From the beginning, let me say I agree with trying to be environmentally responsible and I do things in my own life to reduce my “carbon footprint.” Now that I have that out of the way… stop trying to ruin EVERYTHING you stupid hippies!
Earlier in the week I heard some dingbats on NPR babbling on and on about how to be “green” on Halloween. Not awesome green like a zombie, but lame green like your costume is made out of recycled toilet paper and yard waste.
They had some fantastic tips, like using a beeswax candle in your pumpkin because it’s more sustainable than paraffin, or having a composting party where you compost half of your kid’s candy. You know, the candy they waited all fucking year to collect. Yeah, just go ahead and toss their yummy candy in a bin with kitchen scraps, leaves and worms. Why don’t these parents go ahead and force their kids to dress as Ira Glass or Terry Gross* while they are at it. Dicks.
Do these busy-body hippie turds have to strip the fun out of everything? I’m pretty much a left-wing liberal but when I hear shit like this on NPR it makes me want to have sex with a bald eagle while Ted Nugent pours beer all over me. This program made me want to dress up as a Transformer this Halloween. My costume will consist of real, running motorcycles attached to my arms, a gas-powered lawn mower on my head and my feet will be two actual Hummers that will drive me from house to house. Oh yes, you will hear me coming down your block.
*OK, Terry Gross could be a good costume because you could play with the “gross” angle and be a zombie NPR host. Wait, no, forget I said that. That is the dumbest idea ever and I hate myself for not deleting it right now.
What do you do if your child is afraid to go to the doctor for a flu shot? Obviously your only option is to allow a doctor to sneak into their room while they sleep and stab them with a needle. Sure, they will never know the joy of a good night’s sleep ever again after you make their nightmares a reality, and they will most likely attempt to bury the dark memory of waking to a strange doctor in their bedroom jabbing them with a needle by getting deep into medical fetish sex as an adult, but hey… NO FLU!
This actually exists! On Earth! For less than $100 you can betray the trust of your sleeping child in his or her own bed. You think your kid was scared of the dark before? Just wait until he wakes up to find a creepy old man hunched over him with a hypodermic needle. You will be cleaning poop out of those Elmo jammies for months.
Why stop with flu shots? Hire the Shamwow guy to sneak in at night and yell math equations in your kid’s face. Maybe little Timmy will be quarterback one day if you start chucking footballs at him while he sleeps.
Middle of the night flu shot by The Shot Fairy… $80.
Turning your child in to a serial killer at age 5… Priceless.
I know I already wrote some brilliant prose about pimp costumes today but I can no longer bite my tongue on the subject of Balloon Boy and his fucked up family. I wasn’t going to write about them because honestly there is nothing I could say that you have not already thought yourself. But now that I have seen the Henne family rap song I want the entire family tossed in jail.
Check out the Henne brothers rapping about pussification, shitting, farting, pissing and “Faggots.” What a classy family.
Thanks for giving me the names of all your kids, it will be much easier to kidnap “Boogers” from the playground with that info.
These stupid bumper stickers have been mentioned in comments before on this site, but it’s time they got their due. They have more than earned their place on my list. I don’t give a shit about your stupid anorexic family, I just want to drive behind your slow-moving minivan in peace. I don’t need to know the intimate details of your life. I don’t need the pressure of trying to figure out everyone’s hobbies from the rudimentary cave drawings you have provided. Perhaps you could also display your tax returns for the last 3 years, your resume and the kids’ grades? Tell me, who is Booger’s favorite Jonas Brother?
The thing that really bothers me about this crap is everyone’s willingness to be the same. I hate fads. I guarantee these turds have a box of “valuable” Beanie Babies collecting dust in their basement and a full assortment of Crocs waiting by the door. It’s ironic that these decals end up making every family look exactly the same.
When did every kid become allergic to everything? When I was a kid growing up in the 70’s, I don’t remember ever being asked if I was allergic to nuts, or anything else, before being handed a cookie by a friend’s mom. In fact, that cookie was probably presented to me with a big cloud of cigarette smoke blown in my face. “Here are some cookies kids, now go outside and play with some fire or something, mommy needs a nap.”
I never even HEARD of a nut allergy until the 90s! All of a sudden, out of nowhere, I’m being told a tiny whiff of peanut air can literally kill some kids. Not just some kids, it seems like every kid has some sort of food allergy now. I don’t want to live in a world where children have to fear a delicious PB&J samich. My biggest fear as a child was that disco might one day ruin the band Kiss… WHICH IT DID! Later, in Jr. High, my biggest fear was my penis becoming erect in class… WHICH IT DID!
This is not a rant against the kids who happen to have nut allergies, rather it’s about how fucked up and complicated it is to be a kid now. For the most part, I think parents today make life for their kids way too complicated, but then there’s weird shit like nut allergies and autism that seem to be all the rage now. Man, I feel so lucky to have grown up in a time where my biggest concern was memorizing the pattern to every Pac-Man screen… WHICH I DID!
Remember the good old days when kids’ opinions were meaningless? I miss the days when a child sharing his opinion would result in a beer can to the head. OK, I don’t actually think you should throw beer at children. It’s obviously wrong to beat a child and it’s even worse to waste beer.
Believe it or not, I actually really like kids. I think a lot of children are totally awesome, and in many ways, I relate to them more than I do my fellow adults. HOWEVER, that does not mean I need to hear their opinions about the latest crappy crap that some movie studio crapped out of their craphole.
Here’s my problem with this concept. Have you ever heard a “real” kid NOT like a movie? They fucking love everything as long as it’s not too scary or boring. What KidsPickFlicks.com does though is give these brats an inflated sense of themselves and suddenly Kung Fu Panda lacks adequate character development. I actually have another problem with this website. Take a look at the reviews and tell me they were really written by children. It’s obvious adults have their hands in the mix. I actually think a website of real kids reviewing movies in their own words without editing would be fun to read.
Yeah, that’s right, one more night of painting the kitchen and not sharing my beautiful complaints with the world. I’ll be back tomorrow, promise.
I would like to point out that today I saw about 5 seconds of Guy Fieri’s piece of shit cooking show and in that small time he actually said “The name for this is too long, I’ll just call it MONEY.” I guarantee he jerks off to the movie “Swingers” at least once a week. God damn it, I hate that cockhole so much! (I can’t believe “cockhole” is not recognized by spell check)
So God bless America and God bless the children. Take it away Tyler Busby! (Make sure you also watch little Aaron Koehne make that Casio his bitch at the 6:30 mark)
