You just made my list!

First, God purposefully kills Corey on my birthday, then last night he had the fucking balls to cut Haim out of the Academy Awards death montage! When God killed Corey last year, I thought he was sending a message to young Hollywood, but now that I see his latest stunt I can clearly see this is all designed to upset me!

Well guess what God, I think you are a real meanie for trying to ruin my Oscars party. You know I spent two solid hours popping popcorn! I know you saw it because the bible tells us in Levitra 2:13-17 “And so-eth it shall be known-eth that I, the supreme overload, shall keep tabs upon you and will monitor all things great and small, including but not limited to-eth, football games, The Country Music Awards, Childrens beauty pageants, etc. I even watch you while-est you are pooping.”

WTF, God? I will not take this ROFL!

Look at me, I’m God, I hate everything, I’m jealous of people who are funnier than me so I kill them from high atop my magical cloud spaceship. I sit alone in my cloud condo eating sandwiches made out of some animal that only I know about, slowly killing off the cast of Airplane because nobody ever came to see my improv group even though I like totally put flyers up all over heaven. Peter Graves DEAD… Barbara Billingsley DEAD… Leslie Nielsen… SEE YA! Look out guy who had the starring role but nobody knows the name of, because you are next. La dee frickin’ da, I’m God and I’m going to take all my toys home unless someone plays with me.

Leslie Nielsen farts on TV and you love it!

You proud of yourself, God? I bet you think you are king of the fucking universe right now, don’t you? All high and mighty, sitting up there on your cloud, killing two beloved TV parents in the same week. As Christian Bale says, “OH, GOOD FOR YOU!”

Well you finally did it, you made Wally and Beaver orphans. I know you have been dreaming of this day for a long time and now you can kick up your old man feet on some stupid cloud La-Z-Boy® recliner that’s made out of clouds and smells like clouds and give yourself  a nice slow clap. I watched “Leave it to Beaver” every day after Junior High so I can’t help but think some of this was aimed at hurting me.

Let me get this straight, God… Guy Fieri gets to wake up tomorrow and put on his favorite flame-covered bowling shirt but June fucking Cleaver is six feet under? Yeah yeah, don’t give me this “she was 94 years old” bullshit, you’re God, give unto her the ability to live forever! Dick.

Barbara Billingsley being awesome

And then this shit happens…

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days.
Tuesday, kill Mr. Cunningham?

What’s wrong with you? Tom Bosley was Father Dowling, A FUCKING PRIEST, for your son’s sake. Were you jealous that Bosley was on pretty much every classic TV show ever… Car 54 Where Are you, Get Smart, The Mod Squad, Bewitched, Mission: Impossible, Maude, The Paul Lynde Show, Love Boat, Happy Fucking Days, Touched by an Angel!?!

You wish your resume was that strong, God. Let’s see, what have YOU done with your life? You created the Earth 6,000 years ago. BFD! I entered a video in Madonna’s “Make My Video” contest on MTV in 1986 and they fucking played it on the air, TWICE, and said my name, but you don’t see me going around bragging about it every two seconds.

Let me see if I understand this… Mr. C. is dead but right now, as we speak, Guy Fieri is buying a totally “money” belt buckle that looks like dice? It just doesn’t add up.

I realize this Happy Days intro is from the time period when the show sucked and it started to look like the 80s even though it was still the 50s and Fonzie was a teacher or something, but I wanted you to see the super douche move that occurs at the 0:49 mark. Watch closely.

I won’t even try to be a smart ass today because I am genuinely sad about the death of Harvey Pekar and don’t really want to make a joke out of it.

I also don’t feel like going into a long explanation of who Harvey Pekar is because I’m assuming most of you already know and quite honestly I don’t think I can do him justice with my half-assed attempt at an obituary. If you haven’t read American Splendor I command you to do so! I don’t even like comic books or illustrated novels but I love American Splendor! Likewise, if you have not seen the brilliant movie about Harvey, also titled American Splendor, you should watch it immediately.

Like most people, I was first introduced to Harvey Pekar via his confrontational Letterman appearances. If you are unfamiliar or a little younger than me, you need to keep those appearances in context. First of all, television had never seen anything like Late Night with David Letterman. It seems commonplace now but at the time Letterman’s antics were groundbreaking and shocking. He pushed the limits of what could be done on TV, specifically the limits of how entertaining the mundane could be. You simply did not see people on a major network dedicating entire segments to throwing things off a five-story building or stupid tricks performed by animals.

