First of all, who is actually drinking any Michelob product on purpose? I can understand if you were walking down the street and a construction worker on a skyscraper spilled his Michelob just as you looked up to admire the clouds and a few drops got in your mouth. Or maybe you get shot in the mouth and a good samaritan reaches for a Michelob to clean the wound. But how does a person choose to drink a Michelob?
A bigger question is, who reaches for a Michelob ULTRA Fruit Infused Beer? Possibly a nine-year-old girl? I don’t know about you, but when I’m hangin’ with the bros doing bro things, like watching sports and admiring each others’ bodies, I can often be heard saying “Dude, toss me another Tuscan Orange Grapefruit!”
“Sorry broskie, all we have left is Pomegranate Raspberry or Lime Cactus.”
“Fucking bro, no fucking way dude! I bought the Tuscan Orange Grapefruit for me!”
Come on, really? Are you fucking kidding me? Is VH1 really so bored that they need to pull Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black out of the mothballs to make snarky comments on the ACTUAL DECADE WE ARE CURRENTLY LIVING IN?
Hey, who remembers hurricane Katrina? That was hilarious! Remember Paris Hilton? What ever happened to her? And just who DID let the dogs out? Is this show real or is it an elaborate hoax created by my enemies to give me a rage-induced heart attack?
OK, here’s the deal. I liked “I Love the 80’s” the first time around. In fact I watched all ten episodes in a row at my friend’s house. I was moderately amused by “I Love the 70’s.” Then came “I Love the 90’s” and I was starting to fantasize about different ways to murder Hal Sparks. What’s next “I Love right now” where Michael Ian Black discusses what Hal Sparks just said and Hal Sparks discusses what Michael Ian Black just said in a never-ending loop?
Stop it VH1. You are making me dislike Michael Ian Black, a person I happen to really like otherwise. On the other hand, I could give two shits about Hal Sparks and his crap heavy metal band. How can you possibly sound heavy and awesome if the name of your band is “The Hal Sparks Band?”
“Dude, why are your ears bleeding?”
“Oh, I was just listening to The Hal Sparks Band.”
VH1, stop before you kill again. Let Hal go back to his first love, trying to find leather pants in toddler sizes so he can look tough.
Way to go God, ya jerk! You think it’s funny to take Golden Girls star Estelle Getty just three days before her 85th birthday? Is that funny to you tough guy?
Estelle Getty was by far my favorite Golden Girl. For those of you who think it’s more important to read a book than watch awesome TV, Estelle played the part of the sassy but classy Sophia Petrillo, mother of Bea Arthur’s character Dorthy Zbornak although she was actually younger than Bea. Estelle Getty was genuinely funny as Sophia and I highly recommend you stop reading that stupid book of yours and go buy every DVD box set of the Golden Girls immediately.
Fucking god damn John Mayer is making me like him and it’s pissing me off! He’s already on my list and now he MUST make a second appearance for making me love him. WHHHHHHHY!
Here’s the deal, I hate hate HATE his crap music and I will ALWAYS hate it. It is the worst brand of bottom of the barrel, middle of the road, bland crap and I despise it with every cell in my body. BUT, thanks to Fox placing TMZ between two episodes of The Simpsons every day I now know more about John Mayer than I ever hoped to. My worst fears have been realized because John Mayer is funny. There really is no way around it. He’s funny in front of the paparazzi (or as we call it on TMZ the “paps”) and he’s funny in the clip below.
How fucking dare this asshole make me like him! John, call me.
Can we all just agree to knock off this new wave of preppy, collar popping, flip flopping bullshit? I already lived through it once in the 80’s so asking me to experience it again is like asking a 95 year old war veteran to head over to Europe and fight a little more WWII. The old guy and I just don’t need the hassle right now.
The most amazing thing about these turds is that I think they actually get laid! BY WOMEN! “Do you mind if I slip into something more comfortable. Oh, look at that, too late I’m already wearing flip flops.” Listen Brad, nobody wants to stare at your beer-soaked toes while they are trying to eat. If you are in a situation that requires pants then you are in a situation that requires shoes. You look retarded Brad.
I will give a pass to Kanye West and Kanye West ONLY. Kanye just looks fucking cool dressing like the mayor of Cape Cod. You, on the other hand, look like a major tool.
I realize an adult taking the time to complain about Miley Cyrus is ridiculous but she started this war when she decided to steal the idea of angry list making from me! Until today, when I ACCIDENTALLY watched the new Miley Cyrus video “7 Things I Hate About You,” the little knowledge I had of this girl came from the times I ACCIDENTALLY watched TMZ (every day). I assumed her music was annoying but man, this video upset me and made me cry. It is THAT bad! Why is she unable to count to 4 in rhythm with the drummer and why is she saying “shaaa” to me? What “previous relationship” is she singing about anyway, isn’t she like 9 years old?
FART!
Here are the 7 things I hate about Miley Cyrus:
1. The fact that I know her name.
2. The fact that I know both of her names.
3. Her overuse of the peace sign. Peace Y’all!
4. The fact that she was created from the demon seed of Billy Ray Cyrus.
5. The way she and her dad tried to act like they were tricked into those “topless” photos. Shut up already.
6. Her douche bag band. Quit jumping around, have you heard the song you’re playing?
7. The fact that she makes more money than me.
I dare you to watch this video all the way through. I’ve only been able to about 5 or 10 times – PEACE!
You know what my least favorite song is? The one coming from your stupid car.
I especially love to hear the trunk of your pimped-out Honda Civic rattle and buzz as you cruise your turf (from Home Depot to the Banana Republic) wit da boyz. You’re probably saying “hey, I bet you crank your car stereo sometimes” and the answer is yes BUT having perfect musical taste as I do, it’s a treat for those around me. It’s like a free concert of awesome music! As I drive by people give me thumbs up and yell “THAAAAANK YOOOOOU!”
Your music, on the other hand, is shit. Also, that racing fin on the back of your Ford Fiesta ain’t doing nothing but making you look douchey.
You and your stupid, loud car stereo just made my list!
I’ve been redoing a lot of landscaping in my yard lately and usually mix cow manure into the soil. I don’t even use gloves sometimes, I love it that much. I bought some shrubs the other day from a nursery that did not sell manure because of “mad cow disease” (huh?) but they recommended I try cotton burr by Back to Nature. OK, fine. When I pulled my car around to the pick up area I was floored by the unbelievable bad breath seeping from the guy’s mouth who loaded the compost into my car. I was 5 feet from the guy and it was windy but I could still smell his ass mouth.
Moving on, I got into my car and soon realized the intense smell was actually coming from that piece of shit (ironic because I actually wanted to buy shit) cotton burr and not from the decent young man I failed to tip. Believe me when I tell you, without exaggeration, that this was easily one of the foulest smells I have ever experienced.
Let me see if I can describe it for you… imagine going to a Phish concert and capturing the bad breath of every filthy hippie in some sort of bad breath vacuum. Now get in your car and drive to the nearest Korn concert and suck up a little more bad breath. Now imagine that ungodly mixture of air is your only source of oxygen for a 15 minute car ride. Keep in mind the bag was closed, all of my windows were open and I was driving with my head out the window and I still had to literally fight back barf. I was longing for the smell of cow shit the entire way home.
