You just made my list!

It’s 2:43 am and I simply have nothing to complain about right now. I just got home from a night of drinks with old friends and for once I’m in a good mood. I guess Listy is getting soft, and for this I apologize.

I hope you all have a great Holiday, thanks for listening to my bullshit. Except Guy Fieri, I hope his Christmas sucks major ass and is not at all “money.”

I quit. I will never try to do anything again.

I found out last week, thanks to a hard-hitting article on Yahoo, that apples are bad for me. Yeah, that’s right, fucking APPLES are going to kill me. Why do I even bother getting out of bed in the morning?

Apparently apples are covered in pesticides and washing them does next to nothing to remedy that little problem. The pesticides are designed to stick to the fruit in the rain, so you have to either peel your apple or wash it in some hippie fruit cleaner to make it safe to eat. Fuck that, I’m going to fill my fat face hole with pork rinds until I die.

Why do any of us bother to do anything? You just can’t win in a world where apples are bad for you and Wild Hogs is a successful movie. Guy Fieri walks the earth with his God damn sunglasses on the back of his fat neck but John Lennon is dead? We live in a world where apples will poison you and the Kardashians are rich and famous!

I’m going to kill myself. I’ll start by eating some apples.

Assholes.

Look at me! Look at me! I am desperate to be noticed! MY ONLY GOAL IN LIFE IS TO BE ON THE NEWS! I’m swimming in the winter, can you believe how crazy I am? Love me. WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME DADDY?!?

These are the same kind of attention hogs that ride around on tall bikes, propose marriage in wacky ways and get married in some bullshit underwater wedding. You may think I am simply against fun. You are an idiot. I like fun, but swimming in a frozen lake in the middle of winter and having your cock and balls retreat into your body, never to be seen again, is literally the exact opposite of fun.

Guess what? POLAR BEARS don’t even want to swim around in some godforsaken frozen ocean for 6 hours looking for some dumb fish to eat. It is a well documented fact that the suicide rate among polar bears is the second highest in the animal kingdom. Obviously the number one slot goes to Guy Fieri’s tapeworms.

BREAKING NEWS:
Forget everything I just said, polar bear clubs are awesome!

First, I’m fucking SICK! It feels like someone forced Guy Fieri’s bloated corpse into my lungs. Every breath is torture.

Secondly, did you ever want to know what I look like? Well I just about shit my pants when I stumbled across the painting above because I’ll be God damned if that isn’t me being comforted by the J-man! Seriously, it looks just like me. Should I be worried?

I’ll try to write something real tomorrow.

Question: Have you ever seen a guy dressed as a pimp for Halloween who was NOT a huge douchebag?
Answer: No.

I think a better name for this costume would be “Guy who will fail to give you an orgasm but will jizz in your hair before yacking all over your bed and probably also a little in your hair so now you have barf and jizz in your hair.” That might be a little long for the packaging but you have to admit, it’s catchy!

I would be willing to bet my life savings (currently in negative status) that both Jon Gosselin and Guy Fieri have dressed as pimps at some point in their douchey lives. Chew on THAT before you decide to dress as a pimp this year!

Did you know people still wear these? I thought they had all been retired to thrift stores, only to be resurrected for the occasional “bad sweater party,” but the other day while filling my car with gas I saw one of these walking by on an actual human. I poured 3 gallons of gas all over my shoes before I snapped back to reality. Did I really just see that? It’s burned into my memory like that famous photo of Big Foot casually walking through the woods, only this Sasquatch looked like he had been barfed on by a unicorn.

Speaking of barfing up a Cosby Sweater, check out #1.

Anyhoo… How is it possible that a living, breathing human with eyes could see one of these monstrosities and think, “Oh yeah. I need a sweater that looks like it’s made form the tears of 1000 clowns.” The bigger mystery is who invented this style of sweater? Wait, and even bigger question is why are they still being produced?

I bet if you put that douchebag Guy Fieri in a giant blender the end result would look remarkably like a Cosby Sweater.

MOTHER FUCK! I have been paying close attention to my stupid odometer for the last 200 miles in excited anticipation for that wonderful moment when I could watch all those little nines piss off, leaving a pristine 100000 on my odometer. Well, once again the world has taken a shit all over me! Yeah, that’s right, me missing this historic event is the worst thing to ever take place on this planet (other than the hideously disgusting conception and birth of Guy Fieri). Imagine the trauma I felt when I looked down today and saw that bullshit 100029 staring back at me. My heart sank and my eyes filled with tears. It was like 29 middle fingers aimed in my direction! I thought about driving head-on into the next semi truck just to teach my car’s bitch ass a lesson but that’s exactly the reaction my odometer wanted from me. So instead I will suffer through yet another tragedy in my life.

Oh holy Lord, do I love me some pluots!

If you were like me a couple weeks ago, you are now scratching your head and saying in a very dumb voice “what’s a pluot?” You stupid fucking idiot, it’s only the best God damned fruit on this hell hole we call planet Earth. A pluot is a genetically engineered hybrid of a plum and an apricot. I already loved the fuck out of plums but I honestly have no idea what a stupid apricot tastes like, and I don’t give a shit because listen up dummy, when a plum and an apricot love each other very much the result is a beautiful pluot! A pluot could be made from Guy Fieri’s ball sweat and I would still make sweet love to them every night.

Oh… oh… OH… let me tell you about a man who should be worshiped and feared. A man who looks at God’s fruit and says “Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the best you got?” This beautiful son-of-a-bitch is Floyd Zaiger, the genius who first forced a plum and an apricot to have dirty sex (that’s how it’s done, right?). Compared to Floyd, you and I are insignificant, worthless failures. Yeah, that’s right, when was the last time YOU invented the best tasting fruit in the FUCKING UNIVERSE? You and I sit around all day eating Pringles and watching people fall off their skateboards on YouTube, while this magnificent creature designs a piece of fruit so delicious it would make Jesus cry. There should be a never-ending line of people on their knees waiting to blow this man.

Floyd Zaiger is GOD!