You just made my list!

How the fuck did I ever figure out whether or not my beer was cold before the world’s smartest scientists at Coors figured out how to make the box tell me? Hey box, if you’re so smart why don’t you tell me why my parents got divorced?

I’m wondering if people who drink Coors Light might be mildly retarded because Coors finds it necessary to constantly invent space-age cans, bottles and boxes that attempt to explain the difference between cold and not cold to their customers.

Some of you elitists out there are probably using your East Coast liberal voice to say, “Can’t you just touch the can to see if it’s cold?” Oh yeah? Why don’t you get back on your polo horse Spencer, because the working man ain’t got no time to be touching no bottles and cans all day long. Real men are too busy chopping trees the fuck down and hauling them behind their pick-ups with chains to waste time checking the temperature of every beer they encounter. Even if they WANTED to check the temperature of a Coors Light it would be impossible thanks to their leathery man hands.

Wait, I just realized I have no idea if Coors Light is a “working-class” beer or not. Maybe it’s the kind of beer college guys in puka shell necklaces drink? Perhaps it’s the beer you are most likely to see spewing from the mouth of a 38-year-old woman in the parking lot during her 20th high school reunion as Phil Collins’ “Another Day In Paradise” can quietly be heard from inside the Holiday Inn? I have no clue because I literally don’t think I have ever seen a single person drink a Coors or Coors Light.

Isn’t it funny how, like, women want to, like, shop and get married but guys, like, totally just want to watch sports and drink beer?

Finally, a way to end that nightmare known as walking.

Remember when this shit was first introduced to the world? It was supposed to “revolutionize” EVERYTHING and soon we would all be trading in our Adidas for robot feet. All they revolutionized was the ability of mall cops to become even more round… round and fast, like boulders. Thank God Segways cost approximately 50 million dollars because I don’t want to imagine what this country would look like if we found a way to be even less active.

A Segway makes a recumbent bike look like a Harley strapped to an angry mastodon that shoots Motörhead songs and kegs of beer out of its hairy butthole.

The first step to riding a Segway is to fight the urge to over-correct and over-react. The second step is to keep your hands on the handlebars even though you will feel your penis and balls shriveling up and falling off. You will want to reach down and try to save them but forget about it Dennis, they’re gone and there’s nothing you can do about it. Just enjoy the rest of your “walking” tour of St. Louis, you will have plenty of time to get used to your new vagina when the ride is over.

Hey, want to see George Bush fall off a Segway? There’s no punchline… here you go.

I was all set to write about something else when fate directed me to this bullshit. All of these inventions aim to do the same thing… make you look like a dick while the rest of the world is being awesome.

OrbitWheel
What do you get when you cross a skateboard with inline skates? A fucking shitty skateboard. If you ever dreamed of ripping your crotch in two the OrbitWheel is your best bet!

AquaSkipper
Maybe you would rather look like an asshole on water. Great, just climb aboard your AquaSkipper and start humping!

“Walk On Water Shoes”
Perhaps you love the water but the AquaSkipper is just a little too extreme for you. Well I would suggest stripping down to your underwear, strapping on your water shoes and going for a nice walk on the ocean.

Swerver Ultimate Carving Streetboard
A skateboard cracked in half? Sure, why not.

Magic Wheel
Let’s see… if there was just a way to combine the nerdiness of a unicycle with the outrageous fun of a wheel chair… hmmmmm… and if you could put it dangerously close to my balls that would be perfect.

I was sitting at my desk tonight, working on the computer when all of a sudden – total darkness. I’m not going to lie, it was creepy for a minute. Luckily I have the “flashlight” application on my iPhone which simply turns the screen white, providing just enough light to get around. I got some candles and sat in the cold darkness (no heat without power) for 2 hours like an Amish dude.

You really take things like electricity for granted until it’s gone. I could not do anything. I could not even get my car out of the garage. Well, if I wasn’t too lazy to manually pull up the door I could have gotten my car out but what am I, Amish?

I realized that I have not sat in a quiet room doing nothing for… I don’t know, ever? It kind of made me feel dumb that something so simple was completely throwing my night into a tailspin.

This was a boring post but keep in mind I have just been through a traumatic disaster!

I actually kind of feel sorry for the poor idiot whose job it is to “invent” new toothbrushes. Some guy who got a Masters in engineering and dreamed that one day he would change the world while working with an elite team of scientists in a C.S.I. style lab in Switzerland is in reality hopping in his PT Cruiser every morning to work in a basement lab in Dayton to “reinvent” the toothbrush every 6 months. This poor son of a bitch comes home every night to cold leftover Olive Garden, a wife dressed head to toe in bedazzled denim and a son who may or may not be worshipping the devil. He works 10 hours a day under buzzing fluorescent lights just to rearrange some bristles on an invention that was pretty much figured out in the 1800s. I mean, it’s a fucking brush. God, I just want to give this guy a hug!

I can’t even find a normal toothbrush at the pharmacy any more. I just want the classic colorful plastic handle with clear, straight bristles but all of the brushes on the market look more like sex toys than something you want to stick on your mouth.

The first person who can tell me where to buy/order the classic toothbrush will win this Jesus Puzzle.