You just made my list!

I can’t even explain why Michael Phelps bugs me so much but he really does. Even before he became the “cool” Michael Phelps with the Asian stripper girlfriend he bugged the shit out of me. He’s douchey, am I wrong? Somehow he even managed to make kicking serious ass in the Olympics super boring. And if I have to see one more photo with his pants so low I can see pubes I’m going to go on a killing spree.

I’m back from my little Thanksgiving break and ready to complain!

I hate the International Space Station. I don’t understand why we need it and I don’t want my tax dollars paying for it. Do my tax dollars pay for it? I don’t know, probably. If not, I still hate it and want the sun to melt it.

I love all space exploration and soak up anything that has to do with the space race in the 60’s. I understand why we wanted to go to the moon and I appreciate all of the technological advancements that came from conquering space and landing on the moon. I wish more than anything that I could have witnessed the first moon landing. As much as I love science and space exploration I think it might be time to go ahead and hit the pause button for a while. What is the point of pumping billions of dollars into the International Space Station when we have more than a few crises to deal with here on planet Earth?

Perhaps I am missing something and this rinky dink floating double-wide trailer is going to solve global warming or stop space aliens from probing our butts but is it? I have never heard anything that would indicate that. It seems to me that this space station is like a tree house for various space programs around the world. It’s fun to build and have sleepovers in but other than that it serves no real purpose.

It certainly doesn’t help me fall in love with the project when A) they start letting crap float away and B) when that crap costs $100,000. I will never be convinced the tools in that bag were worth $100,000. Here’s an idea, give ME $100,000 and I will go to Home Depot and put together a super kick ass set of tools for NASA and for my trouble I will keep the change.

Enough is enough! I am seriously so fucking sick of people wearing their stupid hats crooked on their empty heads. What message are they trying to send? “Hey man, I don’t play by the rules.” Fuuuuuck yooooou! They are all a bunch of douchebag lemmings who couldn’t produce an original thought if they tried. In general I’m sick and tired of everyone walking around like they are straight outta Compton. I’m at the end of my rope with all this ghetto culture bullshit. Every decade has their lame ass fashion fad. In the 90’s it was flannels tied around the waist and now it’s these god damn crooked fucking hats.

How did I get to be the coolest person in the world?!?

There’s a difference between seeing Jesus in a potato chip and believing it really is Jesus in your potato chip. I had a marble when I was a kid that had a blob in the exact shape of the Virgin Mary but even as a kid I realized it was a random, meaningless blob. Although, wouldn’t it be amazing if it really was a sign from God and I totally ignored it? Shit, where is that marble?!?

There’s a phenomenon called pareidolia in which a person tries to find recognizable or significant subject matter in random objects. Like when a tree looks like an old man or a cloud looks like a kitten. It’s just human nature to attempt to find familiar objects, especially faces, in random shapes. But believing that face in your Hot Pocket was sent to you by our lord and savior is an entirely different kind of crazy. Why the hell would Jesus choose to make his big comeback in the form of a nacho chip rather than exploding through the clouds on a flaming unicorn?

Here in Chicago we have a famous water stain under an expressway that for several years still attracts hundreds (thousands?) of people who bring flowers, light candles and stare at a crack in the wall. I honestly think it’s incredibly sad to see people praying to a water stain but I’m guessing they find it sad that I don’t.

This is a case where I almost feel a little guilty and start to wonder why so many things bug me. But who cares, I just hate people who took the time to learn how to unicycle. It’s such a “look at me, pay attention to me” kind of thing to do (unlike blogging). It’s bad enough when someone rides a normal unicycle but then there are those turds who ride the super tall unicycles. They are the worst people in the world. The only thing that could make the unicycle scene worse would be if they held their own critical mass and rode around in traffic juggling and looking smug.

Dude, did you get the new Scent Stories disc, “Farmer’s Market?” Yeah, it came out today. It fucking rocks!

Oh brother. Really? Please tell me there isn’t a single person in the world who has fallen for this weirdness.

In case you have a job and don’t watch soap operas, I will explain this madness. First, you buy a giant Febreze “disc player” and place it on the shelf next to your figurines and collection of novelty glasses. Then you choose from an exciting selection of discs with names like “Boardwalk” and “World Treasure” which you put in your pretend air freshener computer. Now you simply sit back and soak in the artificial stink of the boardwalk while your new disc takes you on the world’s saddest journey. Maybe, just maybe, if you close your eyes you can actually smell sweaty chest hair and the urine of 100 homeless guys.

When I see shit like this I feel like I might be stuck in the matrix or possibly from another planet.

PLEASE watch this clip of Shania Twain contemplating suicide while she pretends to give a shit about Scent Stories! I have never seen a more defeated person. She also likes that “it’s EASY” unlike those impossibly complicated candles!

(you have to sit through 45 seconds of nothing to get to the good stuff)

I love People’s Court. I wish there was a People’s Court channel so I could watch it all day long. I’m not kidding, I love this show.

Do you really think that crappy “surround sound” system you just bought from the back of a van for $200 is really a $3,600 system? Do you really think it’s even going to work? Shouldn’t you cut your loses and spare yourself the humiliation of admitting to all of this on national television?

I love dumb people. I Love People’s Court.

I am going to force myself to keep this brief because when I start talking about the subject of gay marriage my fucking blood beings to boil. I can LITERALLY feel my chest tighten right now as I type this. So this will be short or I will die.

If you don’t know, a vote YES on prop 8 means you are voting for a ban on gay marriage. This ridiculous legislation just passed in California with 52.5% in favor of the ban and 47.5% in favor of gay marriage. While the rest of the country took a gigantic step forward with Tuesday’s election these fucking assholes took California back to the stone age. It sickens me.

I will NEVER understand why a person would give two shits about who marries who. It can not possibly affect anyone if two men or women who are in love get married. Simple as that. Oh, but you know right wingers operate solely on fear. Fear of gays, fear of a black president, fear of science, fear of immigrants, and most of all fear of their own sexual desires. I am not saying everyone who is against gay marriage is a closeted homosexual but those right wing, conservative, religious nuts have the most fucked up sexual fantasies on the planet.

The Mormon church spent MILLIONS working towards this ban. Can you imagine that? Think of all the people in need who they could have helped with that money but they decided it was more important that two people in a loving, committed relationship are not given the same basic freedom all Americans deserve. I’m sorry, but why is it OK for Moroms to marry like 10 women at a time?

This is not what America is all about. After Obama’s historic win Tuesday it is kind of easy to relax and think we fixed America. Now that the dust has cleared it’s time for all freedom loving people to do what they can to support your fellow Americans whether or not you agree with their lifestyle. We do not get to pick and choose who is free in this country, we all are.