You just made my list!

I think I’m going to be moving this entire site to a new host. This will either be the most awesome thing I have ever done, or the last time anyone sees the site. I suggest you all get your cameras out and take photos of your favorite posts, because it might be your only memory of You Just Made My List. So please bear with me over the next few days while I systematically destroy all my hard work.

Fuck everything!

If I have to hear one more thing about these two drug-filled, incestuous, creepy turds fucking each other, I’m going to punch YOU in the face. I might even punch myself in the face. When I first learned that Mackenzie Phillips and her dad had consensual sex for 10 years, including the night before her wedding, I shit my pants, put on a new pair of pants and shit those pants. Isn’t it bad luck to fuck your dad the night before your wedding? I thought I read that in Brides Magazine. I don’t want to hear another word about it, I’m trying to eat here!

I’m currently trying to sell my house in the middle of the worst housing market since magical God created the Earth 6,000 years ago. The funny thing is that not only am I trying to sell my house, I’m also currently watching my entire life crumble to pieces before my very eyes. It has been a joyous year!!!

Needless to say, when my air conditioner decided to ice over and pour water all over my laundry room on the morning of our first realtor open house, I was a tad stressed. It’s not a situation where you want two realtors running around your house like busy ants, rearranging your shit and putting little signs everywhere. They were just doing their jobs, I understand that, but it’s not their job to be my therapist.

They meant well when they told me approximately 300 times to “not worry” and “relax” but it is literally IMPOSSIBLE to relax when you are dealing with the shit I’m dealing with. I’M GOING TO WORRY IF I FEEL LIKE FUCKING WORRYING!

They are perfectly nice people, but telling a stressed person to relax just makes them more stressed.

“Bride down. Trample her! KILL HER!”

I may have to drink about 30 beers to get through this one. There is nothing that would make me act like these cackling hens. These psychos run around like they have flies buzzing around their eyes and some lifesaving U.N. helicopter is hovering above, dropping rice and water. You could fill a room with amazing FREE vintage guitars and I would STILL refuse to scream and claw my way over my fellow man to get one.

Shouldn’t buying a wedding dress be a nice, calm, sweet memory to be shared with your mother and a few close friends? Aren’t you supposed to sip Champagne and talk about your periods? Instead, these idiots put their little matching outfits on (annoying) and go Lord of the Flies all over each other. I don’t care if acting like a plundering pirate saves you a few hundred dollars, nothing is worth demeaning yourself like this.

I’m going to say this at the risk of offending all the women who are reading this, but this clip of the “Running of the Brides” is like an instructional video for how to make a guy’s balls shrink up into his body, forever. I’m just being honest here ladies, it’s shit like this that makes guys occasionally want to be as far away from you as possible. Not YOU personally, I’m talking about these assholes. Just watch the women in the bottom left corner as they selfishly guard their giant pile of dresses like a pack of wolves. CLASSY! Hey, where did my balls go?

Hey cherries, suck my dick! You think you are so awesome just because you taste good in candy form, but guess what jerk, you suck as a fruit. Are you even a fruit? Are you a berry? Is a berry a fruit? See the problems you create?

You sit there so shiny and smug in your bin like you are the Beatles of the produce department, when clearly you are the Coldplay of the the supermarket. The first few seconds of a Coldplay song you think “Hey, is this that Radiohead song I like?” No, no it isn’t, and soon you realize it’s just Coldplay taking another shit in your ears. It’s the same sensation when you bite into a cherry. It looks like a perfect little bite-sized yummy red treat but you forgot about that stupid pit didn’t you? I don’t need to fuck around with no seeds when I’m getting my fruit on. My grandma used to buy grapes with seeds in them and every time I would visit I’d pop some of those suckers in my mouth, only to almost choke to death on those stupid seeds. Come on grandma, get your head in the game!

Cherries don’t even TASTE good.

In summation, cherries are Coldplay, Coldplay sucks, cherries suck and my grandma tried to ruin my childhood by purchasing seeded grapes. Now do you understand how I got this way?

P.S. Oranges are the Beatles of fruit. Pluots are the Pink Floyd of fruit and grapes are the Pixies. Bananas are the Talking Heads and Apples are the Rolling Stones. Grapefruits are Fall Out Boy!

First of all, let’s put an end to the rumor that Megan Fox is SOOOOOO HOT! Megan Fox is pretty, at best. I honestly would not give her a second look if I saw her on the street. Well I might do a double take if I caught a glimpse of those fucking disgusting, stubby toe thumbs. To compare them to toes is actually an insult to toes. I am sorry toes. What the fuck is wrong with her thumbs? If I saw that hand making its way towards my boner I would immediately start making excuses about how I had to get up early because I’m going to prison for murder and I don’t want to be late on my first day.

Forget the thumbs for a second, which I understand is not easy to do, have you heard this dolt speak? She is shockingly dumb. If I were to compare her intelligence and charm to a popular band, I would have to say she is somewhere between The Insane Clown Posse and Creed. Oh, and she’s had sex with “David Silver!” I’m sorry, but any woman who would allow Brian Austin Green’s boner within 10 feet of her body is automatically an idiot.

I managed to use the word “boner” twice in one post. My work here is done, I quit.

Can you please explain to me how this fat face had the highest rated show on late night television?

When I say I don’t understand Jay Leno’s popularity I mean I literally can’t comprehend it in exactly the same way I will never be able to wrap my head around the creation of the universe or the musical stylings of Nickelback. I mean, I can even understand the popularity of Carrot Top! The Top glues a bicycle horn to a toilet seat, gives it a funny name and all of us in the audience shake our heads and think “how does that sum’bitch come up with this stuff?” Then we literally laugh so hard our NASCAR hats fly off our heads on to the Skoal spit covered floor. But Jay Leno? What the fucking fuck?

And while you’re at it Jay, can you stop buying every car and motorcycle on the planet? We get it, you are rich on an inconceivable level and your garage is worth more than the lives of my entire family. You win.

Speaking of Jay Leno and Kanye West… I’m sure most of you have heard the audio of Obama calling Kanye a jackass but it is so worth listening to again. Obama is the God damn man and this is hilarious.

There are two reasons I am going to keep this short.

1) I went out for drinks tonight, it’s late and I feel too lazy and uninspired to write about this dick knuckle.

2) I’m mad that I even know about this Kanye West, Taylor Swift bullshit.

3) I’m mad that I even know Taylor Swift’s name.

4) Some of these are funny and it’s easier to send you there than for me to put effort into my own website.

5) Kanye’s hair looks like a jacket De La Soul would have worn in 1989.

6) #5 makes sense to me, although I realize it will not to anyone else.

7) FUCK MTV!

Goodnight.