You just made my list!

I have nothing against people riding bikes (except these cock holes) and I have nothing against trying to burn less gas by riding a bike BUT if you have ever been hijacked by these assholes you can understand my anger. If you don't know what "Critical Mass" is consider yourself lucky. The last Friday night of every month hundreds of bikers gather and ride through urban areas causing traffic jams with smirks on their ironically mustached faces. They ride in a large group and take great joy in holding up traffic by stopping in busy intersections and riding around in circles. In general it's a parade of assholes that pisses everyone off. It's the typical, misguided, hippie theory of protesting. Make sure EVERYONE hates you at all times! "Hey dudes, like we should teach everyone about how awesome bikes are. I was thinking we could like hold up traffic and make everyone hate the sight of a bicycle and like show people how much gas cars waste by making them waste more gas while we block their yuppie asses. It will be totally sweet and create even more pollution. Now, where's my mustache wax?" Can you tell I was just trapped by these douchebags on Friday? Idiots.

Hey, you know what could make this long line go faster? Listening to you complain about it for 20 minutes! We all feel the same way when we open the door at the post office and see a long line. One of two words is usually whispered at this point, one begins with an F and the other an S. I go with the classic F-word but then I get over it and wait like everyone else. But there is a different breed of person out there whose sole purpose on earth is to make an already long line feel even longer with constant sighs and groans. They shift from foot to foot and dramatically look down the line in an attempt to understand how there could POSSIBLY be a line at the post office 5 days before Christmas. They fold their arms while they huff and puff over this tragedy against mankind. Oh no, it does not stop there does it. These annoying turds have one more trick up their sleeves and this is what really gets my blood boiling. These assholes love to try and draw everyone into some sort of customer revolt. They start to say things like, "can you believe this" or "this is ridiculous, why don't they hire more people?" They assume just because you are stuck in the same line you will agree to join the killing spree they are planning. Look guy, I just want to mail these Star Wars figures to the guy who won them on Ebay, I don't need to join your militia. One time, while waiting in line for a rental car, this guy in line was losing his shit to the point where he drafted a crazy person petition and asked all of us to sign it. I have no idea what we would have been agreeing to exactly, but obviously everyone ignored him. I should also mention that we only waited in this line for approximately 6-8 minutes. I'm surprised we all lived through such hell! I see the obvious irony in complaining about other people complaining so shut up.

Wow, this was some headline to start my day with this morning. How does something this insanely insensitive make it to the front page of Yahoo? It's so casual with its "Weekend of death and birth" announcement that it's actually shocking. That was some CRAZY weekend huh? It's like they are holding up Amy Poehler's baby right in Jennifer Hudson's face and saying "So sorry your family was murdered but look at this cute baby, don't be such a sourpuss!" Even the photo of Hudson is an odd choice. It looks like the brutal slaying of her mother, brother and young nephew is some sort of wacky blooper that should be followed by a "BOING" sound effect. And let's not forget how mean this is to Amy Poehler! First of all, it makes her look like a gloating bitch even though obviously she had no control over this nonsense. Secondly, it's a strange way to welcome her first child into the world. (Insert baby talk voice) "Hi little baby. Who's a baby? You're a baby, yes you are. Yes you are. Yes you are. Did you hear about Jennifer Hudson's family getting murdered? Did you little baby? Who heard about the murder? Who heard about the murder? Who's a little baby? Yes you are!" Idiots.

I know this makes me a dick but I just can't stand wacky, public marriage proposals. When I see some turd at some at some sporting event publicly professing his turd love to some turdy woman I just want to throw my nachos at them. This is only a fantasy however because those nachos probably cost $12 dollars and I am going to literally lick that plastic tray clean to get my money's worth. So what makes me, the cheese licking tightwad, so much better than the aforementioned turd who simply wants to express his love in front of a bunch of drunks just so he can get on the news? I just am! I can't be the only person who does not feel the need to witness other people's proposals. It's a private moment so keep it the hell out of my nachos.

