You just made my list!

Well, I posted the photographic evidence and the videos, so my work here is pretty much done. No need to say anything more about this, goodnight.

Fine, I’ll try to get through this without killing myself but I’m just warning all you babies out there, the next baby I see is getting punched in the face. I know it seems harsh but you can blame E-Trade and especially these nightmarish commercials directed by Satan for Hawk Ford. Yeah that’s right, I now hate ALL babies, way to go TV!

I didn’t like it when E-Trade hired magical talking babies to peddle their website, but at least the E-Trade kid doesn’t look like an angry, deformed baby who just dunked its own face into a bucket of acid before running after you with a knife. Jesu Christo, how did this shit get approved?!? How is it possible that somebody at the ad agency didn’t say “Well, obviously we can’t show the client this, what else do you got?” Why not just hire the fucking baby from Eraserhead for your next round of commercials?

Oh, and by the way baby, why don’t you shut your mouth and leave the car-buying decisions to the people actually paying for the God damn car. You get no say in the matter so keep your snarky opinions to yourself until YOU can afford to buy your own car, you creepy Michael-Myers-mask-looking piece of shit!

I think I’m going to be sick.

Come on, really? I mean… what? I don’t need this shit, not today, not ever. Why?

Oh boy, I’m ready for the hate mail to pour in on this one. “You’re a jerk and you live in your mom’s basement and these dolls are beautiful and you’re just jealous that nobody ever loved you, I hope you never have kids, blah blah blah.” There I just saved you all that time.

I’m forced to write this while sitting on the toilet because it’s impossible to look at these creepy dolls without shitting at least a tiny bit. I should have warned you! I’m sorry you now have poop-filled pants.

OK, this shit is fucked up! First of all, these dolls are referred to as “Reborn Babies” and there’s a whole subculture of insane psychopaths buying and making these creepy plastic monsters. The process of making a realistic baby doll is known as “reborning” or “newborning” and it usually takes place in the darkest corner of Hell. Even Satan is like “Um… yeah, I’m going to go see what Hitler and Dahmer are up to for a few hours while you gals finish up… um… whatever it is exactly that… uh, you’re doing over there.” Then the great beast slowly backs out of the room timidly.

At least that’s how I imagine it.

Yikes…

Finally there’s a way I can also not care about what your baby is doing.

Let’s see if I can describe this new invention without killing myself. Twoddler may look like your average Playskool activity center but this little piece of shit is hooked up to Twitter so every time little Susie moves the plastic piece with your face on it a tweet is sent to you saying something like “Hey asshole, look what I can do… randomly touch things.”

Am I the last sane person on this planet? If this takes off I’m moving to a cabin in the woods. I don’t want to live in a world where babies keep me up to date every minute of the day. “I C poopies on da floor. LOL.” Come to think of it, how can you tell if a tweet is from a baby or an adult with the ridiculous way people write these days? I’m guessing a baby could tweet something just as intelligent as, say, Miley Cyrus.

Let’s see if you can guess which of these tweets (I fucking hate that term) are from babies and which are from adults…

“jus ate sum soup”

“spendt da day on da couch in PJs – LMAO”

“life is a jurney, U just half 2 take the furst step”

“yo, yall need to see ma new crib”

See? What’s the difference? It’s all inane, utterly useless bullshit nobody needs to know.

Nap time!

Yeah, that creepy poster of a baby dressed as corn is really going to brighten up your beer-soaked, double-wide trailer. IT’S SOOOOO CUTE!

I think I hate Anne Geddes because I’m jealous of her. I mean could there be anything easier than plopping some stupid babies into a giant salad and snapping a few photos? Put a baby in a bunny suit and get ready to start counting your money. BITCH!

The only people worse than Anne Geddes are the tasteless dolts who eat this shit up. I honestly can’t comprehend looking at one of these posters and thinking “Oh yeah, I love that. I love it when babies dress in cactus outfits. I NEED that!” I like children, but this shit makes me want to do a Geddes-style poster of a baby dressed as a golf ball that’s about to get whacked by a giant golf club.

And can we all just PLEASE agree to stop taking black and white photos of tiny babies being held by hairy shirtless men? OK, we get it, life is precious and fragile and babies look small in big hands and look how strong those hands look and we have to protect babies and the circle of life and kumbaya and peace on Earth and that scene in Ghost where Patrick Swayze fucks Demi Moore on a pottery wheel and Sarah Palin, and Jesus and Blue Collar Comedy and Walmart… Lord, take me now!

This is going to be a short post for exactly 3 reasons.

1. Chicago finally has nice, warm weather and I want to sit in my yard and get drunk.
2. I have spent the last 2 hours getting drunk in my yard.
3. I have a suspicion that nobody gives a shit about this stupid website and my bullshit anymore.
4. I purchased the Criterion Collection version of Bottle Rocket on DVD today and I want to watch it.
5. Shut up!
6. I have spent the last 2 hours getting drunk in my yard.
7. For the record, I have a chair, it’s not like I am literally sitting in the middle of my yard drinking. Idiot.
8. The world will be ending soon. Thanks North Korea!
9. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Outasafghddddddddddddddddddd. Sorry I just fell asleep face-down on my computer.
10. I hate that I even know who fucking Jon and fucking Kate are!!!

The official post begins now… Blah blah blah, I hate Jon and Kate. Kate is mean and Jon is miserable. The end.

That’s right jerks, I’m done. It’s over. I quit. Take this job and shove it!

I’ve spent almost every night of the last 9 months forcing myself to write this dumb blog and I finally came to the realization that I hate blogging. I don’t even LIKE blogs so what the hell am I doing writing one?

The truth is it has been really fun and I have enjoyed watching a little community of fellow complainers grow around the site and I feel really bad about leaving you all alone with your dark thoughts. On one hand I am happy I will no longer have to force myself to write every day but on the other hand I feel sick about letting my dumb little blog die. I also hate April Fools jokes and I hate myself for playing one today. So stop crying you big idiots. I’m not going anywhere, I’ve got too many things to complain about.

If you are a mom or dad with a baby please don’t waste your time telling me that you put sunglasses on your child to protect their little eyes. I realize this and don’t disagree but I don’t have to be logical, I just have to hate something to put it on my fucking awesome list!

I HATE the way babies look in sunglasses. It creeps me the hell out! I’m not trying to be funny, I can’t look at a child when they are wearing sunglasses. A pair of sunglasses on a baby instantly transforms them from cute and innocent to a fat party guy from some late 80’s R-rated teen movie. You know the character, he’s usually named “Moose” or “Pudding” and is always wearing a Hawaiian shirt and not getting laid. The movie ends with “Moose” falling into a pool fully-clothed. He pops his head out of the water while still eating a slice of pizza and the rest of the teens all say in unison “oh Mooooooose.” Roll credits.

In summation, don’t put sunglasses on babies.