Now, add a cranky comic book writer from Cleveland who didn’t give a shit that he was biting the hand that feeds with every appearance and it was impossible to turn away. Again, this was decades before the TV was filled with self-destructive reality “stars” and it was fascinating to witness.

Like Letterman, Pekar pulled high drama out of the seemingly mundane. He simply told the story of his day to day life in comic book form, warts and all. Mostly warts. He was an outsider artist who managed to poke his head into the mainstream from time to time but only long enough to make himself uncomfortable, then it was back to obscurity at his hospital job in Cleveland. His books are incredibly engaging but as I sit here trying analyze why I feel that way I can’t come up with a reason. I mean he writes about riding the bus and working as a filing clerk but somehow you can’t wait for the next page.

I’m trying to think of some big smart-sounding way to end this but I guess it makes more sense to just say I’m glad people like Harvey Pekar exist.

Harvey’s first Letterman appearance. He came out swinging from the beginning. (Bad audio in some parts)
Part 1

Part 2

Things were still going OK at this point.

This gets a little bumpy.

Possibly Harvey’s last Letterman Appearance in 1993

OK, you win God, big fucking deal. Great, you killed your arch rival, Ronnie James Dio. It’s bad enough that I got drunk on Old Style beer today at a baseball game (awesome seats, thanks Joey) but then I have to come home to this shit?

And let me tell you this, if one person says anything about this being a weak post I will literally hunt you down Rambo-style and kill you with my bare hands. As I write this I have such an incredible headache that I can barely keep my eyes open. Take me lord! Kill me and give the world Ronnie James Dio in return.

Best song ever (fuck you Beatles)

Have you ever been an hour away from hosting a dinner party when you realize “Holy shit, I fucking forgot to make mashed fucking potatoes. MY PARTY IS RUINED!” Well idiot, next time that happens, just fire up the internet and hop over to Craigslist. POW, problem solved! And you thought Craigslist was only good for finding BBW prostitutes.

Over the weekend my girlfriend (yeah, I actually have a girlfriend, fuck you) found this post on Craigslist and it made me happier than the resurrection of magic Jesus. I could waste my breath pointing out all the things that make it insane, but why state the obvious. Instead I will show you the very real email exchange between me, as “Kenneth,” and the guy selling mashed potatoes. Again, these are real!

His original Craigslist post…

mashed potato/just heat and serve
IM IN THE PROCESS OF MAKING THIS FOR SOME FRIENDS HOUSE. THEY CALLED AND CANCLED AND WE ARE NOW GOING OUT TO DINNER WITH THEM. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT IT IN YOUR OVEN FOR 40 MIN AT 375 AND WA,LA. ITS REALLY GOOD. WE HAD IT FOR OUR FRIENDS THANKSGIVING AND THEY REQUESTED IT AGAIN. THATS HOW GOOD. IT WILL BE DECORATED WITH A COLORED EGG IN CENTER OF MASHED POTATO(E). PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx. ONLY THOSE WHO BELIVE NEED REPLY.” GOD BLESS “…………ALL.

My first email to him…

Hello. Are the Mashed Potatoes still available??? If so, how late can I pick them up? It’s going to be about a 25 minute drive for me, so I need to plan accordingly.

Also, is the colored egg optional? I’m worried that it will stain the surrounding mashed potatoes by the time I get them home.

– Kenneth O.

He replied…

no it will be fine its in a pie crust aluminum pan no worries. you can pick up any time just call before xxx-xxx-xxxx

I wrote back…

You caught me just in time, I was about to make some instant mashed Ps!

I guess if you say the egg situation is under control that’s good enough for me. About this aluminum pan though….. would I have to return it? If so, would mailing it be an option?

I want to also say I think it’s admirable that you are only giving these mashed potatoes to those of us who believe in the Lord! 🙂 I mean, do non-believers even deserve to eat (ha ha ha ha).

Thanks,
Kenneth

He said…

yes they can eat too, but with living in sin wont help them. ha ha ha. no you do not need to return the pan. enjoy, it will be a delite. someone on cl asked for the reciepe they got it.

