Tag Archive 'teenagers'

Feb 24 2011

Rick Bayless, his daughter Lanie and their creepy flirting with each other!

rick bayless acting creepy with his daughter lanie

Shivers.

OK, before Rick Bayless tries to sue me, let me CLEARLY state, I DO NOT think there is anything sexual or technically inappropriate between Rick and his daughter Lanie… however let me also CLEARLY go on record and say ewww.

I mean come on Rick, you are obviously unable to see what everyone else sees. These two giggle and flirt back and forth worse than Jerry Seinfeld and Sheila on the “Shmoopy” episode. You hang up first. No, you hang up first. No, YOU hang up first. It’s creepy.

What’s that, you don’t agree? Well try this one on for size… there is an episode of Chef Bayless’ program “Mexico – One Plate at Time” where he decides to dig a fire pit in his yard while Lanie yucks it up inside, pretending to know what the fuck she’s talking about. Rick strips down to his wife beater (a woman’s wife beater, not the cool ‘Raging Bull’ kind) and gets all sweaty shoveling in the dirt. It’s borderline gay porn. Meanwhile, Lanie is blabbing on about some bullshit in the kitchen and actually says “Speaking of hot, let’s see how my dad is doing.”

[the link has been found – 9:25 into this clip – It’s 100 times creepier than I remembered!]

Take a moment to re-swallow your vomit.

Let’s take the whole father/daughter sexual tension horribleness out of the equation and talk about the other thing wrong with this picture. Why the fuck am I listening to a 13-year-old tell me how to make salsa? You know what Lanie, thanks but I think I can take it from here. Aren’t you missing a therapist appointment or something?

201 responses so far

Dec 17 2010

Kidz Bop!

kidz bop

Is it wrong to want to hurt children?

Am I a bad person for fantasizing about punching these tiny turds (girls included) square in the face? It seems like maybe that’s wrong somehow.

The basic premise is “music sung by kids, for kids,” but why? If you want your kids to listen to shitty music why not just let them listen to the original shitty versions? I PROMISE you Train’s version of “Hey Soul Sister” is adequately filled with shit and gains nothing by being performed by shitty theater brats with shit-eating grins on their shitty faces. SHIT! Just think of the sound of all their little teeth hitting the floor.

Here’s an idea… let your kids listen to real music! This is your opportunity as a parent to cram some good taste down their throats. Kids, or kidz, can comprehend and enjoy music sung by adults. Listening to Kidz Bop is like taking your child to a 9-year-old dentist.

On a side note, while researching Kidz Bop (PAINFUL) I discovered these hair-dos. Maybe they are famous? Stereo Skyline, anyone? I am speechless.

stereo skyline naked nude

15 responses so far

Sep 30 2010

Juggalos!

juggalos tits boobs flashing ICP

10 easy steps to becoming a Juggalo:

1. Be white. The whiter the better. Try to be almost clear if possible.

2. Be drunk and/or high at least 65% of any given day.

3. Be so incredibly stupid that when you aren’t drunk and/or high it’s impossible to tell the difference.

4. Be poor.

5. Be shaped like a beanbag chair. Alternatively, be shockingly skinny from crystal meth abuse.

6. Have lots of free time. Don’t let bullshit like school or a job get in the way of your Juggalo activities. That fat face isn’t going to paint itself.

7. Love to braid your hair.

8. Have crooked hands. I don’t know what it is but anytime I see a photo of a Juggalo their hands and fingers are all twisted up. I wonder if this is caused by a steady diet of Faygo, off-brand beef sticks and video games.

9. Be in a wheelchair. Juggalos in wheelchairs get extra bonus points!

10. Be amazed and perplexed by magnets.

Gallery of parental failure:

“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?”

102 responses so far

Jul 28 2010

Hipster ironic 80s eye wear!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

A couple weeks ago I attended the ultra-hip Pitchfork Music Festival. When I walked in the front gate, I thought I had possibly just passed through some sort of Michael J. Fox time portal to 1986. I was thinking, “Shit, have the past 25 years been a dream? Am I still in high school? Am I a virgin again?” Luckily I was still in 2010 and it was simply thousands of unoriginal, uninspired ironic hipsters walking around looking like extras on a John Hughes movie.

There are too many details to write about when it comes to these hipster turds, so I will focus on two unfortunate fashion trends that I thought I would never have to suffer through again.

Two-tone Ray Ban sunglasses!

hipster ray ban sunglasses

Life’s a beach, right guys? These glasses were dumb in the 80s and they are even dumber now. If memory serves me, this style of sunglasses was never actually cool in the 80s. They were usually cheap promo items with some company name stamped on the side, like “Newport” cigarettes or “Pert Plus” shampoo. Maybe that’s why they are cool now because they are anti-cool? I can’t tell anymore. All I know is that your funny, ironic sunglasses suck and you smell like Pert Plus.

