I literally don’t know what to say about these people. I have been trying to write a post about them for weeks but give up each time because I am paralyzed by these photos. I am not kidding, my brain shuts off as utter confusion engulfs my soul. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I actually start to feel physically ill. I swear to God I am not lying, I can only look at these shit faces for a few seconds before I have to choke down that barfy feeling. If you are a woman drunk enough to go home with one of these douchebags do you wake up the next morning looking like you just dug out of prison?
WHAT IS HAPPENING, I RELATE TO NOTHING! There is no God.
I haven’t even finished typing this sentence and already my blood is boiling from having to look at this ass clown’s shitty building. I mean look at this crooked hunk of crap he designed for The Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Is he blind but nobody wants to hurt his feelings? Maybe he’s like that kid from The Twilight Zone who can turn you into a donkey or a house plant with his mind if you make him mad or disagree with him. Or maybe he’s like a drunk frat boy who wakes up after a weekend of beer-bonging and realizes “Shit dude, I totally have a building design due today!”
The best part about this building? M.I.T. had to sue Frank Gehry because this tangled mess leaks and generally sucks ass. It literally says “sucks ass” in the lawsuit!
Don’t try and tell me he’s breaking new ground and pushing the envelope because you are wrong. Frank Gehry is concerned with one thing, Frank Gehry’s checkbook. He knows he can literally take a dump on a table and some stupid mayor who is afraid of looking uncool will agree to spend $500 million to build a turd-shaped building. Have you ever seen the back of the Jay Pritzker Pavilion and Bandshell in Chicago? If you think the front is ugly, which it is, take a look at the back sometime and you will see a perfect illustration of how fucking lazy this jerk is.
Fuck Frank Gehry! I’m right and I know everything.
Hey, who needs more attention than the jerks who ride around on tall bikes? Idiots who hang themselves from hooks!
Poor Brad and Kim didn’t get enough attention in high school. Oh, but do they have a way to get even with all of you, they are going to stick giant hooks through their white trash tattoos and hang around like giant ball sacks. I know “to each his own” but fuck off already with this nonsense.
“Brad, this is your father. Get down from those God damn hooks and mow the lawn or we aren’t going to the water park tomorrow!”
I keep hearing this week that John McCain has been getting better poll numbers and it is attributed to his attack ads. That’s great, way to go America! If laziness could be turned into oil we would be set for life.
“Barack Obama hates the troops, the TV box told me so. My research is done, let’s go to Wal-Mart!”
You know what, not a single political commercial should ever be watched, it is utterly pointless. What are you going to learn about a candidate in 30 or 60 seconds? You are going to learn that one guy has a dog and hangs out with hardworking Americans and the other guy looks evil in photos and uses the flag as toilet paper. Why are we so inclined to be stupid and lazy when it comes to important decisions? People put more mental energy into deciding where to eat lunch every day.
And what’s the fucking deal with John McCain and his fear mongering and spewing of misinformation. I guess I thought he was above that brand of gutter politics. I’m sorry but there is nothing LESS American than misleading the American people for political gain. Aren’t we all sick of being chin-deep in bullshit by now?
As Americans we all lose when we allow ourselves to be manipulated by political propaganda machines, right or left. We can’t afford to fuck this election up and if you are basing your decision for President on 30 second commercials I kindly ask you to punch yourself in your balls and/or vagina.
Where do I start with these turds? There is just nothing appealing about this family or the shitty bikes they “build.” Luckily for them being boring and talentless equals a TV career in this country!
Don’t embarrass yourself by saying “Fuck you, they make rolling works of art, you’re just jealous.” If this is the “thought” in your head right now please go back to listening to your cassette copy of your favorite Nickelback album.
Here’s a synopsis of every tedious episode…
Some company gets the highly original idea to hire these idiots to make a “theme bike.” Paul Teutul Jr. and Sr. tour the factory of said company. Their tiny minds begin to spin as they become inspired by whatever the fuck it is this company does. The wide-eyed CEO tells the Teutuls how excited he is blah blah blah. Paul Jr. goes back to the shop with a box full of crap from their new client and sits around with one of many mulletheaded OCC workers coming up with a design with all the seriousness of doctors discussing a cure for cancer. Of course what they are actually doing is figuring our how to simply weld a bunch of the company’s crap to a stock frame. If the company makes tools, Paul Jr. welds tools to the bike. If the company makes golf clubs Paul Jr. welds putters to the bike. A true artist indeed.
