I am not kidding when I say who the fuck are the Kardashians and why are they on my TV? Seriously, who are these whores?
I originally knew the name Kardashian because their father, Robert, was buddies with OJ Simpson during the killing spree years and went on to be one of the 5,000 lawyers who represented him during the trial. I know that the mom, Kris, is now married to Bruce “old lady face” Jenner. I know that I watched Kim Kardashian fuck a rapper online. To tell you the truth, that’s more than I need to know about this nightmare of a family.
Do we really need a reality show about every dipshit family in America? What does it say about the current state of our society that these are the kind of people we worship? Fuck me, we are dumb!
If you watch this show for any reason other than the cleavage and the giant asses please put your head in the toilet, flush it 5 times and think about what you have done. In fact, go ahead and poop in that toilet first.
Have you ever witnessed something so insanely stupid that you were convinced the government was doing an experiment on you? All you can do is cringe and look for the hidden cameras. This happens to me about once a day.
While at the muffler shop I overheard a discussion between two mechanics that made me want to grab an acetylene torch and weld my ears closed. “Hotel California” by the Eagles was playing over the shitty shop radio and mechanic #1 was about to pee his pants with excitement. You see, mechanic #1 had some sort of inside secret about this song that he could not wait to share with mechanic #2. Luckily for me, I was able to eavesdrop while pretending to read a copy of People magazine from 2005 – did you know Paris and Nicole’s friendship is on the rocks?
Mechanic #1 “Dude, do you know what this song is really about?”
Mechanic #2 “Hotels?”
Mechanic #1 “No. Dude, it’s about heart surgery.”
Mechanic #2 “Huh? I’m pretty sure it’s about a hotel in California, the cover of the album has a hotel…”
Mechanic #1 “SILENCE! It is about surgeons operating on a dude with heart cancer. Just listen.”
Mechanic #1 proceeded to present his flawless theory like this…
“Mirrors on the ceiling” = operating room
“The pink champagne on ice” = blood
“And she said ’we are all just prisoners here, of our own device” = ?
“And in the master’s chambers” = still the operating room
“They gathered for the feast” = gathering for surgery
“They stab it with their steely knives” = heart cancer surgery
“But they just can’t kill the beast” = dude, you can’t kill cancer
Surprisingly, or maybe not, mechanic #2 seemed to agree with this this guy and was kind of having an “ah ha” moment like how could he have been so stupid to miss the real meaning of the song all the years. I guess, like mechanic #1, he had forgotten about the other 95% of the lyrics.
Here we fucking go again. I keep hearing quotes about how “people want to have a beer” with John McCain’s odd choice for vice president, Sarah Palin. Here’s an idea dipshit, go have a beer with your cousin, whom you are probably also sleeping with, and let the adults decide who should be president.
I would hope that our next president is so busy fixing the mess your beer buddy George W. Bush left behind that he would not have time to go with you to TGI Fridays for a beer and a bloomin’ onion. After 8 disastrous years with everyone’s favorite frat boy in office how is it possible there are still people simple-minded enough to think like this?
Right wingers love to call Democrats “elitists.” Guess what fuckhead, the leader of the free fucking world SHOULD BE ELITE! He or she should be the best we have to offer. They should be a fucking genius who can barely throw a football from all the hours spent doing homework and going to math camp. The funniest thing about it is that George W. Bush comes from one of the richest and most powerful families in the country and that stupid motherfucker would NEVER lower himself to have a beer with you and your sweaty friends. Stop packing your bags because you ain’t getting invited to his pretend ranch for a kegger.
Fuck you and fuck your fantasies of playing beer pong with your new presidential drinking buddy. Do everyone a favor and stay home drinking beer with your friends on election day.
I watch a lot of People’s Court and the biggest crime you will see is the murder of the English language. This is not a rant against People’s Court however. I love People’s Court. I want to marry People’s Court. People’s Court is the greatest achievement mankind has known.
My complaint is not specifically with people who appear on TV courtroom shows, or this lovely couple to the left (God help us), it’s really about anyone who says “had went.” For example “I had went to 7-11 to buy my old lady a panty rose when I ran into my parole officer.” Here’s the way this works, just say “I WENT to 7-11…” or if you really want to impress people with extra words you can say “I had GONE…” OK? Simple enough right?
Here’s another odd grammatical phenomenon that seems to be spreading. More and more I keep hearing people using the word “whenever” in place of “when.” What the fuck? Stop it! Someone will say “Whenever I went to buy some crystal meth I realized I left my money in my other overalls.” NO NO NO! It should simply be “WHEN I went to buy some crystal meth…”
I just realized there must be people who say “WHENEVER I HAD WENT to buy some crystal meth…” I hate these people.
I literally don’t know what to say about these people. I have been trying to write a post about them for weeks but give up each time because I am paralyzed by these photos. I am not kidding, my brain shuts off as utter confusion engulfs my soul. HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I actually start to feel physically ill. I swear to God I am not lying, I can only look at these shit faces for a few seconds before I have to choke down that barfy feeling. If you are a woman drunk enough to go home with one of these douchebags do you wake up the next morning looking like you just dug out of prison?
WHAT IS HAPPENING, I RELATE TO NOTHING! There is no God.
Hey, who needs more attention than the jerks who ride around on tall bikes? Idiots who hang themselves from hooks!
Poor Brad and Kim didn’t get enough attention in high school. Oh, but do they have a way to get even with all of you, they are going to stick giant hooks through their white trash tattoos and hang around like giant ball sacks. I know “to each his own” but fuck off already with this nonsense.
“Brad, this is your father. Get down from those God damn hooks and mow the lawn or we aren’t going to the water park tomorrow!”
I keep hearing this week that John McCain has been getting better poll numbers and it is attributed to his attack ads. That’s great, way to go America! If laziness could be turned into oil we would be set for life.
“Barack Obama hates the troops, the TV box told me so. My research is done, let’s go to Wal-Mart!”
You know what, not a single political commercial should ever be watched, it is utterly pointless. What are you going to learn about a candidate in 30 or 60 seconds? You are going to learn that one guy has a dog and hangs out with hardworking Americans and the other guy looks evil in photos and uses the flag as toilet paper. Why are we so inclined to be stupid and lazy when it comes to important decisions? People put more mental energy into deciding where to eat lunch every day.
And what’s the fucking deal with John McCain and his fear mongering and spewing of misinformation. I guess I thought he was above that brand of gutter politics. I’m sorry but there is nothing LESS American than misleading the American people for political gain. Aren’t we all sick of being chin-deep in bullshit by now?
As Americans we all lose when we allow ourselves to be manipulated by political propaganda machines, right or left. We can’t afford to fuck this election up and if you are basing your decision for President on 30 second commercials I kindly ask you to punch yourself in your balls and/or vagina.
I watch a lot of People’s Court and the biggest crime you will see is the murder of the English language. This is not a rant against People’s Court however. I love People’s Court. I want to marry People’s Court. People’s Court is the greatest achievement mankind has known.
