Maybe, MAYBE, if you are a girl under the age of 23 it’s forgivable for you to drink from one of these colorful dildos but come on guys, how could walking around like a toddler drinking out of a supersoaker possibly attract the opposite sex?
Call me crazy but I like to drink my beer out of a bottle not through a straw from a football. Gentlemen, please take a moment to think about some famous manly men. Now, try to imagine these men – Frank Sinatra, Johnny Cash, John Wayne, Sean Connery, the Marlboro Man – enjoying a fluorescent drink from a plastic Seattle Space Needle. Sinatra famously wouldn’t even sit down while wearing a tuxedo in an effort to keep his pants looking good and all I’m asking from you is to put your little toy down and drink like an adult. And while you’re at it, stop sweating so much. Why are you always sweating?
Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”
Here’s the deal, if you want to make fun of Clay Aiken because he looks like a thumb in a wig then I am right there with you. If you want to say his fans, the “Claymaniacs,” and the 15 cats they each own are possibly the saddest bunch of losers on the planet then yes, let’s take our shirts off and pour beer all over each other! OK, that sounded a little gay. BUT who gives a shit about his sexuality? If it makes you feel better that you cracked the case and “just knew” Clay Aiken was gay ever since the first time you saw him on American Idol then you may be more pathetic than the Claymaniacs. Guess what, everyone knew he was gay.* *not the Claymaniacs
I never really thought twice about this turd until I saw him interviewed on Good Morning America by Diane Sawyer. This woman acted like getting Clay Aiken to admit to being gay was going to prevent a terrorist attack. She was practically waterboarding the kid. Sawyer simply refused to drop it and finally a visibly frustrated Aiken said something like, “why do you care so much, it really is nobody’s business.” I was sitting there thinking to myself “FUCK, now I have to like Clay Aiken.” DAMN IT! He was absolutely right though, what business is it of hers or anyone else? He probably should have also asked her, “Why the hell are you even interviewing me, you know I’m Clay Aiken right?”
I fully support those who decide to come out of the closet but I also don’t think it’s anyone’s business if a person chooses not to. Who cares? There are more important things to care about like what possesses a women to get a fucking Rachael Ray Tattoo?
I’M RACHAEL RAY AND I LIKE TO YELL! OH BOY LOOK AT THIS SANDWICH, IT LOOKS YUMMERS! JUST NEEDS A LITTLE EVOO! YUM-O!”
Please rip my ears off and put expanding insulating foam in my bleeding ear holes! Why is it that the more annoying a person is the more likely they will be hugely popular? Especially when it comes to the Food Network. It’s a parade of loud mouth jerks on that channel.
Rachel Ray is so painfully boring I can barely find the strength to write about how much better I am than her. Are white, suburban women really so bored with life that all it takes is a slightly less-bland version of themselves to make them lose their minds with excitement? I think I’m a little jealous of these people. I walk around all day wanting to fling poop in everyone’s face but these women drop their panties with excitement anytime Rachael Ray says “EVOO.” I want their blind happiness. I want to find “EVOO” charming rather than something that causes me to black out from rage. Save me Rachael Ray!
I will now show you something that should shake you to your very soul. It should make you question everything. You might want to drink 7 beers before looking at this photo.
Have you ever been forced into one of these ridiculous wastes of time? If you are currently reading this from the safety of your grey cubicle then I will assume the answer is yes. I will also assume a chill just shot up your spine and a tear fell to your Dockers.
For those of you who are lucky enough to NOT know what a “team building” seminar is all about, let me sum it up like this… your entire office is herded onto a party bus and driven to a remote location where you will be forced to act like a toddler in a misguided attempt to make you give a shit about your job and coworkers. Oh, it’s a real fun time alright, you get to wear your “weekend” clothes, bang on drums and various other children’s instruments, share feelings and play wacky games that involve being tied with ropes to the accounting department. You laugh and bond over how funny your boss looks in a hula skirt and comment endlessly about how hilarious it was when Larry from sales sang “Margaritaville” at karaoke! If you are a man you might as well cut off your penis because it will never look you in the eye again after one of this weekends.
Oh it’s a big love fest that really strengthens the team until Monday when the mere sight of Larry and his stupid face brings back those fantasies of going on a killing spree through the sales department. You imagine Larry begging for his life in a pool of his own blood, looking at you with puppy dog eyes pleading, “What about Margaritaville? Come on Bob, we won the potato sack race together! Wastin away again in Margaritaville? Margaritaville!”
Remember when companies functioned without team building? Remember when people at your insurance agency had to wear suits and could not bring their dogs to work? Remember when you called a company and didn’t have to talk to a robot until you finally break down in tears screaming, “CUSTOMER SERVICE! CUSTOMER SERVICE! OPERATOR!” I want those days back again. No amount of egg toss will change my mind.
