You just made my list!

Sorry, I’m sick but I should be back tomorrow. I spent the weekend in bed and missed Halloween. God hates me.

From the beginning, let me say I agree with trying to be environmentally responsible and I do things in my own life to reduce my “carbon footprint.” Now that I have that out of the way… stop trying to ruin EVERYTHING you stupid hippies!

Earlier in the week I heard some dingbats on NPR babbling on and on about how to be “green” on Halloween. Not awesome green like a zombie, but lame green like your costume is made out of recycled toilet paper and yard waste.

They had some fantastic tips, like using a beeswax candle in your pumpkin because it’s more sustainable than paraffin, or having a composting party where you compost half of your kid’s candy. You know, the candy they waited all fucking year to collect. Yeah, just go ahead and toss their yummy candy in a bin with kitchen scraps, leaves and worms. Why don’t these parents go ahead and force their kids to dress as Ira Glass or Terry Gross* while they are at it. Dicks.

Do these busy-body hippie turds have to strip the fun out of everything? I’m pretty much a left-wing liberal but when I hear shit like this on NPR it makes me want to have sex with a bald eagle while Ted Nugent pours beer all over me. This program made me want to dress up as a Transformer this Halloween. My costume will consist of real, running motorcycles attached to my arms, a gas-powered lawn mower on my head and my feet will be two actual Hummers that will drive me from house to house. Oh yes, you will hear me coming down your block.

*OK, Terry Gross could be a good costume because you could play with the “gross” angle and be a zombie NPR host. Wait, no, forget I said that. That is the dumbest idea ever and I hate myself for not deleting it right now.

I’m not sure how many other cities have these electronic bus ads so this post might be meaningless to most people. Here goes anyway…

I was parked at a red light tonight, minding my own business, trying to decide if I should pop in my Nickelback or my Creed CD into the stereo, when all of a sudden my car filled with blue light. I thought a UFO had landed next to me so I figured I might as well pull down my pants and bend over for the inevitable probing. So there I was on a busy Chicago street bent over with my pants around my ankles, waiting for a little gray man to stick his E.T. finger up my butt. Well, turns out I really had egg on my face when I realized it was just an obnoxiously bright LED ad on the side of a CTA bus that pulled up next to me. I really felt like a first class stinker head!

These ads are fucking dangerous! I was literally blinded by a tampon ad when I casually looked out my car window. Do you know how pissed I would be if the last thing I saw on this earth was a 4 foot glowing tampon?

Oh, in case you were wondering, I decided to put both the Nickelback CD AND the Creed CD in at the same time. I had to eject them after only a few seconds though because blood and feces began to shoot out of the speakers.

Did you know people still wear these? I thought they had all been retired to thrift stores, only to be resurrected for the occasional “bad sweater party,” but the other day while filling my car with gas I saw one of these walking by on an actual human. I poured 3 gallons of gas all over my shoes before I snapped back to reality. Did I really just see that? It’s burned into my memory like that famous photo of Big Foot casually walking through the woods, only this Sasquatch looked like he had been barfed on by a unicorn.

Speaking of barfing up a Cosby Sweater, check out #1.

Anyhoo… How is it possible that a living, breathing human with eyes could see one of these monstrosities and think, “Oh yeah. I need a sweater that looks like it’s made form the tears of 1000 clowns.” The bigger mystery is who invented this style of sweater? Wait, and even bigger question is why are they still being produced?

I bet if you put that douchebag Guy Fieri in a giant blender the end result would look remarkably like a Cosby Sweater.

I’m going to throw up.

God really fucked up when he created the centipede. I mean what the hell was he thinking? If his intention was to create an insect so creepy that it could cause me to piss my pants every time I see one, then bravo God, you win! There is only one thing worse than a living centipede, and that’s a freshly killed centipede. It’s not enough that they look like an 8th grade mustache scooting across your wall when they are alive, but they somehow manage to look even more disgusting when dead with their twitching, hairy legs.

Way to go God, you dick.

Come on, joke’s over everyone.

How is it possible that I still see people walking around with pantyhose on their heads? Is this fashion nightmare here to stay? Is it as ingrained into popular culture as the baseball hat or Tasmanian Devil tattoos? Why am I the last awesome person left on this godforsaken planet?!?

I especially like white guys who wear do-rags. Nothing says “I got fired from Outback Steakhouse for masturbating on my lunch break in the janitor’s closet” like a white guy in a do-rag. And don’t think you Larry The Cable Guy lovin’, Keysotne Light drinkin’, Nickelback listenin’, Harley ridin’ sum bitches are gonna sneak by unnoticed. The white trash do-rags come pre-tied! How hard is it tie a panty on your head? At least ghetto dudes take the time to tie their own do-rags, but you American Chopper fans are apparently too busy searching for that Slim Jim that rolled under the couch to be bothered.

In summation, you look like an asshole with that thing on your head. Unless you are a pirate or you have cancer. Cancer patients are allowed to rag it up.

Barf.

I hate anything that has to do with shins, eyeballs or gums. Gums are profoundly disgusting to me. I take good care of my teeth and brush several times a day but I would rather get a salsa colonic than floss. I recently started flossing every night, rather than once a week, and it’s ruining my life. Every time that tiny string shoots through my teeth and slams into that little gum flap I practically faint.

Can’t they invent a laser or something that will do my flossing for me in the blink of an eye while I flex my muscles in the mirror. Oh yeah, I should mention that I always floss in the nude. There I set you up for some jokes, let’s see what ya got!

If only there was a way to make my white trash house more white trashier. Hmmmmmm, maybe 30 branches covered in pink carpet will do the trick!

Listen up, I love cats, I really do. If you have never owned a cat you are probably thinking up different ways to call me gay right now. Well joke’s on you buddy because cats rule, end of story. I also understand the desire to give your cat a few cuddly areas in the house for napping and looking cute purposes. Yeah, that’s right, I find it endlessly adorable to watch cats sleep, fuck you. But I will never understand the desire to completely strip what little dignity your shitty living room has left by shoving some giant cat jungle gym up its ass. Sure, Snickers and Doodles might like to climb it and and snooze, but they would be equally happy on your Harley-Davidson pillows or your Dora the Explorer fleece blanket that you keep on your matching La-Z-Boys.