You just made my list!

Yes, once again I have failed you. I had a long, busy weekend and simply had to choose between watching “Undercover Boss” or writing more bullshit about bullshit. Luckily I chose Undercover Boss because now I know the secret code for poop floating in a pool… AFR (Accidental Fecal Release). Who needs school when you have the TV machine to teach you everything you need to know.

Unofficially this post is about a link my friend who lives in the Stockton California area sent me. Good fucking lord, what the hell is going on in California? I can barely remember the last time I punched someone in the face for eating the last pork chop or burned my mother’s deceased body in the backyard BBQ pit.

So sit back and enjoy some of the scariest mugshots you will ever see. Don’t forget to read about their charming crimes too!

Oh, and fuck you Monday, I hate you.

10 easy steps to becoming a Juggalo:

1. Be white. The whiter the better. Try to be almost clear if possible.

2. Be drunk and/or high at least 65% of any given day.

3. Be so incredibly stupid that when you aren’t drunk and/or high it’s impossible to tell the difference.

4. Be poor.

5. Be shaped like a beanbag chair. Alternatively, be shockingly skinny from crystal meth abuse.

6. Have lots of free time. Don’t let bullshit like school or a job get in the way of your Juggalo activities. That fat face isn’t going to paint itself.

7. Love to braid your hair.

8. Have crooked hands. I don’t know what it is but anytime I see a photo of a Juggalo their hands and fingers are all twisted up. I wonder if this is caused by a steady diet of Faygo, off-brand beef sticks and video games.

9. Be in a wheelchair. Juggalos in wheelchairs get extra bonus points!

10. Be amazed and perplexed by magnets.

Gallery of parental failure:

“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?”

You squeeze. You smash. You stomp. You use a hammer, but still you can’t manage the simple task of applying toothpaste to your brush!

There has got to be a less-reasonable way!

Your pathetic dumb ass is in luck. Introducing Touch-N-Brush, the magic toothpaste machine that does all the work while you do nothing more complicated than sticking something into something. It’s so easy even an idiot like you can get the hang of it after only 30 or 40 tries.

Thanks to your new toothpaste robot, you will never have to clean the bathroom again! Sticky bathroom sinks are a thing of the past, unless you have a teenage son, because I promise you that kid is jerking off in that sink at least twice a week. Probably the kitchen sink too. What is wrong with that kid?

Did your husband throw you down the stairs for walking in front of the TV during Monday Night Football? No problem pretty lady, you can still use Touch-N-Brush with only one arm. One fucking arm! Can you fucking believe that shit?

Are your kids also too stupid to operate toothpaste? Fuck ’em, who cares about those little shits. If it wasn’t for them you would probably be the world’s most awesome and cool and most richest rock star. Those kids stole your dream, Steve, so let their little mouths bleed.

“But what if I accidentally put rat poison in my Touch-N-Brush, will the dang thing kill me and my family?” Yes, yes it will.

First of all, fight the urge to tell me this hairdo is actually called “skunk hair” because I call it “panda hair” and I run the internet.

These black and white dye jobs can usually be found at the mall or Eastern European nightclubs and are most likely accompanied by orange skin, fake designer sunglasses and a yeast infection.

Owners of this hair would defend themselves by saying something like…

FUK U
MA HAIR IZ DA SHIT
AN U R
JUS JELUS BITCH
<3 MUAH <3

While this a valid argument I’m going to go ahead and respectfully disagree.

Unless you make a living shooting 80s porn in your home or hope to one day rent your house out to Chris Hansen’s cock-block-a-thon “To Catch A Predator” series, I would suggest avoiding vertical blinds. They only lead to bad things.

Sure, passing through vertical blinds is like walking inside a giant tickley mustache, and who doesn’t love that? And yes, it’s really awesome the way they gently knock everything off your plate as you attempt to navigate your way through them at your family reunion, but is that enough? IS IT?

Vertical blinds are like elderly security guards, they sort of get the job done but ultimately just end up making everyone sad who has to be in their presence.

You know what would be like so cool and like totally show like how poetic and deep my photography is? Totally imagine this, it’s like a black and white image but like there are roses that are like totally still red? Yeah yeah yeah, I know, right? It’s like the world is ugly and like dying but like the beauty of the rose lives on? It’s like the innocence of children but like also dangerous because of the thorns? Also like vampires and Wicca and like blood but like beautiful and timeless and delicate but also totally strong? You know? It’s like I’m the single red rose and my parents are the desolate world trying to like totally make me wilt but I’m too bold and bright to be like… ignored?

Gallery of shit

Merry Christmas, can someone turn up the air conditioning?

I realize the NASCAR season eats up a lot of your time and now that Cheaters is on twice a day it’s hard find a free moment but maybe it’s time to put your snowman and candy canes away. Either that or just burn your house down. Just burn it to the ground and walk away.

I recently read that a house with Christmas lights dangling from its sad gutters in August has a 36% chance of containing a fully-clothed corpse sitting in a chair and is four times more likely to have at least one bathtub that is used as a toilet. I think it was in Newsweek or possibly The Economist.

Well, the end of the world is officially upon us, this guy is on a hit TV show.

Not only is there one “reality” show about the incredible action that takes place at the pawn shop, there is now a second show on its way to that TV of yours that one day, if you are lucky, you will be pawning on a TV show about pawn shops. The circle of life.

The first show to break the pawn cherry was “Pawn Stars” on the History channel. Wait, did I just say the History Channel? I must have accidentally said the History Channel because clearly there is no room to squeeze such a mindless show into their full lineup of Hitler-related entertainment. I mean, come ON, it’s a show about people selling their crap to buy drugs, how can it be on the History Channel?

Can’t get enough of people hocking watches and bowling balls? You are in luck because TruTV (whatever the fuck that is) is about to shove “Hardcore Pawn” down your various head holes. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see people argue over the value of uncle Eddie’s class ring!

By the way, see what they did there? Both shows had the incredibly hilarious idea to exchange the word “porn” for “pawn.” HOLY SHIT, that is rich! Now, I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, just a little brainstorming… I’m thinking Nickelodeon needs to immediately start developing “Kiddie Pawn” if they want to ride this amazing pawn wave all the way to the bank. Don’t be the only channel without a pawn shop show, Nickelodeon!

I give up.