I am not kidding when I say who the fuck are the Kardashians and why are they on my TV? Seriously, who are these whores?
I originally knew the name Kardashian because their father, Robert, was buddies with OJ Simpson during the killing spree years and went on to be one of the 5,000 lawyers who represented him during the trial. I know that the mom, Kris, is now married to Bruce “old lady face” Jenner. I know that I watched Kim Kardashian fuck a rapper online. To tell you the truth, that’s more than I need to know about this nightmare of a family.
Do we really need a reality show about every dipshit family in America? What does it say about the current state of our society that these are the kind of people we worship? Fuck me, we are dumb!
If you watch this show for any reason other than the cleavage and the giant asses please put your head in the toilet, flush it 5 times and think about what you have done. In fact, go ahead and poop in that toilet first.
I made the decision to go out, get drunk and play pool tonight and therefore will be putting the least amount of effort possible into today’s post.
John McCain really knows how to shrivel my penis with his constant lying. I don’t know about you, but I have had enough of that bullshit over the last 8 years. AND, this just in… Sarah Palin is still barely qualified to manage a Wal-Mart. BREAKING NEWS… If Sarah Palin doesn’t stop fucking lying about the “bridge to nowhere” I am going to shit YOUR pants, which is not easy to do. She’s a fucking incompetent liar just like her new best friend John McCain. Also this just in… I am awesome.
Let me quickly explain what “Baby’s First Headgear” is before you think I’m ragging on kids who actually NEED helmets for various legitimate reasons. This ridiculous piece of shit is for normal, healthy babies who are simply learning to walk. HUH?
My friend who brought this crime against baby humanity to my attention told me she has even seen kids wearing fucking knee pads while learning to walk. WHAT? Have we all gone insane? No wonder there are people in this country who think Sarah Palin is “spunky and fun.”
Listen, I understand that babies can get hurt, even seriously, from a fall but come on, helmets for healthy babies? Kids get hurt. Kids eat dirt. Kids touch things that are hot. Guess what, all that stuff is good for them. You know how I learned to NOT touch the stove? By touching the stove, once.
When I grew up in the 70s daily life was like running through a maze of knives and fire. My grade school’s playground equipment was tall, metal and sat on top of nice hard cement. Like most kids in my school I broke a bone when I tumbled to the concrete at recess. I spent most of my childhood falling from trees, crashing my bike, getting fishing hooks stuck in my face and most summer days I could be found with at least one of my body parts on fire. AHHHH, the good old days. I’m not kidding, it was fucking awesome. I also learned how to deal with stuff because my parents never made a big deal out of anything.
I’m sorry but helmets for healthy babies are ri-fucking-diculous. Life is dangerous and to be alive means to occasionally get hurt, babies included.
I need to punch something. Not a baby.
*Update: This ought to make all you helmet parents pass out…
Let me get this out of the way first… There have been a few, a precious few, Digital Shorts on Saturday Night Live that I liked. However, the running theme in most of the Digital Shorts I actually enjoy is a lack of Andy Samberg’s face. Sure, “Dick in a Box” and “Lazy Sunday” were OK the first 100 times I saw them online but it’s no monkey drinking his own pee. Now THAT’S a classic!
Did you happen to see Andy’s latest masterpiece, aired on 9/13/08, “Space Olympics?” It’s textbook Samberg. The short features all of his favorite comedy tools; generically 80’s song, purposely mundane lyrics, purposely cheesy graphics, severe camera mugging and the sweet sweet odor of desperation. This constant desire to create the next “Lazy Sunday” viral video hit has to be the only reason Lorne Michaels keeps this fuzzy turd on the show.
Other than his weekly Digital Shits (zing), Andy Samberg can be seen in the background of most skits delivering hilarious lines like “Hi, how can I help you” or “Hi, can I get you something to drink” and “Hi, you have a lovely house.” Seems to me his only role on SNL is to facilitate the other performers who actually have something to do in the scene. Try this drinking game, every time Andy Samberg delivers a funny line in a skit take a drink. Sadly this will not get you drunk.
P.S. Did anyone else notice ultra-douche Guy Fieri was in the front row of last night’s show? I did, so I pressed my ass against the TV screen. I showed you Guy!
Watch this and try to convince me that it’s funny.
Let me first say that I am not gay. I know that is a big surprise to many of you. I am not declaring this because I am afraid of being called gay, I only mention it because I don’t want some jackass saying “you’re only sticking up for the guy because you’re totally gay too.”
Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?
