You just made my list!

Unfortunately my friend sent me a link to these “Talking Head Tables” yesterday and now I’m pretty sure our friendship is over. I don’t want to live in a world where this exists. I’m not kidding, one of us has to go. It’s me or the guy who makes his living dressed as a pile of shit.

I quit.

Originally I was just going to write about one thing I hate about ABC’s hit show “Lost” but I fell into a minor rage spiral and now I have to mention a few things that make me crazy about this show. Here are the top 5 things that piss me off about Lost…

1) Ben Linus and his inability to blink.
You may recognize actor Michael Emerson who plays Benjamin Linus from nothing. You might also recognize that he suffers from “Hannibal Lecter Syndrome” which prevents an actor from blinking while in the process of over-acting. HLS usually strikes actors playing bad guys but it can affect anyone. Andrew McCarthy suffered from HLS during most of the 80’s, ultimately ending his career.

2) All the men on the island and their inability to grow beards.
No matter how long these hunky hunks are stuck on this stupid magical island they lack the ability to grow more than 3 days’ worth of stubble. I don’t care if it’s only a TV show, I want BEARDS!

3) Jack’s inability to not breathe heavily.
For those of you smart enough to avoid this show, Jack Shephard is our hero and he’s played by non-beard-growing Matthew Fox. Whether he’s climbing a steep hill or picking up a coconut Jack is out of breath. You see, by sucking wind like a marathon runner an actor is able to communicate just how good he is at acting. The more intense the breathing, the better the acting. It’s simple science.

4) Everyone’s inability to not be able to not make a torch.
How are these jerks making torches? What is their source of fuel? Fuck you and your perfect torches!

5) Me and my inability to stop watching.
Why do I watch every week? Why do I allow these writers to force me to watch season after no-beard season when I am certain they have no idea how to answer all the questions raised by their own story? I hate myself.

For those of you who are smart enough to live in a place without winter, look at the fun you are missing! I took this photo out of my front windshield yesterday. Looks a little bit like trying to drive on the surface of the sun doesn’t it?

You see, when it’s really cold the sky often becomes very clear making the sun brighter than you might be used to. Add in white snow everywhere, white salt stains and wet icy roads and guess what pal, you’re fucking blind! The icing on the shitty cake is that your windshield is perpetually dusted with salt and dried slush so when the sun hits it it’s like trying to see through a white bed sheet.

GOD I LOVE WINTER! I hope it never ends!

First of all, I am a big fan of mixed martial arts (MMA) and the UFC so this is not some veiled complaint about fighting. This is merely my plea to all clothing designers to PLEASE stop putting skulls, wings and crap all over every square inch of every shirt!

As a fan of MMA I have been to a few UFC fights and many bars for pay-per-view events and let me tell you, every guy in the joint is covered in wings and skulls. Skulls and scrolls. Scrolls and Wings. If you were the date of one of these metrosexual tough guys and went to the bathroom I would imagine you might have a hard time picking out your orange boyfriend in the crowd upon returning. It’s like a douchebag version of Where’s Waldo. “Where’s Dildo!” I just thought of that. I am awesome!

I might not care if this style of clothing was confined to the cage, but skulls and wings are taking over the world! The other day I was trying to find a few simple, casual button down shirts and EVERY single shirt I picked up looked like it had accidentally been sucked through a printing press. I ended up buying a rug for the kitchen instead. A RUG! How the fuck am I going to wear a rug?

I am right about EVERYTHING!

Here’s my challenge, my Pepsi challenge if you will… give me way less money, say $500,000, and I will design a new logo for Pepsi that kicks the sissy ass of this piece of shit. In fact, Pepsi could simply pay me $250,000 and I will save them about 40 million in rebranding by telling them to stick with their old/better logo. After I cash the check for $250K I would tell them their cola tastes like ass! Ass and sugar. It will be such an awesome burn because what are they gonna do, I already cashed the check (and waited for it to clear).

I will never understand why a company feels the urge to constantly spend millions and millions to simply tweak their logo in a misguided attempt to make it “hip” and “edgy.” It is extremely rare that this rebranding will end up superior to the existing identity. The only successful rebranding that comes to mind is FedEx.

These Pepsi jerks should learn a lesson from Coca-cola and 1) stay consistent and burn that logo into our minds for 100 years so we see it in our sleep and 2) make their drink taste more awesome and less like liquid balls. I realize this implies I know what balls taste like, well I do, they taste like Pepsi.

Can’t I just buy these Funyuns in peace? I’m already freaked out by being left alone in line, do I really need to have Rachel Ray scream a panini recipe in my face while I wait to check out? Can’t I just fill up my tank without having clips of “Two and a Half Men” forced upon me? Can’t I ride in uncomfortable silence in this elevator rather than listen to the latest gossip about Sarah Jessica Parker’s troubled marriage?

Now, if they were to play People’s Court on these ever-present TVs I would be overjoyed! Yes, put a TV playing People’s Court on every surface I see. I want to see Judge Marilyn Milian’s face smiling back at me when I’m peeing in a public restroom. I want to see the tough but lovable bailiff Douglas McIntosh on my ceiling when I hop into bed at the end of a long day. When my eyes are closed I want to hear the deep, sexy voice of Curt Chaplin delivering difficult but fair questions in the halls of People’s Court. Oh, and how could I leave out that beautiful son of a bitch Harvey Levin? I want that motherfucker permanently implanted onto the back of my eyelids. I want People’s Court on one eyelid and TMZ on the other!

Wait, what was I talking about?

Have you ever seen someone and in less than a second you just know they are a tool? It’s a subtle observation because they basically look normal but maybe it’s something about their hair or their choice of tie that clues you into the fact that they suck. You just don’t like the cut of their jib!

Well this happened to me while waiting in line today at Jimmy John’s. From the beginning it was destined to be an annoying event. I walked in and stood behind a guy who was obviously in line. I mean, when you stand in front of the register at the “order here” sign it means you are in line, right? Turns out not always. After I realized this guy wasn’t doing shit I asked if he was, in fact, in line. He turned and looked at me as if I had just asked if I could fuck his wife and said “noooo” like I was an idiot for asking. Strike one. Then his douchey friend emerged from the back (probably pooping and not washing his hands) and I just knew instantly that this guy was trouble. Both of these guys looked “normal” in their Dockers and sensible hair cuts but I knew some shit was about to go down. Literally.

Like most Jimmy John’s this space was small and echoey so nobody had to strain to hear these guys discussing raw sewage and poop. It wasn’t so much that this discussion of human waste grossed me out (it obviously did a little), it was really more that I don’t understand jerks like this who have zero awareness of the world that exists 3 inches past their fat faces. How do you not know to move out of the way after you order? How do you not notice the humans standing behind you who obviously think you are in line? How do you not know that the lunch crowd does not want to hear about how your family’s smelly shit is backing up into the yard?

How did I get to be the smartest person on earth?

I am fighting back the barf in my throat after searching for these photos. This is going to be a short post because 1) what can really be said about these douchebag turds that you can’t figure out just by looking at their lame asses and 2) the barf.

(old man rant warning)
These kids today think they invented all this shit but we were the first ones to walk around looking like complete assholes in the 80’s. Let it die! It was a playful mistake in 1984 but now it can only be described as lame.

I’m going to go listen to the Cure and punch myself in the face.