A few hours later I wrote…

Darn it! I accidentally fell asleep on the floor (of all the crazy places) so I guess I blew my chance at eating delicious mashed potatoes tonight. I have that post-nap feeling, and to be honest, I don’t even know if I’m going to eat at all tonight. Will probably just watch some Raymond and hit the hay.

You can say that again about living in sin! HA!!!!!! LOL. I don’t mind if sinners eat, as long as it’s not MY mashed potatoes!

But seriously, since tomorrow is Easter I don’t think I can pick them up until Monday and I’m worried they will be A) already picked up by some other person or B) no longer edible. OH, and what about the EGG?!? Will it go bad before the MPs?

Okee dokee, I’m going to turn in early so I can be up early for mass tomorrow. PLEASE let me know about Monday, my mouth is already fantasizing about these darn potatoes!! HAAAHAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 🙂

God bless on this joyous Easter,
Kenneth

To which he replied…

well if you really want them than i can bring it to you at around 12:30 tomorrow if you live around downers grove. call me and let me know or else im just going to bring it with me to my friends and make them eat it anyway. ha ha ha. xxx-xxx-xxxx before 10:00 please.

The next morning (Easter Sunday) I emailed…

Would you believe I actually had a dream about your mashed potatoes last night??? In this dream I met you in a parking lot to pick up the MPs but the problem was that, for some silly reason, I rode my bike. To further complicate things, you brought so many mashies that they filled a giant, dirty cardboard box. I was like “how am I supposed to carry all these mashed potatoes home on my bike?” Plus I was wondering what kind of a crazy person would put delicious mashed potatoes in a darn cardboard box!!!! I woke up about this time so sadly I will never know if I managed to get the box of MPs home. DREAMS!

I don’t think I can make 12:30 work today so I fear this is the end of the road for me and your mashed potatoes 🙁 I guess you will have to force-feed them to your crazy friends HAHAAAAHAHAHAHA! I hope they appreciate them, it doesn’t sound like they fully do. Thank you for offering to bring them to me, you are truly a kind Christian and the Lord will take special notice of you on you this day (even though Easter is his busy season – HAHAHAAAAAAAAA).

Maybe you could email me the recipe of the mashed potatoes and I can give ’em a shot?

Enjoy this blessed Easter Sunday – Praise him!
Kenneth

I have not heard back but I am hopeful “Kenneth” will soon have that delicious mashed potato recipe in his hands! You will be the first to know if/when the mashed potato believer writes again.

God bless you sinners.

Not only is MY birthday ruined, I’m sure Corey Feldman is having a pretty shitty day too. This is one of your all time boners, God!

True story… I was in a movie with Corey Haim and spent the better part of a day with him. It was the most beautiful day of my life. What is it going to take for God to kill Guy Fieri and leave the good ones alone?!? God is a douchebag.

If you have never seen Corey Haim’s self-produced video “Me, Myself and I” I suggest you find a copy and spend the day in bed watching it. Unfortunately, it looks like that is how I will be spending my birthday.

Throw it to Lucas, in heaven.

It’s bad enough being told to “dream” by some piece of shit hanging on your wall, but when you cheerfully ask me to let God’s love climb inside me and do something blah blah blah at the end of your email, it fills me with a form of rage yet to be described by the English language.

I just want to know why you haven’t shipped my Ninja swords yet, I don’t need your dime store Obi-Wan Kenobi bullshit at the end of your email. When a person is sitting at home waiting for their fucking Ninja swords to arrive so that he might protect himself from rival Ninjas in the neighborhood, do you really think he wants to be told “When you believe in yourself the possibilities are endless?” NO! I WANT MY SWORDS!

Why is it that the more horrible and pathetic your shitty life is the more you believe in crappy inspirational nonsense? Do you think Donald Trump ends his emails with “Faith is daring the soul to go beyond what the eyes can see?” Of course not, and we all know Donald Trump is the most powerful, rich, awesome, charismatic, classy man in the universe. We should be so lucky! You think Donald Trump has to lock himself in the house for two weeks while he waits for his swords to arrive? Are you kidding? That man gets his swords flown to him on a private jet directly from Chinese Ninja training camps.

And PLEASE stop telling me to have a “blessed day.” I don’t want a blessed day, I simply want my swords.