I could just as easily put "men who wear gold chains" on my list but when they are worn over a sweater or turtleneck it really pushes the douchebag envelope. When you wear a gold chain on the outside of your sweater it says to the world "I'm creepy, I sweat too much, I wear Axe, I prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar, I think Jim Belushi is hilarious, I still listen to cassette tapes and I lack the ability to understand why all this is wrong." It is also a scientific fact that if one wears a gold chain over one's sweater, the sweater in question will be ugly enough to induce vomiting and will be worn without a collared shirt underneath. I feel sick.

I tried to resist talking about these two but they are making it impossible! Chris Brown is obviously a huge, steaming pile of donkey turd. Who the fuck is he anyway? Is he a rapper? I can't tell anymore, everyone looks like a rapper. Do I even need to go into detail about Chris Brown's epic level of douchebaggery? Let's move on. What's even more insane is that Rihanna is prancing around with this asshole acting like nothing happened. They're living it up in Miami on jet skiis, partying with Puff Diddy and even working on a song together. Does she remember when he was beating the shit out of her and trying to THROW HER OUT OF A MOVING CAR? If I forget to take the recycling out I hear about it for a week.* I honestly don't know who I'm more disgusted with in this scenario. They are both such great role models. I'm burning my Chris Brown and Rihanna CDs! Do they still make CDs? *this is an exaggeration in an attempt to make this post more awesome and hilarious. I actually only hear about it for a couple hours.

I know you have all heard that annoying clicking noise your cell phone makes when it's near speakers and about to do something. Maybe a call is about to come in or you're getting a text but either way it makes your speakers go crazy. It's an annoying sound but the thing that really bugs me is that now I'm trained to reach for the phone when the clicking starts. It's like a pre-ringtone. Nothing is more pathetic than reaching for your clicking phone thinking you are getting a call only to be disappointed with no ring. Sometimes the jerk just clicks for no reason! This is the dumbest post ever. Any of you who were planning on telling me I suck don't need to, I have taken care of it for you. How the fuck am I supposed to make this subject interesting? Maybe I should have included some nudity. You know why I suck lately? It's because I have not had any beer in the house for weeks. I'm always better after a beer or 5. Whatever, start your own blog! Here's how to fix a noisy cell phone by the way...

If you have ever traveled by car through the Midwest, or "the belly of the beast" as I call it, you will know exactly what I am talking about. By the way, I have literally never called the Midwest "the belly of the beast" and I have no idea why I wrote that. Anyway, as you drive through the flat middle of America there are a few things you are guaranteed to see... billboards for Jesus, adult bookstores, fireworks stores all claiming to be the world's largest and/or craziest, J.B. Hunt trucks and inexplicable clusters of generic housing developments in the middle of corn fields. Let me be clear, I am not criticizing the people who live in these homes. If this is their American dream then great, I am almost happy for them. I'm just saying that when I see these cookie-cutter, soulless houses huddling together like frightened bunnies with nothing more than a single tiny tree to shelter them from the whipping winds a wave of depression washes over me. I'm not kidding, these communities are my idea of hell on earth. HELL ON EARTH! If you are wondering why this isn't very funny or interesting it's because I'm super tired from my drive home today and I just woke up from a nap. I hate naps. I always feel worse after a nap. You hear that naps, I think you just made my list too!

I'm bored, I have to pack for a trip and I don't really feel like writing. According to some people I should probably just give up. I think they might be right. Blogging is almost as dumb as twitter-ing or whatever it's called. This idiot called me an idiot. I'm going on a road trip!

I'm awesome!

Oh my God, look at how beautiful that peacock is with his majestic feathers extended like some magical fairytale bird. WRONG! You have never been more wrong you stupid idiot! That peacock is trying to hypnotize that peahen and fuck her terrified ass. Oh yeah, and he wants to do it while your family watches! No wonder "cock" is in his name! If you have only experienced peacocks in photographs then you probably think I'm crazy. However, if you have witnessed this horror show in person then you will know what I'm talking about. The male will raise his feathers in an attempt to look awesome. Fine, I can deal with that. It's not unlike when I walk around Six Flags shirtless. Next it surrounds the peahen and shakes its ass a few times. OK, sounds like me at the beach. But then it all goes terribly wrong. This creepy jerk violently vibrates his feathers, creating the most horrific sound you will ever hear. It's subtle but disgusting! I am not lying when I tell you it makes my skin crawl. When I witnessed it up close and personal in Hawaii I thought I was going to cry or barf or maybe cry barf out of my eyes. Ladies, does this turn you on?

I was all set to write about something completely different today until a Mighty Mighty Bosstones song started playing at the gym. As soon as the disgusting, throaty, barf bag* vocals of Dicky Barrett entered my ears I instantly knew I would be changing today's post. THEN out of nowhere some guy walked by bathed in AXE body spray. As I lay there on the floor like a fish out of water desperately trying to breathe while the Bosstones mocked me from the speakers above I realized this was the single worst moment of my life. It was as if all of my fears had become real. I began to cry, the kind of crying normally reserved for children. The kind that turns your breathing in to a series of violent convulsions. The crying along with the AXE that still hung in a thick cloud around me caused me to pass out. "Is this what they mean by the AXE effect?" I thought as the world turned dark and blurry. I woke up in the hospital (which is where I'm writing this) with tubes and wires covering my body. The doctors told me my body had literally shut down from "an overwhelming amount of sucky shit." *I think I stole the "barf bag" description of Dicky Barrett's vocal style from a review I read years ago.

I saw A LOT of short, sassy mom hair last week on vacation starting with this gem of a hairdo at the airport. This woman wants the world to know that the kids are in college and she's ready to put on a comfortable pair of Crocs and get tipsy on 1 and a half margaritas. Oh what the hay, she might even order it with salt on the rim. I'm guessing someone is going to get his bald head rubbed too. The thing that makes sassy mom hair so special is the fact that, unlike the mullet, it's party up front and an even bigger party in the back. The whole fucking head is in party mode! Wait, do I like sassy hair or hate it? I can't tell anymore.