Girls with giant glasses!

hipster girls big glasses

This is a new trend in female hipsterdom that is concerning to me, I call them “Mary Gross Girls.” With this phenomenon we see frumpy girls working their hardest to take their frumpiness to new heights in an attempt to make us think their frumpiness is totally on purpose. “I’m actually super sexy under these culotte shorts that accentuate my incredibly smooth mom-ish FUPA. This mess is all on purpose!” Oh yeah, and they wear giant mathlete glasses, blah blah blah.

Hipsters are boring, just like this post.

29 responses so far

May 18 2010

NewSeat disposable seat covers!

NewSeat.com seat covers

Have you ever gone to a wedding and thought, “This reception is beautiful. The room is lovely, the flowers are spectacular, the china is immaculate but there is no fucking way I’m sitting on that chair without first covering it with a giant garbage bag! I don’t give a shit if the bride and groom take offense to it, I REFUSE to sit on that chair without putting a giant condom on it first.”

Well guess what psycho? You are in luck thanks to the ridiculous NewSeat!

NewSeat is a single-use chair cover for people who want to tell the world “I’m here. I’m crazy. Get used to it.” You think I’m kidding about the wedding scenario? According to NewSeat.com a wedding is just one of the perfectly normal places to use their chair cover. You can also look normal while using your NewSeat at seminars, conferences and “live stage performances.” Nothing makes you look more normal at a business seminar than refusing to let your fully clothed body touch a chair.

You may not know this but chair-related deaths are up 300% since 2005. I’m sure we all know someone who is battling an illness picked up from sitting on a chair. Just last week I participated in “Sit for a Cure” and I can only assume many of you did as well. GOD DAMN YOU CHAIRS! Sorry, I just get really emotional because in the last two years I have lost three family members to chair illnesses.

Another suggested use for the NewSeat is on an airplane. Hey great idea! I always found airplane seats to be a little too comfortable and often thought my six hour plane ride could be made better if I was sitting on an impervious sheet of plastic.

If there’s one thing I know about teenagers it’s that they LOVE to stand out and look different from their friends. They NEVER want to simply blend in and look like each other. Luckily for them NewSeat works for kids too! I can’t think of a single better way to get in with the popular crowd than to cover your chair at the movie theater with a tarp before sitting in it. When the other teens see you setting up for a hazardous material spill before watching Hot Tub Time Machine they will surely make a mental note to put YOUR name down for prom queen.

While the rest of the world cries and moans about “going green,” NewSeat has the balls to say “Fuck you environment, I’m covering every chair I sit on with a giant piece of plastic and then I’m just going to fucking leave it there when I’m done. What are you going do about it? Nothing, just like I thought.”

The next time you go to a movie theater built in 1910, bring a NewSeat!

Whatever! Like, I’m totally not sitting on that chair, it’s like gross-out city to the max. LOL. LMAO. BFF. WTF?

23 responses so far

Apr 21 2010

The music played at my gym, especially “Marco Polo” by Bow Wow featuring Soulja Boy!!!!!!!!!

bow wow marco polo

You hear that sound? That’s the sound of me sawing my own ears off with a steak knife.

Apparently the douchebags from Jersey Shore are programming the music in my gym now. I already despise working out but the constant assault of drum machines, auto-tuned vocals and the explanation of one’s monetary worth has taken my hatred of the gym to a new level. Look, I just want to blast my triceps in peace, if I wanted to see a bunch of guys holding their dicks I would go into the locker room. By the way, why do the guys with the worst bodies spend the most time walking around nude in the locker room?

Maybe I’m getting old (and whiter) but I literally can’t comprehend that this is considered music. And congrats on fitting every rap video stereotype, with the exception of jizzing Champagne on some fat asses, into this 4:57 torture video. Can someone buy these rappers a fucking tripod, I’m tired of watching them rap at me from the perspective of an ant.

I sound like Wilford Brimley and I think I like it.

15 responses so far

Apr 16 2010

Hey guys, have a great weekend.

Can someone please tell me who the fuck the “Beauty Gurus” are and why I want to kick them all in the teeth?

5 responses so far

Apr 02 2010

Your shit car and your even shittier spoiler!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

bad douchebag car spoiler

Here’s a spoiler… you’re a dick.

I wouldn’t have even noticed how shitty your car was if you didn’t stick that ridiculous spoiler on the trunk of your mom’s car, but now it’s all I can think about. Well, I’m also possessed with the thought of forcing you off the road and watching your car roll over five times, fully engulfed in flames. Oh, that’s right, your car CAN’T roll over thanks to that $30 spoiler forcing your 1996 Honda Civic to grip the road like a Formula-1 race car! You win this one Brad.

Thank God that “wing” of yours is keeping your car on the road as you race through the streets of Beaver’s Knob, Wisconsin on your way to work at Bed Bath & Beyond. Oh Brad, I also wanted to let you know, that fat tailpipe you installed doesn’t make your car sound at all like a moped. On the contrary B Dawg, that crazy thing makes you sound like a fucking jet fighter.

Honestly Brad, when you zoom past me in your space ship car that sounds like a cordless drill, my Dockers get a little tight.

24 responses so far

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