Tag Archive 'weather'

Nov 22 2010

Winter in Chicago!

Published by under Jerks

winter sky chicago, midwest winter

You see this shit?

This is an actual photo of the asshole sky that hung over my head all day today in Chicago. What’s the big deal, every place on Earth has gray (is it gray or grey) days, cheer up little fella. Right? Fuck you, you weather-know-it-all-jerk because this is the sky I have seen for the last 2 weeks and will continue to see for the next 5 months. If it were legal I would pay someone to keep me in a controlled coma for the next 5 months.

If the dark skies don’t convince you to drop a toaster in the bath the unholy wind blasting through your soul like dentist drill will. I am not exaggerating when I say that the winter wind in Chicago has made me cry… as an adult.

But then big beautiful snowflakes the size of cotton balls gently wiggle their way down from the inky night sky and every tree branch looks like it has been covered in whipped cream and mayonnaise by Paula Dean. The snow absorbs all the usual city noise and it sounds like you are hiding under a blanket. Charming. WRONG because the next day you wake up to your street littered with folding chairs and miscellaneous garbage placed by your fucking, dipshit, asshole, white trash, cocksucker, fuckwad, idiotic, selfish neighbors who believe they can save “their” parking spot for THE ENTIRE WINTER. This might honestly be the thing I despise most in life.

CHicago saving winter parking spots with chairs

Fuck you winter.

47 responses so far

Jul 08 2010

Canadian rock bands who are afraid of rain!

retro rush 1970s

What’s wrong Rush, afraid of a little rain? What’s the deal Geddy, didn’t want the moist air to wreck your beautiful hair? Pussholes!

Thanks for making me drive through Chicago rush (hey!) hour traffic, park, take a shuttle filled with inconceivable body odor, stand outside in the rain for an hour and buy (and drink) an $11 Bud Light just so you can cancel the concert. I drank a God Damn Bud Light for you fucking hosers!

Then you have the unbelievable nerve, the unmitigated gall, to reschedule the concert on 9/11. Take off, eh! It’s official, Rush hates America.

Oh, and you owe my friend an umbrella to replace the one the cock-licking cock-ass venue security confiscated.

And once again, fuck you Chicago weather!

19 responses so far

Jun 25 2010

Chicago weather!

Published by under Why?!?

chicago weather sucks

I just got my internet connection back, it’s late and I’m tired so this one will suck.

You know what else sucks? The weather in the Midwest! Take a look at that forecast, that’s what we’ve seen every day this summer. Thanks for another awesome weekend God.

Let me run down the seasons in Chicago for you…

Spring – Spring lasts about 4 minutes in Chicago, A housefly lives longer than our pathetic spring.
Summer – Three months of hot, humid, stormy bullshit peppered with the sound of every rap song ever written playing simultaneously from every car window in the city. Each summer we have a stretch that is so hot our elderly population begins to drop dead and the moon turns orange. Orange!
Fall – Admittedly fall is a nice season but it’s impossible to enjoy because it’s just foreplay for the horrible winter that is about to fuck you.
Winter – Have you ever experienced wind that is so cold it makes you cry? I don’t mean that your eyes simply water, I am talking about actual crying, crying and begging for death. Oh yeah, and it lasts approximately 16 months.

I would estimate that we have about 5 actual nice days each year. How’s a bro supposed to get his Frisbee golf on?

Goodnight, I’m the worst writer in the world. I will try to make next week better but I can’t promise anything.

46 responses so far

Dec 08 2009

Wearing a coat in the car!

Published by under Why?!?

seinfeld george puffy coat

One of the perks of living in Chicago is our shitty weather. I would estimate that we get about 4 nice days a year. Spring lasts about 15 minutes. Summer is so hot and humid that it regularly kills the elderly. Our fall is basically the 2-hour period between 90-degree heat and 30-degree bullshit. Accordingly, it’s already freezing and snowy here, with a “major” snow storm on the way. Now is the time for all the old-school Chicagoans to start saving public street parking spots with chairs and piles of garbage. It’s a wonder Chicago came in dead last for the 2016 Olympics!

