You just made my list!

I am not a fan of “political correctness” but come on, you would have to be a fucking IDIOT to pose for this photo without understanding why it’s offensive and racist. Don’t most people outgrow making “slanty eyes” around the 4th grade?

The part of this story that really confuses me is that this photo, and another identical photo of the women’s team, was used in an advertisement for one of the team’s sponsors. How dumb are the Spanish and how bad are their ads? I’m starting to think I could be the president of an advertising agency in Spain. I guess I always assumed they were cultured people who spent their days in white linen suits sipping sangria on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea.

Think of how many people must have been involved with this ad and not a single person said “Esto es estúpido. Esto es una idea muy mala.”

Too bad Spain is currently making a bid for the 2016 Olympics. How’s that working out for you Spain?

I was all set to share my wisdom on a completely different subject when I happened upon this “featured” headline on Yahoo. I’m pretty sure this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Please take note of how important these 5 featured headlines are. Thank god nothing else is happening in the world that might bump Kathy Griffin from the top news story of the moment. WAR IS OVER! Go grab a nurse in Times Square and totally tap dat ass!

OK, let’s ignore the fact that these Yahoo headlines make your high school newspaper look like The New York Times and focus on the reason my panties are all up in a bunch. Can it possibly be news that Kathy Griffin turned down “Dancing with the Stars?” I might, MIGHT, understand if the headline said something like “Kathy Griffin says YES to Dancing with the Stars” but no, this is a story reporting something that would barely be interesting if it HAD happened. It’s no different than a headline that reads “Tom Hanks still alive” or “Student filmmaker still working at Old Navy.” Nobody needs to know.

If I know you personally and you feel compelled to click “The reason why” link please never speak to me again.

I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs’ crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn’t come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard.

I’ve already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning’s gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron “Satan” Snyder had this to say, “Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart.” Who cares?

Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said “I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did.” Yes, they were once so exciting!

Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, “But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend.”

Praise Jesus!

Maddox is pretty angry too.

First of all, who is actually drinking any Michelob product on purpose? I can understand if you were walking down the street and a construction worker on a skyscraper spilled his Michelob just as you looked up to admire the clouds and a few drops got in your mouth. Or maybe you get shot in the mouth and a good samaritan reaches for a Michelob to clean the wound. But how does a person choose to drink a Michelob?

A bigger question is, who reaches for a Michelob ULTRA Fruit Infused Beer? Possibly a nine-year-old girl? I don’t know about you, but when I’m hangin’ with the bros doing bro things, like watching sports and admiring each others’ bodies, I can often be heard saying “Dude, toss me another Tuscan Orange Grapefruit!”

“Sorry broskie, all we have left is Pomegranate Raspberry or Lime Cactus.”

“Fucking bro, no fucking way dude! I bought the Tuscan Orange Grapefruit for me!”

Then I usually have a good cry.

Come on, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Is VH1 really so bored that they need to pull Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black out of the mothballs to make snarky comments on the ACTUAL DECADE WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN?

Hey, who remembers hurricane Katrina? That was hilarious! Remember Paris Hilton? What ever happened to her? And just who DID let the dogs out? Is this show real or is it an elaborate hoax created by my enemies to give me a rage-induced heart attack?

OK, here’s the deal. I liked “I Love the 80’s” the first time around. In fact I watched all ten episodes in a row at my friend’s house. I was moderately amused by “I Love the 70’s.” Then came “I Love the 90’s” and I was starting to fantasize about different ways to murder Hal Sparks. What’s next “I Love right now” where Michael Ian Black discusses what Hal Sparks just said and Hal Sparks discusses what Michael Ian Black just said in a never-ending loop?

Stop it VH1. You are making me dislike Michael Ian Black, a person I happen to really like otherwise. On the other hand, I could give two shits about Hal Sparks and his crap heavy metal band. How can you possibly sound heavy and awesome if the name of your band is “The Hal Sparks Band?”

“Dude, why are your ears bleeding?”

“Oh, I was just listening to The Hal Sparks Band.”

VH1, stop before you kill again. Let Hal go back to his first love, trying to find leather pants in toddler sizes so he can look tough.

Can we all just agree to knock off this new wave of preppy, collar popping, flip flopping bullshit? I already lived through it once in the 80’s so asking me to experience it again is like asking a 95 year old war veteran to head over to Europe and fight a little more WWII. The old guy and I just don’t need the hassle right now.

The most amazing thing about these turds is that I think they actually get laid! BY WOMEN! “Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable. Oh, look at that, too late I’m already wearing flip flops.” Listen Brad, nobody wants to stare at your beer-soaked toes while they are trying to eat. If you are in a situation that requires pants then you are in a situation that requires shoes. You look retarded Brad.

I will give a pass to Kanye West and Kanye West ONLY. Kanye just looks fucking cool dressing like the mayor of Cape Cod. You, on the other hand, look like a major tool.

Nothing shows lady America that you love her like wrapping your smelly pubes in her flag! Thanks for the freedom, now kiss my taint.

Am I wrong to assume that most people who actually walk around in American flag clothing are strongly against the desecration of old glory? Yet these same super-patriots don’t think twice about ripping apart the very flag they claim to hold so dear and jamming their fat, sweaty body parts into it. I think the flag would rather die a quick death from burning than spend the next 15 years pressed against your wiener.

I fully understand what the flag stands for and why people love and respect it. My grandfather fought in WWII and I can remember how upset it would make him to see the flag touch the ground, even if it was a small child letting his tiny flag touch the ground while scrambling for candy at a 4th of July parade. Not angry upset but more like the emotion you would feel if you saw someone accidentally knock your grandmother over and keep walking. It was genuinely heartbreaking to him.

The flag meant something VERY real to him and he was willing to die for it. I wonder how many people would be willing to die for their American flag flip flops? Isn’t it the same thing? What makes one object covered in stars and stripes different from the next? If some dirty hippie can’t burn the flag why can you literally get shit and piss on it while you walk around the state fair? Are you starting to see how smart I am yet? Did you notice my last 5 sentences ended with question marks? Does that make me a bad writer? Probably.

Get out of that flag and into my list!

I really have a stick up my ass for super tool and host of The Food Network show ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives’ Guy Fieri. If I ever see him walking towards me on the street I’m gonna… well I don’t know if I could even tell if he was walking towards me because the retard wears his sunglasses on the back of his head. Well played Fieri, you are like a cobra!

What do I hate most about this turd, it’s so hard to choose. Is it his wussy, 1996, “Swingers,” rockabilly wardrobe? Maybe it’s his permanent, fake smile and aggressively annoying laugh? The TGI Friday’s commercials? It could be that he ruins what could be one of the only watchable shows on The Food Network. I love to eat at diners and drive-ins but I can’t make it through an episode thanks to this ass.

While I’m at it, let’s throw most of The Food Network on my god damn list. They have a bad habit of hiring the most annoying people on the planet and then giving them about 20 shows each. You can’t turn that channel on without Bobby Flay trying to fight you or Paula Deen trying to eat you.

Guy Fieri and The Food Network, I want a written apology!