You just made my list!

I’m sure all of you were equally destroyed by the news of Bob Guccione’s death and, if you are like me, you will be taking the day off to mourn and reflect.

Rarely does mankind see greatness like Guccione. Playboy may have shown me my first glimpse of female pubes but Penthouse let me behind the curtain, so to speak. It was as if Bob Guccione himself was taking me by the hand and giving me an intimate tour of the female anatomy. Not too many grown men would do that for a 13-year-old boy and he deserves all the praise in the world for it.

Sure, it was scary at first, after all the first issues of Penthouse I saw were from the late 70s and early 80s when a woman’s pubic hair extended 6 inches from her body. Once I worked through the fear it was an incredible journey filled with head bands, baby oil, tan lines, Venetian blinds lit by red and blue lights, naked women washing cars and, most importantly, girls having sex with other girls. My eyes are filled with tears as I type this.

I fear that Guccione’s greatest gift to humanity will be lost. I am speaking, of course, of Penthouse Forum. Forum was better than the pictorials and it was nothing more than real letters from Penthouse readers telling real tales of getting laid. Yes, they were real and I don’t want to hear any more about it! I couldn’t wait to grow up because, thanks to Forum, I was under the impression young adulthood was going to be an endless parade of sex with hot housewives in their pools, sex in the woods with hitchhikers, sex in the grocery store parking lot, sex with triplets and sex that produced a minimum of 8 male orgasms. That son-of-a-bitch Guccione had me masturbating to words. WORDS!

Rest in peace sweet sweet Bob Guccione.

All I know is that every time I get a massage it looks nothing like the tranquil rocks-on-the-back photos I always see advertised. In fact, it’s usually midnight, I’m somewhere near the airport and I’m sitting in the parking lot of a 7-11 trying to freshen up by triggering a Glade Sense & Spray off in my pants. Sorry, I like to be presentable for the ladies, sue me.

But wait, that’s not the point of this post! I’m not attacking hot stone massages, rather I take issue with the endless parade of identical massage stock photos we are forced to suffer through. Sure, the boob squishing out from the side is a check in the plus column but is it enough? Is it enough? I’m here to ask the difficult questions.

I sincerely hope you have found yourself on this page after doing a Google search for “massage stock photos” and I hope you are now rethinking your decision to use a photo of a topless woman with “rock spine.” I understand why you want to use a photo like this but I implore you to help put an end to this epidemic. Let’s do this together, let’s think outside the box.

Maybe… just thinking off the top of my head here… maybe we can try some with the woman on her back? Maybe she’s in heels? You know, something fuckin’ classy.

Remember in the last post when I said my next post would be better? Boy did I get that wrong!

This is going to be short for exactly two reasons.

1. I’m still sick.

2. It’s pretty obvious why storm chasers are annoying dorks.

3. I have not showered since Saturday morning.

4. Actually, I have been wearing the same clothes since Saturday morning. Yeah that’s right, I’ve been sleeping in my clothes. I’m just that sick. In fact, I have not been nude since Saturday morning. That seems like a long time but I wonder how long Eskimos go without being nude. Months? Years?

5. I have to admit, there is something really pleasurable about not shaving, showering or changing your clothes for several days in a row. I’m like an amateur homeless person.

6. Hey did you hear there was just a charity event where the winning bidders got to box various Kardashians? I guess Rob Kardashian got knocked out with one punch and Kim got a black eye. That sounds fun.

7. Did you see Creed on The Tonight Show last night? Holy shit.

8. Thanks to Paul in Saint Paul, I learned today that Cheaters is FAKE! While it’s true I hate that show, I am still mad about it. I’m mad at myself for thinking it was real. If I ever find out that any tiny part of People’s Court is fake I will go on a killing spree.

Let me explain why this ad is on my list before you get on your soapbox and call me homophobic. I’m not at all homophobic, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be happy that the only available treadmill at the gym today faced this poster. My treadmill was about 18″ away so I was forced to literally stare head-on at Terrell Owens’ chiseled body while I lazily walked along like an old guy at the mall. Hey, I burned off 34 calories during those 5 minutes I’ll have you know!

I don’t need that kind of pressure at the gym. I specifically joined Bally because it’s mostly filled with lazy fat slobs who workout for about 2 weeks before getting bored and retreating back to sucking on the fast food teat. At Bally, I almost look athletic, but not when this shit is staring me down. Is it too much to ask for posters of Dom Deluise or “Rerun” to grace the walls so I can remain delusional about the state of my own body? Why the hell is he even naked in this ad?

Plus, what if coincidentally got a boner while staring at this poster. I have yet to get a boner at the gym, but what if I popped one of those “just woke up from a nap” boners while on the treadmill facing a naked T.O.? What if I accidentally started to masturbate after I accidentally got a boner? I’m not saying it’s likely, but WHAT IF?!?

Fuck it, I’m not going back to the gym until his show is canceled.

See the look on this woman’s face? You will never look like this while getting a massage from me.

I don’t care if giving a 5 minute massage would lead to hot, sweaty sex with Lucy Liu on a private Caribbean island while Brooke Burke and Keeley Hazel watch and beg to join in, I’m not doing it so stop asking, Lucy!

I absolutely LOVE to RECEIVE a massage, especially from a professional (insert happy ending joke here), but I despise giving them. I would rather retake the SATs than massage your back. When I try to give a massage I begin with good intentions but literally after 10 seconds I am sick and tired of it. I’m not happy, you’re not happy, so why bother?

Oh brother, these people are the worst! Let me clarify… people who exercise are not on my list and people who feel better about themselves after a workout are also not on my list. I’m talking about the people who practically have a boner while exercising because they love it so much. I’m talking about people who enjoy working out WHILE working out.

For the record I exercise regularly. In fact I do this incredibly difficult workout called “super slow” that sounds stupid but I dare any of you to try it. It is fucking TORTURE! Super slow takes your body to its absolute limit and then goes past that limit until you want to cry. I would punch my trainer in her face if I could only lift my arms after one of her torture sessions. Shortly after exercising I feel great and proud of myself but I literally hate every second of the workout. I HATE IT!

I also belong to a normal gym and I see these people who love every second of it. They never leave! They are there every time I go. These people are evil and need to be stopped before they take over the world with their ripped abs and oily nipples.

Side note: do you really have to get naked at your locker and walk to the shower with your junk flapping around? Can’t you wear a towel and get naked just before entering the shower? Sunday I was at the gym and I turned my head to find a hairy dick no more than a foot from my face. Why? This guy walked around naked like he was the last guy on the planet.