Throw in a few door-smashing tantrums from Paul Sr., some footage of younger brother Mikey getting his head stuck in a mailbox, a scene of Paul Jr. trying to figure out a way to hide some huge mistake, a couple fights between the Jr. and Sr. over the “visual flow” of the bike and top it all off with the last minute delivery of the finished piece of shit motorcycle that will spend its life in some stupid lobby and you have yourself a complete episode of American Chopper. Now hit yourself on the head with a hammer for liking this shit.
What’s that, you want more! How about the American Chopper video game! If you own this video game I am literally begging you to never breed.
You know what pisses me off more than their ugly bikes? It’s the fact that once again the world proves itself to be filled with uninspired lemmings who flock to whatever the flavor of the month is. We just can’t help but celebrate mediocrity can we? And it doesn’t get any more mediocre than American Chopper.
I was all set to write about a different crime against nature, American Chopper, but that will have to wait until tomorrow thanks to this guy’s beautiful tits! I was browsing YouTube for some shitty American Chopper footage (turns out only shitty clips exist of those idiots) when I happened upon a thumbnail of what looks like a woman ruining her nipples with a stupid piercing. I had to watch for two reasons 1) it’s a tit and 2) I was curious if they could actually show tits on YouTube. Was this some sort of loophole because it was instructional?
The clip starts with some jerk-ass pacing around and looking greasy. Who is this guy? Maybe he’s the boyfriend or pimp of the girl whose nipple is soon to be pierced. Wait, what? MY EYES! Why is HIS tit out? Why is he twisting and tweaking HIS OWN nipple? What the fuck is happening and where is the god damn girl?
I have to say though, from the right angle this dirt bag has a great rack!
While I’m on the subject, can everyone please stop piercing their nipples? Ladies, why would you want to ruin the best part of the breast? Guys, it’s just creepy and gross and creepy and disgusting and creepy and gross and wrong and creepy and douchey.
I needed to get that off my chest. Tomorrow I will discuss the Teutuls and their man tits.
I know, I’m an an asshole. Why should I care if people find happiness from stupid shit like scrapbooking? I don’t have an answer for you but I thank you for asking. I’m just that way, OK? I’m a dick and I fucking hate all things scrapbooking so deal with it!
Listen up scrapbookers, let’s leave creative endeavors to creative people. Put your hot glue gun and glitter away and go back to watching Wheel of Fortune or the Home Shopping Network. BUT, if you do watch the Home Shopping Network, don’t even think about ordering more scrapbooking crap.
I KNOW, I shouldn’t care that women gather for scrapbooking parties and share squiggly cut paper ribbons and little wooden pumpkins with each other while getting totally tipsy on white wine and mimosas. Should I care that at the average scrapbooking party the word “cute” is used approximately a billion times? Who gives a shit if they sit around and glue photos of their fat families dressed in matching golf shirts to paper covered in teddy bears?
Oh, but I do care. I care so much. OH MY GOD I CARE SO MUCH I CAN BARELY SLEEP AT NIGHT!
When I sit my ass on the couch after a hard day of “work” there is nothing I want to see more than other people working. I like to sit back with a beer and watch people hand out parking tickets or drive trucks on ice all fucking night long!
OK, I sort of like Discovery Channel’s “Deadliest Catch” and I understand why it’s a popular show. Who doesn’t love a boat full of chain-smoking, manly men doing the same thing every episode for 5 years? BUT, do we really need every profession on the planet documented?
Here’s a list of the shows I am aware of that follow Joe worker guy around as he gets his hands dirty; Deadliest Catch, Lobstermen, Ice Road Truckers, The Verminators, Ax Men, Wrecked and my favorite waste of video tape – Parking Wars.
I guess it’s kind of cool that there is a highway made out of ice but in the time it took me to type this sentence I have already lost interest. I mean, people walking around issuing PARKING TICKETS is (was) an actual show on real TV! People went to work on this show every day and some poor guy had to edit footage of meter maids walking around Philadelphia talking about PARKING!
OH MY GOD, I AM SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE!
Let’s not forget that a majority of these shows are broadcast on channels with grandiose names like “Arts and Entertainment” and “The Discovery Channel.”
We are dumb.
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