You just made my list!

You may have noticed that the site was down for most of the day yesterday. Sorry about that, the server was not happy about something. Unfortunately I was unable to log on and write something for today. Again, sorry. I’M SORRY!

Here, you want something? I hate that my arm is killing me from playing 3 games of Wii tennis last night. It makes me want to end it all. It just seems wrong.

There, now shut up.

I already know nobody is going to care about this subject and I’m going to get comments like “you are really starting to suck Listy, I hope you die,” so please kiss my freshly groomed personal area!

Here’s the deal, it’s my fucking blog website and I HATE seeing signs with lights burned-out so I’m going to write about it!

These jerks are like little kids begging for a dog, “I will walk him and feed him and pet him and brush him every day. Please can we have a puppy? PLEASE?” Sure, their sign looks kickass the first month when all the bulbs are happily flashing away. Then one bulb burns out and the owner says to himself “I will change that bulb next week.” That week turns into 15 years and the next thing you know I’m staring at 247 burned-out bulbs and 3 working lights desperately trying to pick up the slack.

If you want to have an awesome sign with tons of lights then it is your duty to keep ME happy with constant sign maintenance. Why do you want to upset me? Take care of that precious little puppy for the love of God!

Sheesh. Do I even need to explain why these people should be punished? I can understand if you have to keep your cell phone in a belt holster because the nature of your job makes it a necessity but… wait, no I can’t understand it ever. You should quit your job, nothing is worth this.

While you are at it, please shave that neatly-trimmed “Blue Collar Comedy” goatee too. How do I know you have this goatee? Because you wear your cell phone on your belt.

I thought it could not get any worse than a belt holster but I happened upon this and it shook me to my very core. Get a purse already!

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day please reminisce about how much I hate Irish Dancing!

I could just as easily put “men who wear gold chains” on my list but when they are worn over a sweater or turtleneck it really pushes the douchebag envelope.

When you wear a gold chain on the outside of your sweater it says to the world “I’m creepy, I sweat too much, I wear Axe, I prefer Van Halen with Sammy Hagar, I think Jim Belushi is hilarious, I still listen to cassette tapes and I lack the ability to understand why all this is wrong.”

It is also a scientific fact that if one wears a gold chain over one’s sweater, the sweater in question will be ugly enough to induce vomiting and will be worn without a collared shirt underneath.

I feel sick.

If you are a mom or dad with a baby please don’t waste your time telling me that you put sunglasses on your child to protect their little eyes. I realize this and don’t disagree but I don’t have to be logical, I just have to hate something to put it on my fucking awesome list!

I HATE the way babies look in sunglasses. It creeps me the hell out! I’m not trying to be funny, I can’t look at a child when they are wearing sunglasses. A pair of sunglasses on a baby instantly transforms them from cute and innocent to a fat party guy from some late 80’s R-rated teen movie. You know the character, he’s usually named “Moose” or “Pudding” and is always wearing a Hawaiian shirt and not getting laid. The movie ends with “Moose” falling into a pool fully-clothed. He pops his head out of the water while still eating a slice of pizza and the rest of the teens all say in unison “oh Mooooooose.” Roll credits.

In summation, don’t put sunglasses on babies.

There is nothing more tragic than white people who think they are somehow tapping into some great mystic force because they purchased a plastic dreamcatcher when they stopped at the Kum & Go for some lottery tickets and a Slim Jim. I hate to tell you this Linda, but the fact that you think you are 1/32 Cherokee and you collect wolf figurines makes you about as spiritual as a stripper. How’s that dreamcatcher working out for you by the way? If your dream was to dress exclusively in sweatpants and oversized Looney Tunes T-shirts then I guess it’s working. Did you pray to the wolf spirit for an alcoholic husband who loves Nickelback and works at Pizza Hut? Is the wind God helping you lose that last 165 lbs. you just can’t seem to lose on your own? Stop embarrassing yourself Linda!

I know you have all heard that annoying clicking noise your cell phone makes when it’s near speakers and about to do something. Maybe a call is about to come in or you’re getting a text but either way it makes your speakers go crazy. It’s an annoying sound but the thing that really bugs me is that now I’m trained to reach for the phone when the clicking starts. It’s like a pre-ringtone. Nothing is more pathetic than reaching for your clicking phone thinking you are getting a call only to be disappointed with no ring. Sometimes the jerk just clicks for no reason!

This is the dumbest post ever. Any of you who were planning on telling me I suck don’t need to, I have taken care of it for you. How the fuck am I supposed to make this subject interesting? Maybe I should have included some nudity. You know why I suck lately? It’s because I have not had any beer in the house for weeks. I’m always better after a beer or 5.

Whatever, start your own blog!

Here’s how to fix a noisy cell phone by the way…