You just made my list!

Come on, really? I mean… what? I don’t need this shit, not today, not ever. Why?

I think I’m going to be sick.

When I walk in to a house and see one of those awful display cabinets filled with little porcelain clowns and angel statuettes I immediately know two things… 1) I accidentally walked into the wrong house and 2) I am within 15 feet of a TV playing America’s Funniest Home Videos… ON A VCR!

In general, I hate clutter and believe less is more when it comes to home decoration and nothing is more horrifically cluttery than a small army of Precious Moments figurines staring you down with their giant heads and soulless eyes. Get a room! I really don’t need to have your filthy toddler love and under-aged romance shoved in my face. How do you think it makes me feel when I’m home alone, drunk, with no girlfriend* and no chance for sex in the near future but somehow these two children have managed to meet, date, fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, PAY for a wedding and go to Disney World on their honeymoon, all at the ripe old age of seven? What’s so fucking Precious about that?

We’ll see how long it lasts.

*Sorry ladies, I actually have a girlfriend.

You know what would be like so cool and like totally show like how poetic and deep my photography is? Totally imagine this, it’s like a black and white image but like there are roses that are like totally still red? Yeah yeah yeah, I know, right? It’s like the world is ugly and like dying but like the beauty of the rose lives on? It’s like the innocence of children but like also dangerous because of the thorns? Also like vampires and Wicca and like blood but like beautiful and timeless and delicate but also totally strong? You know? It’s like I’m the single red rose and my parents are the desolate world trying to like totally make me wilt but I’m too bold and bright to be like… ignored?

Gallery of shit

Douchebags.

You know what the world needs? The world needs another shitty splattery painty-paint painting of Jimi Hendrix. If only it could be painted in five minutes by a prancing nerd with a wacky “rock and roll” attitude… an attitude that says “I wore SHORTS to the U2 concert!” Oh, and can all of this please take place at the Motorola “May The Sales Force Be With You” conference in ballroom C at the Phoenix Radisson? Thank you.

Speed painting is to art what Sammy Hagar is to Van Halen. Speed painting is the Guy Fieri of  the art world! In fact, you know who I bet LOVES speed painting? I promise you Guy Fieri has a splashy speed painting of himself in that crazy rock and roll house of his.

Bob Seger + theater nerds + Jay Leno = the nightmares I will have on my deathbed.

Damn, that Credit Union Lending Direct party was OFF THE CHAIN! I guarantee he had the image outlined in pencil before he started “painting.”

Finally my love of shitty performance painting collides head-on with my love of church! Jesus Christ.

Yeah, that creepy poster of a baby dressed as corn is really going to brighten up your beer-soaked, double-wide trailer. IT’S SOOOOO CUTE!

I think I hate Anne Geddes because I’m jealous of her. I mean could there be anything easier than plopping some stupid babies into a giant salad and snapping a few photos? Put a baby in a bunny suit and get ready to start counting your money. BITCH!

The only people worse than Anne Geddes are the tasteless dolts who eat this shit up. I honestly can’t comprehend looking at one of these posters and thinking “Oh yeah, I love that. I love it when babies dress in cactus outfits. I NEED that!” I like children, but this shit makes me want to do a Geddes-style poster of a baby dressed as a golf ball that’s about to get whacked by a giant golf club.

And can we all just PLEASE agree to stop taking black and white photos of tiny babies being held by hairy shirtless men? OK, we get it, life is precious and fragile and babies look small in big hands and look how strong those hands look and we have to protect babies and the circle of life and kumbaya and peace on Earth and that scene in Ghost where Patrick Swayze fucks Demi Moore on a pottery wheel and Sarah Palin, and Jesus and Blue Collar Comedy and Walmart… Lord, take me now!

Lucky you, today you get to hear me complain about two things that suck.

1) The Apple store!

Let me first say that I love Apple products. However, I’m not a blind “fanboy,” rather I love Macs because they FUCKING WORK and as a graphic designer there is no substitute. Unfortunately I have had to spend a lot of time in the Apple store this week due to the cockless anus face who stole my computer. Have you been in an Apple store recently? They are bucking the system by eliminating any form of check out counter. Instead, each hip t-shirt-wearing employee has the ability to complete your purchase right there where they are standing in their skinny jeans. This may look cool, but it means the end of waiting in a orderly line to be served. The only way, literally, to be served in an Apple store is to stand in the middle of the floor with a confused look, like a sad puppy begging for a Snausage. It makes you feel like a whore standing on a street corner trying to out-whore the other whores.

2) Threadless iPhone cases!

If you have any doubt as to why I FUCKING HATE Threadless, please watch this video and it will all be clear. These fucking assholes at Griffin Technology and Threadless are acting like they cured cancer when they accidentally mixed their cure for A.I.D.S. with their cure for multiple sclerosis. Mark McGlon (never has a last name so perfectly described a lumpy tub of crap) practically has tears in his fat eyes as he describes the printing of doodles on plastic iPhone cases as “brilliant.” Brilliant? BRILLIANT?!? And if you ever wanted to see inside the empty mind of a Threadless design winner (and Threadless employee… hmmmmm), please watch douchebag hipster nerd Joe Van Wetering describe the BRILLIANT design process behind his doodles. Please get your gentle voice and Hitler hair out of my dreams and into my car, where I will drive you to a warehouse and force you to makeout with a girl.

“Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you’ve never been hurt
and live like it’s heaven on Earth.”

Fuck you like no one is watching. Go fuck yourself like no one is listening. Fuck off like you’ve never been fucked and suck my dick like it’s heaven on Earth!

I HATE shit like this so much! First of all, don’t tell me what to do. I don’t need some jackass wall “art” from Bed Bath and Beyond telling me how to live my life. Guess what asshole, you SHOULD dance like people are watching because they are and you look like a convulsing idiot. Maybe it’s best if you simply stop dancing, singing, loving and living altogether. And another thing, why is “altogether” one word? It’s like the word “nonetheless.” Stop showing off and just be separate words like everyone else!

Sorry, back to your shitty store-bought philosophy. It sucks.