Fuck you Jill, fuck you Kevin and fuck you anyone who has emailed this video with a little note that says “OMG this is awesome! Hilarious, a MUST SEE!”
There are a lot of things about this video that offend me, but the thing that REALLY makes me insane is the fact that this wacky dancing wedding shit is OLD NEWS! Jill and Kevin are way at the end of a long list of douchebags who worked up some lame wedding dance in an attempt to find internet fame. Why is everyone acting like Kevin and his whore bride Jill have invented something new? Yeah, Jill is a whore by the way.
At least the shitheads who did the Thriller dance at their wedding a few years ago put some effort into it. Jill, Kevin and their fat-fuck friends thought it was good enough to put on sunglasses and randomly convulse their way down the aisle. Oh, the fucking sunglasses make me so fucking mad. The kind of people who think a pair of sunglasses paired with a suit make you look “cool” are the same tools who slap on a Hawaiian shirt (tucked into khaki shorts of course) and a plastic lei before heading to the Jimmy Buffet concert. You see, the Hawaiian shirt conveys a general fondness for the beach party lifestyle while the plastic lei says “Hey bro, I own over 15 CDs and close to 30 MP3s so obviously I know how to party!”
The other thing that really perplexes me about Jill (the whore) and Kevin is that they chose to use a Chris Brown song in their wedding ceremony. I think Chris Brown best summed up what it means to be in love when he said, “Bitch, I love beatin’ yo ass! Now git da fuck outta my car, bitch! Yeah, I know it’s still moving you stupid fucking ho, now jump out dat window before I punch some mo love into yo teeth!”
Can everyone PLEASE stop trying to make their weddings into an internet sensation? Here’s a wacky idea, concentrate on what it means to be getting married and stop trying to be the next big thing on youtube. Is there anyone left on the planet who does not want to be famous or a public spectacle?
I hope Jill and Kevin (the whore’s husband) are eaten by a shark on their honeymoon. I hope their plane crashes into the mouth of a shark. I hope their plane crashes into the mouth of a shark and on the way down Jill cheats on Kevin with the guy sitting next to them. I hope that she gets pregnant during this quick fling and gets an abortion right there on the plane in front of Kevin and her new lover. I hope the guy who impregnates Jill on Kevin’s lap has swine flu. I hope the shark that eats Jill, Kevin, Jill’s aborted fetus, Jill’s lover, and the plane has AIDS.
Can you believe there are still Americans who reject science? I can. Just look at the popularity of that fucking dolt, Sarah Palin! I’m trying to think of something funny to say about these ridiculous, religious morons, but nothing I write could ever be as funny as just letting them speak for themselves. Up is down, black is white and peanut butter is a perfectly reasonable metaphor for the planet Earth? Fuck me.
To call these people retarded would be an incredible insult to retarded people. These assholes actively choose to be stupid. They choose to ignore the overwhelming facts that disprove their childish theories. To say they stick their heads in the sand is an insult to sand. I’m not sure exactly why, but it just is. Get your dumb head out of my sand!
In this clip, Kirk Cameron and some douchebag present “the atheist’s nightmare,” the banana!!! Kirk sits there with his trademark vacant shit-eating grin while Mustache jerks off a banana and spews his 1st grade deductions. By the way fuck face, here’s God’s banana, what you are holding is a domesticated banana created by man! Idiots.
Proof that either God does not exist or he’s a shitty product designer. Get your head out of your ass, God!
If you are a fan of intelligent design, take a good look at one of your “scholars.” Imbecile.
My head is literally spinning from all these dimwits. This is the only thing that can make me feel better. This and about 15 beers.
You know why I hate these people? Because I am jealous. I am jealous that I am not evil enough to scam people out of their money by pretending to understand every thought their dirty ferret has swimming around in its pea-sized brain. I’m jealous that I am too embarrassed to actually sit there with your cat and tell you with a straight face that “Mittens occasionally has suicidal fantasies.”
I’m pretty sure if you could hear a dog’s thoughts it would sound something like this, “hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, food, duh, hi, hi, hi…”
I have had the pleasure(?) of watching Sonya Fitzpatrick, the turd in the above photo, give several readings in person. It’s a long story, but I was at an event for celebrities and their dogs a few years ago in Hollywood. Sonya Fitzpatrick was there spewing shit at an alarming rate while these idiots ate it up like hyper Boston Terriers sucking poo straight from the ass of a Golden Retriever. One after one these actors would stare wide-eyed at Sonya while she explained that Dodger “just hasn’t felt the same since the ice cream incident.” I glared at Sonya every time she was near me hoping she could hear my thoughts.
In case you can’t see where Calvin has decided to aim his pee this time, it says “Bin Laden.” That little scamp just loves to piss on things!
I’m sure this turd likes to fancy himself as a classic American tough guy, but is wishing that a toddler would urinate on a the man who masterminded the biggest terrorist attack on American soil all that hardcore? Is that the best you’ve got?
OK Osama, this child has clearly emptied his bladder on you while maintaining his trademark devil-may-care attitude, what do you have to say for yourself? Do you promise to stop blowing things up? Don’t make me sic Dennis the Menace on your ass! I will NOT HESITATE to bounce a basketball off your forehead, just try me!
Not to mention, Bin Laden is soooooo 2001. He could barely even make it onto TMZ at this point. It’s a all about Heidi and Spencer now. HELLOOOOOOOOOO!
Has there ever been a bigger cock blocker than Chris Hansen? Sure, he always has a plate of cookies and cold tropical drinks at the ready, but other than that, this guy is a dick!
Actually, my real complaint with Chris Hansen is that pretentious, annoying way he talks. I actually start to root for the perverts at some point. Is there a chance he actually talks like this when the cameras are off? If so, is there a chance he has even one friend who isn’t deaf? Seriously, he’s creepier than almost every guy who walks in the door with a box of condoms and a 4-pack of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Hey perverts, here’s a little advice, if you go to meet a 14 year-old who you just chatted with online and the first thing he/she says when you walk in the door is “Hey, come on in and have a cookie and a margarita, I’ll be right back I just spilled something on my jacket,” just turn around and get the fuck out of there.
Remember, teen + cookies + frozen drinks = Chris Hansen!
Want to do something horrible? Search Google images for “golf outing” and prepare yourself for approximately 10,000,000 photos that look exactly like the one above.
If I ever see you wearing shorty golf socks, prepare to have those socks filled with my pee. Oh my God, I am officially the worst “writer” ever. That was possibly the dumbest thought ever expressed on the internet. Moving on… keep your short, doll-sized, pee-soaked socks away from me.
I actually like to play golf but the whole culture surrounding it sucks. The “sport” is filled with douchey white guys who live to tuck their shirts into various forms of pants (i.e. slacks, shorts, Dockers, jeans, etc.) and they still think it’s “money” to smoke cigars.
It’s not easy being better than everyone. Just kidding, it is.
Yeah, that’s right, one more night of painting the kitchen and not sharing my beautiful complaints with the world. I’ll be back tomorrow, promise.
I would like to point out that today I saw about 5 seconds of Guy Fieri’s piece of shit cooking show and in that small time he actually said “The name for this is too long, I’ll just call it MONEY.” I guarantee he jerks off to the movie “Swingers” at least once a week. God damn it, I hate that cockhole so much! (I can’t believe “cockhole” is not recognized by spell check)
So God bless America and God bless the children. Take it away Tyler Busby! (Make sure you also watch little Aaron Koehne make that Casio his bitch at the 6:30 mark)
