You just made my list!

If only there was a way to combine my love of sandwiches with tennis ball packaging. From now on when I head to a kickass beach party I'm grabbing a six-pack of Coors Light and a sixer of BBQ chicken sandwiches. I'm also bringing a six-pack of condoms because when the ladies see me pop the top off a fresh sammie they're going to be like, "I wish that guy eating canned sandwiches over there would get me pregnant," and I'm going to be like, "You wish," and then she's going to be like, "Yeah, that's what I just said," and I'll be like, "That's what she said," and she'll be like, "Wait, I can't tell if you are kidding or you just can't understand what I'm saying," and then I'll smash the empty Candwich can on my head and be like, "I just ate a canned sandwich so, yeah, I'd say I'm basically the shit. Now let's do it." Yet another girl goes home with a little PB&J all over her body. NEXT! I don't hate the concept of the Candwich. How could I? Sandwich in a can? Yeah, that's perfectly normal and awesome. I do, however, take issue with the fact that the Candwich creator, Travis L. Wright, was able to talk a bunch of Utah investors out of $145,000,000 in order to make his dream of canned lunch a reality. Well technically they thought they were investing in real estate and Wright was secretly using their money to cram hoagies into soda cans. The point is, this guy had a dream and found a way to scam people in order to make it a reality. Why don't I have that kind of resourcefulness? Oh sure, it's easy for you to sit there on your high horse and call Travis Wright a thief and a fraud but why don't you take a bite of this turkey and Swiss before you pass judgment. Here, wash it down with a can of mashed potatoes and gravy. Apology accepted.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMERICA, STAY PERFECT!

WHOOPS! All day yesterday I thought it was Friday. Guess what I don't do on Friday? That's right, I don't share my hilariously important opinions on Fridays. So everyone loses! Well, maybe we all won. I feel that I owe you something, so here's further proof that God hates parkour and does his best to sterilize all who participate in it. Happy Birthday America! You are the best and never do anything wrong!

The subject of the oil spill and the incredible greed at BP is simply too depressing to even think about, so instead I give you ten clips of deer licking other animals. Boycott BP and BP brands: Castrol, Arco, Aral, am/pm, Amoco, Wild Bean Cafe and, Safeway gas. Now let the licking begin!

Whoops. I accidentally went to see Mexican midgets wrestle last night. The sad result of this "situation" is no brilliant post today. I am sort of sorry.

I'm so excited I can barely find the ability to type. I've written about Jack Rebney before so I will skip an introduction and just say watch this... www.winnebagoman.com

If you are like me, you have often wondered what to do if attacked by cowboy boots filled with meat! Even though the current sword fighting fad is mostly driven by hipsters who have grown bored of their fixed gear bikes and mustaches, one can no longer leave the house unprepared. Just yesterday I was challenged to a sword fight on my way to the post office and, like a fool, I was standing there without any weapon other than my messenger bag which I was forced to throw at the swordsman like an old lady throwing her purse! I immediately came home and web surfed the world wide web for "best swords stab slice crush awesome dungeon overweight" and found this. Perfect!

I got back late from a long road trip yesterday and the result is this lame-ass cop out post. Life is cruel sometimes. But anyway, did you see the much-hyped Betty White episode of Saturday Night Live this weekend? It had to be the most solidly entertaining episode in the history of the show. Betty White was awesome and it was nice to see all the all-star women from past seasons all back together again. That's all I wanted to say, tell me how much I suck now.