I would really rather be writing about something frivolous but I just can't bite my tongue about this disgusting duo and what they have been up to the last week. John McCain and Sarah Palin should be ashamed of themselves for calling Barack Obama a terrorist. Don't try and argue that they are not calling him a terrorist because that is exactly what they are doing and they know it. They also know it is a lie, a bald-faced lie. In a freshly post-9/11 America accusing someone of "palling around with terrorists" when the well-documented facts state otherwise is reprehensible. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think they are willing to sink this low. McCain/Palin rallies sound like Klan rallies as they whip the lunatic fringe of the right wing into a hate-filled frenzy. When Obama becomes President what happens when one of these idiots decides to assassinate this man because fucking moronic Sarah Palin has convinced them he is a terrorist? Do you think John McCain and Sarah Palin could sleep at night without feeling remorse if that were to happen? I don't know the answer, but I sure as hell could not live with myself if I was to sink as low as they have. How can they treat a fellow AMERICAN and a FATHER of two young children like this? They should be ashamed of themselves. They are playing a desperate and dangerous game and I have lost ALL respect for John McCain. I never had any respect for Sarah Palin so it's business as usual when it comes to her. How can this man who suffered in a cage for 4 years in the name of America be willing to SHIT all over everything America stands for? Not the most Christian way to carry yourself is it John and Sarah? Do you think Jesus would approve of such loose morals? Let's not forget that Sarah pals around with, and her husband belongs to, the Alaskan Independence Party, an organization whose founder said...

"the fires of hell are frozen glaciers compared to my hatred for the American government, and I won't be buried under their damn flag."

Does this sound like the kind of person we want in the white house?

A friend of mine made me aware of this ass-munching, shit-for-brains, redneck today and I almost wish he hadn't. This idiot, Mark Ciptak (pronounced Shit-Pack or possibly Shit-Tank), went behind his wife's back and named his baby daughter "Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak" in order to "take one for the cause." Sorry asshole, it was actually your poor kid who took one for the cause don't you think? America, please say hello to Joe fucking Six Pack! I wonder what Sarah McCain Palin Ciptak will use as her stripper name in 18 years? Probably "Crystal" or "Cheyenne" like the rest of them. Here's what my friend said in his email, I thought it was funny... "Way to go dipshit... maybe you can name your next kid "My Dad's a Selfish Moron Who doesn't Think About Anything Beyond the Next 2 Weeks Ciptak"... that is the next kid he has with his next wife. Make the most of your weekend visits with lil' Sarah McCain Palin, fuckface. There you can pretty much just cut and paste most of the above on your blog. Thanks for the credit... I guess i just made your list... sorta"

This slider puzzle is supposed to say "I 'heart' Jesus" and it's intended to be solved by children. I spent 45 minutes trying to solve it and the best I could come up with was "I (shapes) Jesus." That's when I threw it against the wall and destroyed it. How you like me now, puzzle? FUCK YOU! I hate myself.

I don't really feel like putting any effort into this tonight so please forgive me for what is probably going to be my most boring post ever. It does not help that my subject matter, Judd from The Real World San Francisco, is quite possibly the most boring person on the planet. First of all Judd, WE GET IT, you are better than us, you aren't homophobic and you aren't afraid to hug a guy with AIDS. Now that we cleared that up maybe he can stop trying to live his life through Perdo Zamora. Secondly, Judd shot his douchebag score off the charts by marrying a fellow Real Worlder. I just barfed a little. This is the same girl that sad sack Judd helped go on a romantic (paddle boats?) date with her boyfriend. I seem to remember Judd dressing up in a tuxedo and paddling alone in a separate boat with his giant, tear-filled puppy dog eyes. What a tool. And how can we forget his comic strip "Nuts and Bolts?" Enough said. My favorite Judd fact has to be this doozy from his wiki page, "Winick proposed to Ling in March 2000, wearing a gorilla suit." If that doesn't make you want to kick him square in his vagina I don't know what could.