Tag Archive 'fashion'

Dec 21 2010

Men who wear choker necklaces!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

choker necklace for men

If you are one of the tragic gentlemen who choose this horrifying fashion accessory but do not know what vibe you are giving off, consider this… while searching for photos of men wearing choker necklaces I was only able to find photos of shirtless man-boys. I shouldn’t have to say anything else, but I will.

Lest ye think I am calling you and your little leather noodle gay, think again, I am calling you douchey. Even the most fabulous gay cage dancer could not pull this look off.

It is curious that every photo I found to illustrate my point ended up being so homoerotic because I normally associate these chokers with suburban IT guys who suffer from premature balding. They troubleshoot your Microsoft Office issues by day and play in Puddle of Mudd cover bands by night. They drink Miller Vortex and they have strong opinions about Battlestar Galactica.

Either that or they are super gay, I can’t tell the difference anymore.

23 responses so far

Dec 03 2010

Old people who don’t look old!

active senior citizens, old people

Part 473 in my series, “Why does everything suck now?”

As I mentioned before, I love old people, I really do, but it’s getting harder to distinguish them from the younger crowd when they ride around the city on Vespas wearing cool clothes and listening to The Arcade Fire on their iPods. I need to know you are old so I can respect you, otherwise I’m just going to judge you and hate you like I do everyone else!

When I was a kid, old people looked old and they acted their age. In fact, they acted older than their age and it felt right. Old ladies got their hair set once a week at the beauty shop, they protected that hairdo with a clear plastic rain bonnet while outdoors (rain or shine) and continued to protect that precious blue hair at night with yet another bonnet. They wore those old lady glasses and they wore dresses in public, house dresses while watching their “stories” at home and nightgowns to bed. I’m fairly sure they were never naked, ever. They wore enough perfume to mark you like an animal for a week after they hugged you and they didn’t fucking do water aerobics.

Old men wore their pants high and kept their pockets filled with pens, tire gauges and pocket knives. They had ear hair and nose hair thick enough to make a broom and their hands were big and intimidating. They had a favorite chair, you knew not to bother them while they occupied that chair and if you suggested they try “Sweating to the Oldies” they would punch you in the face with their giant hands, leaving you to pick hand hair out of your face for the rest of the day.

They looked the part and it gave us kids a visual reminder that they were the grown-ups and we were mostly just in the way. The good old days.

But forget about all that today. Today’s selfish old people have the nerve to milk life for everything it’s worth and can usually be spotted having fun in comfortable clothing. What the fuck is up with that?

24 responses so far

Dec 02 2010

Balding men with ponytails!

bald men with ponytails, bad ponytails Sad. Look at your long, luxurious silken mane! Tell me young man, are you a model for romance novels? I honestly thought for a second that you were Fabio. Seriously, I’m not kidding, I saw you and… OH MY GOD, YOU’RE BALD! MY EYES! I WAS SO DISTRACTED BY YOUR BEAUTIFUL PONYTAIL THAT I HADN’T NOTICED! IT BURNS! Come on pal, do you really think those last few tragic strands of hair clinging for life on the back of your head are enough to distract from the polished orb that sits just above? I know you desperately want to tell the world “I’m fun! I own Bruce Springsteen’s greatest hits!” but maybe it’s time to throw in the hair towel and admit that Mother Nature is kicking your head’s ass. I know you have a bit of a “rep” to maintain at the shoelace factory but maybe it’s time to let that new guy in shipping be the “cool, easy-going rock dude” for a while. Nothing wrong with being bald, right? Maybe if you shave your head you will acquire an LL Cool J vibe, or better yet Bruce Willis! There, now we’re talking, you want to be the new Bruce Willis in the neighborhood? I’ll make you a deal, cut off that feeble tail, bury it in backyard and I will buy you a harmonica. I think Bruce Willis said it best… respect yourself.

25 responses so far

Oct 12 2010

Brand new ripped blue jeans!

ripped destroyed new designer jeans

Guess what? This post is going to suck it hard because it’s late and I’m lazy. You see, I actually had to prepare a bunch of stuff tonight for a workshop I was asked to teach about blogging. I know, RIGHT? I am so fucking awesome! I’m going to make the world’s worst/best Power Point presentation for this thing, I can’t wait. I need to track down a corduroy jacket with elbow patches ASAP!

