I know I already wrote some brilliant prose about pimp costumes today but I can no longer bite my tongue on the subject of Balloon Boy and his fucked up family. I wasn’t going to write about them because honestly there is nothing I could say that you have not already thought yourself. But now that I have seen the Henne family rap song I want the entire family tossed in jail.
Check out the Henne brothers rapping about pussification, shitting, farting, pissing and “Faggots.” What a classy family.
When did every kid become allergic to everything? When I was a kid growing up in the 70’s, I don’t remember ever being asked if I was allergic to nuts, or anything else, before being handed a cookie by a friend’s mom. In fact, that cookie was probably presented to me with a big cloud of cigarette smoke blown in my face. “Here are some cookies kids, now go outside and play with some fire or something, mommy needs a nap.”
I never even HEARD of a nut allergy until the 90s! All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I’m being told a tiny whiff of peanut air can literally kill some kids. Not just some kids, it seems like every kid has some sort of food allergy now. I don’t want to live in a world where children have to fear a delicious PB&J samich. My biggest fear as a child was that disco might one day ruin the band Kiss… WHICH IT DID! Later, in Jr. High, my biggest fear was my penis becoming erect in class… WHICH IT DID!
This is not a rant against the kids who happen to have nut allergies, rather it’s about how fucked up and complicated it is to be a kid now. For the most part, I think parents today make life for their kids way too complicated, but then there’s weird shit like nut allergies and autism that seem to be all the rage now. Man, I feel so lucky to have grown up in a time where my biggest concern was memorizing the pattern to every Pac-Man screen… WHICH I DID!
Remember the good old days when kids’ opinions were meaningless? I miss the days when a child sharing his opinion would result in a beer can to the head. OK, I don’t actually think you should throw beer at children. It’s obviously wrong to beat a child and it’s even worse to waste beer.
Believe it or not, I actually really like kids. I think a lot of children are totally awesome, and in many ways, I relate to them more than I do my fellow adults. HOWEVER, that does not mean I need to hear their opinions about the latest crappy crap that some movie studio crapped out of their craphole.
Here’s my problem with this concept. Have you ever heard a “real” kid NOT like a movie? They fucking love everything as long as it’s not too scary or boring. What KidsPickFlicks.com does though is give these brats an inflated sense of themselves and suddenly Kung Fu Panda lacks adequate character development. I actually have another problem with this website. Take a look at the reviews and tell me they were really written by children. It’s obvious adults have their hands in the mix. I actually think a website of real kids reviewing movies in their own words without editing would be fun to read.
We get it, your kid is awesome. Your kid is the best at everything and the rest of us should pull to the right when we see you on the road so that you may pass unfettered. We should all bow our heads in shame, and if we are unlucky enough to be in the car with our own worthless children, we should look them right in their stupid eyes and say, “Why can’t you be more like that kid? You really do suck, do you know that? Now get that beef jerky out of your nose before I drive this minivan into the nearest lake.”
And guess what? I also don’t care that your Golden Retriever is smarter than that lady’s honor student. First of all, I doubt that is true, I mean how would you even test such a thing? Sure, your dog is smarter than my dumbass kid, but how can we know for sure that it’s smarter than an honor student at Ben Franklin Elementary? We simply can’t.
These over-achievers really bug the shit out of me. While every other kid their age is setting crap on fire, falling out of trees, jumping their bikes over each other and generally being awesome, these tiny students are sitting alone in their rooms studying astrophysics and generally being lame. They are wasting their childhood AND their college years in one fell swoop.
Have you ever seen these turds interviewed? They are almost always little condescending shits that are practically begging to have their underwear pulled over their heads.
Whatever, I’m sure they will all end up rich. I’m not jealous, look at me, I never graduated college and I’m a prestigious blogger!
This is one of those subjects that fills me with so much rage that I’m not convinced I can make it through without punching my computer in the face. It does not help that it’s past midnight and I am tired from drinking.
OK, I know you have seen, or at least heard of, Mtv’s Cribs. Well now they have a new version called “Teen Cribs” that makes me want to dig a hole and bury myself alive. You might think from the title that this program visits the homes of famous teenagers like the Jonas Brothers and shows how awesome they are and how bad you suck. Believe it or not, it’s actually much worse. Teen Cribs goes to the homes of rich families who happen to have teen children. Are you following me? These are just a bunch of random rich asshole teenagers! They are not famous and they have literally achieved nothing more than being lucky enough to fall out of the vagina of a rich woman.
Who the fucking fuck wants to watch some spoiled fuck with unruly hair take you on a tour of their parent’s mansion? No wonder this country is about to implode!
Just how badly do these parents want their daughters to be strippers, sluts, bitches, bimbos and/or whores? It is scientifically proven that the most likely way to see your daughter flash her dumb tits on a Girls Gone Wild commercial is to allow her to watch Bratz or play with Bratz dolls. On a side note, I wish I could be there to witness some dad sitting alone in the family room late at night as he gets a boner watching a Girls Gone Wild commercial when all of a sudden, WHAM, his daughter appears on the screen! That has got to be one of the greatest moments in the history of mankind. I mean not for him but for the rest of us.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, if you let your daughter watch Bratz you are a bad parent and your kid is going to be a trashy whore. That is all.
