You just made my list!

Yeah that’s right, I fucking blew off my precious blog today. Nobody cares anyway.

Shut up and watch the last two episodes of “Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis.”

I quit.

When you “double down” in the game of blackjack you are essentially doubling your risk with the hopes of doubling your reward.* When you force Kentucky Fried Chicken’s latest crime against humanity, the Double Down sandwich, down your gaping maw you are doubling your toilet’s reward.

Is it possible KFC is playing an elaborate, multimillion dollar prank on the world? Is this one of Andy Samberg’s HILARIOUS Digital Shorts? Even Kentucky Fried Chicken needs to convince themselves this monstrosity is not just a bad dream. The first sentence out of their greasy mouths on the official Double Down page is “The new KFC Double Down sandwich is real!” Even they can’t believe how fucking disgusting people are. I would not be surprised if they started pushing the limits even further just to see what they can get away with. Chicken fat shakes? Napkins made out of chicken skin? Perhaps they can bypass the whole eating thing and just force grease up your ass with a giant hose.

The thing I love about how uneducated we** are about food is that I actually found a few girlie “diet” websites taking about what a great diet sandwich this will be because it doesn’t have bread, A.K.A. carbs. Do I even need to waste my time dissecting this theory? TWO SLABS OF FRIED CHICKEN, TWO STRIPS OF BACON, TWO MELTED SLICES OF CHEESE AND THE “COLONEL’S SAUCE!” I’m going to get into those skinny jeans by June!

I’m exhausted just from looking at the photo of this piece of shit.

*Shut up, I realize this is not technically correct but I’m not writing a Guide to Blackjack here!

** Not me, I’m a genius.

Can someone please tell me who the fuck the “Beauty Gurus” are and why I want to kick them all in the teeth?

Yeah that’s right, Listy has dropped the ball again. Sorry I decided to WORK and MAKE MONEY rather than blog for free. Maybe if some of you ingrates would click on my ads and buy a bunch of crap you don’t want or need old Listy (your hero) could stop working on other things. So really I blame you for the lack of a real post today. Way to go jerk.

In other news… I am ashamed of how much I enjoy these bloopers. In fact I’m ashamed of how much I like bloopers in general!

Ever wonder how George Bush got elected?

I donated $50,000 to your shitty event and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!

Think of the business that’s going to pour in from that 1/4 inch logo on the back of the T-shirt for the event you sponsored. Unless your company manufactures exercise equipment or sleeping equipment, don’t waste your time because these t-shirts will be exclusively worn at the gym or as a “sleeping shirt.”

At least with the incredible amount of white space separating each piece of art your logo will REALLY stand out! I think they should combine all the logos into one super logo that fills the entire back of the shirt. Everyone wins!

That’s all I got. There’s BBQ chicken in the next room begging to be eaten.

I share my toys and I also share signs my parents make me hold.

I’m writing this on my brand new computer! When a friend brought “Kidical Mass” to my attention this morning I was so filled with rage I literally ate my old computer. Yeah, I ATE a 27″ iMac!

I realize I just wrote about bike hipsters a couple days ago and have already taken a shit on “Critical Mass” but this is child abuse and it must be stopped. These poor kids are being turned into bearded hipsters and Bon Iver fans without their knowledge. It reminds me of the children of KKK members. Yeah, that’s right, Kidical Mass is exactly the same as the Ku Klux Klan!

Apparently this nonsense is designed to raise awareness about bike safety or something. Here’s an idea, keep your kids OUT OF THE ROAD! The road is for cars, not toddlers with poopies in their pants, struggling to stay upright on a SpongeBob bike. The last thing I need is some mini-hipster scratching my SUV when I’m trying to watch YouTube on my iPhone while driving.

Here’s the deal… If this is just supposed to be some fun family activity don’t name it after such a jackass event. Call it “Family Fun Bike Time Festival of Fun and Bikes!” Everyone (yes EVERYONE) hates Critical Mass except the hipster douchebags who participate in it, so associating your kid with such a bunch of misguided bullshit is lame. Just stay home and listen to Neutral Milk Hotel* as a family.

I will sit back and await my Nobel Peace Prize.

*For the record, I love Neutral Milk Hotel

What the fuck is wrong with white people?

You know when I run? Never. I MIGHT run if a bear was chasing me but to be honest, I think I would rather be eaten alive than be out of breath. I think being inside a nice warm bear would be much more pleasant that dealing with those darn leg cramps the next morning.

Even with my disdain for using my legs for anything other than as a kickass napping bridge for a fluffy cat, I can still understand why some people enjoy running. I barely understand why anyone would want to subject themselves to a normal marathon but this Antarctica bullshit is just out of hand.

Polar bear clubs are like the Ford Tempos of winter enthusiasts but these over-achiever marathon assholes are the Hummers. “LOOK AT ME! I’M SPECIAL! I’M BETTER THAN YOU!”  I hope it’s worth the $4,300 entrance fee plus the money and effort to get your tight ass down to the bottom of our planet so you can run around in your tights with snot frozen to your handsome face.

Dicks.

Want to know what every hipster in Chicago looks like? I mean do you want to know EXACTLY what EVERY hipster in Chicago looks like? Then simply gaze upon this cookie-cutter douchebag. You will have to imagine the body odor but just think of what it might smell like if a dog barfed onions all over a homeless man’s pubes on a 95-degree day.

Look, I get it, people like to be around other people with similar interests but does everyone have to be wrapped in the exact same uniform? Especially when your clique is supposed to be all about individualism and counter-culture blah blah blah.

It used to be that all the “cool” people played in bands but for some reason, in the blink of an eye, everyone ditched their guitars and started pretending to be “Dave” from Breaking Away. I miss the days when hipsters pretended to be working-class British factory workers!