So anyway… let’s talk a little bit about ripped up designer jeans. They are ridiculous. Can I just say that and go to bed?

Why do people want to walk around like they were just attacked by fucking piranhas? And why do they want to pay handsomely for that privilege? When did it become cool to look homeless? Sorry bro, it doesn’t make you look edgy, it just makes you look like you were dragged behind a tractor. Ahhhhh, let me hold onto that image for a while.

The people who wear this nonsense seriously need to get their shit together and think about doing something important with their lives, like teaching blogging workshops. As a professor of blogging, I have superior intelligence and can tell you, without question, that these inconsequential simpletons know not of their own deplorable demeanor. The French have a saying, “Votre pantalon est chié” which means, “Your pants are shit.” At least that’s what Babel Fish says.

25 responses so far

Sep 30 2010

Juggalos!

juggalos tits boobs flashing ICP

10 easy steps to becoming a Juggalo:

1. Be white. The whiter the better. Try to be almost clear if possible.

2. Be drunk and/or high at least 65% of any given day.

3. Be so incredibly stupid that when you aren’t drunk and/or high it’s impossible to tell the difference.

4. Be poor.

5. Be shaped like a beanbag chair. Alternatively, be shockingly skinny from crystal meth abuse.

6. Have lots of free time. Don’t let bullshit like school or a job get in the way of your Juggalo activities. That fat face isn’t going to paint itself.

7. Love to braid your hair.

8. Have crooked hands. I don’t know what it is but anytime I see a photo of a Juggalo their hands and fingers are all twisted up. I wonder if this is caused by a steady diet of Faygo, off-brand beef sticks and video games.

9. Be in a wheelchair. Juggalos in wheelchairs get extra bonus points!

10. Be amazed and perplexed by magnets.

Gallery of parental failure:

“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?”

102 responses so far

Sep 29 2010

Photos of “bad boy” celebrities taking a drag off a cigarette!

johnny dep, brad pitt, celebrities smoking photos

Great, now look at the camera – click click – perfect, now look down – click click – great, great – click – I love it – click click click – Beautiful! Let’s try something totally outrageous, something that has never been tried before. Let’s try one where you are taking a drag off a cigarette. Yeah, I know it sounds crazy but you’ve got to trust me on this one, I think it will make you look like the biggest bad ass that has ever lived. What’s that, you don’t smoke? Well it’s time to learn if you ever expect to be awesome. You want to look cool and mysterious, right? OK, here we go – click – YEAH, I LOVE IT – click click – Ooooh, the choking is great, keep doing that – click click

We get it, you’re a bad boy. You wear distressed Motley Crüe T-shirts that you paid $300 for in Beverly Hills and, as much as your mother begs, you simply refuse to quit smoking. Congratulations celebrity tough guys, you are exactly as cool as a teenage boy.

To be honest, I blame the photographers for perpetrating this cliché over and over like a bunch of high school photo students shooting pictures of a single flower poking through the snow. Deep, very deep.

35 responses so far

Sep 21 2010

Panda hair!

skunk hair black and white dyed hairdos jersey shore skunk hair

First of all, fight the urge to tell me this hairdo is actually called “skunk hair” because I call it “panda hair” and I run the internet.

These black and white dye jobs can usually be found at the mall or Eastern European nightclubs and are most likely accompanied by orange skin, fake designer sunglasses and a yeast infection.

Owners of this hair would defend themselves by saying something like…

FUK U
MA HAIR IZ DA SHIT
AN U R
JUS JELUS BITCH
<3 MUAH <3

While this a valid argument I’m going to go ahead and respectfully disagree.

25 responses so far

Sep 03 2010

American Apparel is going bankrupt, praise pretend Jesus!

Published by under Awesome!

american apparel bankrupt bankruptcy chapter 11

Shit, where will I buy my fanny packs and shiny disco leggings now?

Ironic hipsters and flat-chested teen runaways (AKA future American Apparel models) the world over are freaking out because dressing like a fucking asshole is about to get a little harder. Seems that Dov Charney’s business model of sitting around masturbating all day and rehashing every fashion mistake of the 80s is not working out too well.

You’d think a company that sells satin jackets and features vaginal penetration in their ads would be around longer.

Bye bye now.

31 responses so far

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