: Have you ever seen a guy dressed as a pimp for Halloween who was NOT a huge douchebag? Answer: No.
I think a better name for this costume would be “Guy who will fail to give you an orgasm but will jizz in your hair before yacking all over your bed and probably also a little in your hair so now you have barf and jizz in your hair.” That might be a little long for the packaging but you have to admit, it’s catchy!
I would be willing to bet my life savings (currently in negative status) that both Jon Gosselin and Guy Fieri have dressed as pimps at some point in their douchey lives. Chew on THAT before you decide to dress as a pimp this year!
This is one of those subjects that I can’t believe even needs to be debated, and yet here we are. Actually, I don’t think there is a single “normal” person who would argue on the side of this rapist but that doesn’t seem to be an issue for a long list of Hollywood power players.
If you don’t know the story of Roman Polanski, here is a short version. In 1978, at age 43, Polanski takes a 13-year-old girl to Jack Nicholson’s house to photograph her nude. But wait, that’s the most innocent part of this fucked-up story. Creepy kiddie porn quickly became creepier when Polanski got the girl drunk, drugged her and raped her. Yeah, this motherfucker raped a 13-year-old girl IN HER ASS after drugging her. What an artist! This piece of shit fled to France where he has lived in exile ever since. That is until he made the mistake of traveling to Switzerland this year where he was finally arrested.
Yay, the child rapist has been arrested, let’s all breathe a sigh of relief and be happy justice will finally be served after all these years. That’s what a normal person thinks, but that’s not how Martin Scorsese, Woody Allen, Wes Anderson, Tilda Swinton, Jonathan Demme, John Landis and over 100 other Hollywood assholes think. They have all signed a petition demanding Polanski’s release based on his merits as a filmmaker. In their warped, self absorbed minds raping a child is no biggie as long as you are an award winning film director. How is this even up for debate?
There are people on that list, like Scorsese and Anderson, whom I USED to really admire, but I am going to have to seriously reconsider that admiration. Would these same people sign a petition for my release if I drugged and raped a 13 year old? I mean, I made a music video that was broadcast on Mtv in the 80s as part of Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest, shouldn’t that count for something?
I wonder how these assholes would feel if if that tiny garden gnome Polanski raped their daughters?
God really fucked up when he created the centipede. I mean what the hell was he thinking? If his intention was to create an insect so creepy that it could cause me to piss my pants every time I see one, then bravo God, you win! There is only one thing worse than a living centipede, and that’s a freshly killed centipede. It’s not enough that they look like an 8th grade mustache scooting across your wall when they are alive, but they somehow manage to look even more disgusting when dead with their twitching, hairy legs.
90% of the time when I’m driving and I see another driver make a jackass move, they are busy texting away. I drive up next to them and give them a look that says, “I disapprove of you and your ways.” 92% of the time I am stranded behind someone at a stop sign or a green light it’s because the car in front of me is texting their friend important information like “I M in car, B ther in 5. LOL.” I’m not sure why they are texting LOL at the end of that but I’m sure they are.
Get off your fucking phone and stop driving like you are playing Grand Theft Auto and purposely trying to run down prostitutes.
That is, unless you are me.
I was recently awarded the “World’s Best Driver” award from the International Federation of Driving Arts and Being Awesome. Yeah, I’m that good at driving. I’m even better at driving while writing emails, buying shit on eBay, texting, playing PacMan and looking at porn on my iPhone. I once watched an entire season of Lost on my phone while driving 115 miles per hour through the desert. I wasn’t even wearing a shirt for Christ’s sake!
You, on the other hand, drive like a cockknuckle while texting on your less-cool-than-the-iPhone phone of yours. The next time your texting gets in the way of my trip to Red Lobster, I’m going to pull up next to you and pee in your window. You have been warned.
Speaking of texting, I would like to admit to the dumbest idea I have ever had. I am ashamed of myself for this “invention” but I feel that sharing it will somehow cleanse me. Here goes…
I was driving and thought “Wouldn’t it be easier to text if I could just speak into the phone and it would use voice recognition to create a text?” Well idiot, here’s an idea, instead of speaking a text message how’s about you just fucking call the other person and SPEAK it directly to them. I hate myself for being that dumb.
How is it possible that I still see people walking around with pantyhose on their heads? Is this fashion nightmare here to stay? Is it as ingrained into popular culture as the baseball hat or Tasmanian Devil tattoos? Why am I the last awesome person left on this godforsaken planet?!?
I especially like white guys who wear do-rags. Nothing says “I got fired from Outback Steakhouse for masturbating on my lunch break in the janitor’s closet” like a white guy in a do-rag. And don’t think you Larry The Cable Guy lovin’, Keysotne Light drinkin’, Nickelback listenin’, Harley ridin’ sum bitches are gonna sneak by unnoticed. The white trash do-rags come pre-tied! How hard is it tie a panty on your head? At least ghetto dudes take the time to tie their own do-rags, but you American Chopper fans are apparently too busy searching for that Slim Jim that rolled under the couch to be bothered.
In summation, you look like an asshole with that thing on your head. Unless you are a pirate or you have cancer. Cancer patients are allowed to rag it up.
Hold on a second, I’m getting a text… What’s that? Meet at Monica’s pool? Bring Smirnoff Ice, turntables, foam cushions and an ironic hat? What are my crazy friends up to now?!?
You know why none of these wacky commercials featuring hipsters organizing and pulling off crazy magical stunts make any sense? Because douchebag hipsters lack the ability to get off their dirty asses to do anything, unless it involves 10 speed bikes and/or skinny jeans. If real hipsters were to attempt to fill a pool with foam and jump into it, I can guarantee the local emergency room would be filled with ironic mustaches and body odor that night.
Much like the world’s most ridiculous appropriation of “youth culture” for advertising purposes, these commercials ask you to believe the world is filled with twenty-somethings dressed in thrift store clothes who spend their days doing awesome secret stuff. The kind of stuff that you remember the rest of your life, like eating fake mayonnaise on a roof! Sounds KILLER dude!
Hey, let’s steal some cushions, ruin a pool and share our lice!
Hey, let’s steal lifesaving fire extinguishers and vandalize a gas station!
Hey, let’s wreck a highway and then put our smelly heads close together while driving on it, as if leaning over helps you hear better, you dicks!
Hey, let’s break into a cemetery and wreck it with our body odor!