What was I talking about? I should be able to look up at the top of my screen to see my post title, but this new iMac monitor is so fucking huge I have to climb one of those library ladders to see the top of the screen. Boy I’m cranky today!

ANYWAY… I had to break out the giant winter coat today and I’m already suicidal about it. Sure, I could continue wearing my smaller, more aesthetically pleasing coat if I want to freeze my balls off, but I need my balls if I’m ever going to fulfill my dream of putting them on Guy Fieri’s face. So my only option is to wear one of those giant coats with a furry hood and 300 pockets. You know the style, rappers like wear them in the middle of summer. Sure, it’s a warm coat, but climbing into a car while wearing it is like trying to stuff yourself back into your mother’s vagina. Cramming your puffy ass into the car only causes your coat to twist, fold and seemingly grow 5 sizes, so getting the seat belt on is impossible, but no worries, you are literally wearing the equivalent of 8 airbags.

To sum it up… why do I bother getting out of bed?

18 responses so far

Jul 24 2009

This lady and her stupid sun visor!

windshield sun visor

A wave of panic just came over me because I realized this post is going to SUCK!

While I sat alone in my car eating dark chocolate Hersey’s Kisses this afternoon (yeah, it’s a lonely life) I watched this lady struggle for about 4 minutes with her windshield sun visor. It would go up, wiggle around a little, then come back down. I watched this happen for about 1/2 a bag of Kisses. For the record, I go to the gym a few times a week, so I’m fucking allowed to eat a bag of chocolate by myself in a parking lot if I want. What makes your life so perfect? Huh? Huh? You want a piece of me?*

Anyhoo… this dipshit probably spent more time setting up this visor then than she spent in the drug store picking up adult diapers and a box of Shamwows. Hey, I just thought of something… Shamwow Diapers!

What is the point of this? The point is, it wasn’t even hot today!

God, this is a dumb post. I promise after a little weekend rest I will stop sucking so much.

*Said while pulling off shirt and spitting dark chocolate

27 responses so far

Apr 29 2009

Cold air from Canada!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

weather map

Hey Canada, I’m trying to have a little spring here, you wanna stop blowing your bullshit cold air in my face so I can enjoy the few months of warm weather we get in Chicago?

What’s the deal? Is this payback for George W. Bush? Limp Bizkit? Carrot Top? We are super fucking sorry about all that but enough is enough, Canada. I just want to pull my grill out of the garage and sit on my patio without a jacket. I want to feel the warmth of the sun on my face while I clean my guns, watch NASCAR and not read the newspaper. Hey, I’m American!

Look Canada, you have to choose. Either you continue to send us all your comedians or you blow your stupid cold air all over us, but you do not get to do both. You’re supposed to be “America’s hat” not America’s cold air machine that makes cold air and blows cold air… shut up, you know what I mean! I’m too cold to think clearly!

18 responses so far

Jan 23 2009

Driving on a sunny winter day!

Published by under Why?!?

winter in chicago

For those of you who are smart enough to live in a place without winter, look at the fun you are missing! I took this photo out of my front windshield yesterday. Looks a little bit like trying to drive on the surface of the sun doesn’t it?

You see, when it’s really cold the sky often becomes very clear making the sun brighter than you might be used to. Add in white snow everywhere, white salt stains and wet icy roads and guess what pal, you’re fucking blind! The icing on the shitty cake is that your windshield is perpetually dusted with salt and dried slush so when the sun hits it it’s like trying to see through a white bed sheet.

GOD I LOVE WINTER! I hope it never ends!

17 responses so far

Dec 30 2008



Much like dropping my keys, an irrational rush of anger fills my body when it’s windy. I HATE WIND!

I once heard about a small community of settlers in the west who went insane because the wind never stopped blowing. I tried to find information on this but couldn’t. Well, by try I mean I googled “wind makes settlers crazy” and when the top result was not what I was looking for I gave up. I’m sure it’s true though.

*My friend and editor of this blog (yes, I need an editor) found it here.

It’s like God is teasing you and trying to fuck with your mind. I’m sure he had a big ‘ol laugh while those pioneers were running around pulling their hair out and watching that hair blow away. God is mean.

Fuck you wind.

35 responses so far