I thought I was going to write about adults who still wear giant class rings but I stumbled upon something so disturbing and underground that I feel it is my duty as an American to shine a light on this ugly and repulsive phenomenon. I have just discovered there are graduation supplies for homeschooled weirdos. I will never be the same again.
I’m sorry but if you are homeschooled there are a few things you are going to miss out on. For example, unless you plan on having sex with your sister, there is a pretty good chance you won’t be getting laid at your prom. Truth be told, I did not get laid at my prom, but at least I had a chance! I had no chance. I did, on the other hand, manage to drive all the way home with my headlights off because I was so nervous, so I’ve got that going for me.
I mean, what could your graduation ceremony even consist of? Your mom draped in a bed sheet, reading off a long list of your high school accomplishments while standing on a kitchen chair? It’s not too difficult to be valedictorian or captain of the Bible team when it’s just you and your mom sitting alone in the kitchen 5 days a week.
Yeah that’s right, while strolling through the mall I have not only stepped inside this douche hole, I have PURCHASED a T-shirt there! In fact, I have purchased 3 shirts from Hot Topic and the shame makes me want to set myself on fire.
Occasionally while stopped at red lights in the city I see older “dad” looking guys walking into what is clearly a handjob massage parlor and it is obvious how desperately they don’t want to be seen by anyone, even strangers. They walk quickly, keep their heads down and try to hide behind the collar of their golf jackets. They are willing to suffer through this awkward walk because they want that happy ending! This is exactly how I feel as I quickly duck into the mall’s most shameful teen asshole store. I try to make it look like I accidentally tripped and fell into the store or the wind pushed me in. I’m sorry but I want that God damn Judas Priest shirt, I want my happy ending!
It’s not my fault they have a handful of kickass shirts sprinkled among the other bullshit shitty shit they sell. The problem though is that when I wear one of my Hot Topic purchases I live in fear that someone will know where I got it. I remember seeing a guy wearing the same Johnny Cash T-shirt I purchased at the Topic and I thought “That guy is a dork, he shops at Hot Topic. Oh wait, so do I.” Must be the same when a guy walking into the massage parlor passes a customer on his way out. A simple nod is exchanged that says, “We failed.”
Obviously Stephen Colbert and his little staff of pot smoking New York hipsters are HUGE fans of my work and have once again stolen the contents of my handsome head. This time around these pilfering sons-of-asses have taken my genius thoughts about the Miracle Whip commercials and used them word for word. Literally WORD FOR WORD! Well, maybe not literally word for word but they literally used some of the same words. Let’s just say that words were used and leave it at that! Look, the point is that clearly Stephen Colbert has instructed his “writers” to monitor my every thought and claim them as their own. It hurts Stephen, it really hurts.
If I ever catch my child participating in anything that remotely resembles parkour or “free running” I am going straight to the nearest antique tool dealer, buying the largest, rustiest pre-civil war saw they own, driving back home and cutting his feet off. I’m serious, if I so much as see that kid walking on a curb or staring at a wall longingly, he can kiss those tootsies goodbye. Sure, he will complain about how “mean” I am blah blah blah, but what kid doesn’t bitch and moan about their parents? He will thank me later when he’s watching all those douchebags jumping around and falling on their faces, safely from the comfort of his wheelchair. He will look down at his gnarled stumps and think “Thank the good Lord above that I’m not wasting my time on this shit.” He will roll off into the setting sun to the sound of zitty teen faces slamming against the pavement and whisper “Thank you dad.”
Thanks to Jonathan for tipping me off to this Parkour scene from The Office!
If you are anything like me, these parkour accidents will give you a boner.
If you are a man* there are very few occasions when a puka shell necklace is allowed on your body. They are…
1) You bought a used time machine on Ebay but the knob is stuck on 1972. It also has a glitch that changes your sex and turns your clothes into a bikini while traveling through time.
2) You are Tatum O’Neal or Jackie Earle Haley and you are starring in “The Bad News Bears.”
3) You are a corpse and your friends thought it would be hilarious to wreck your funeral by strapping some puka shells around your bloated neck.
OK, this is a total cop out post because my computer is going to be crunching something big for the next several hours and I only have a couple minutes to post something. I’m also super tired from a nap. I hate naps. Have I written about naps before? I think so. Fuck you, naps!
Anyhoo, my cousin sent this video to me a few hours ago and I am still trying to locate my balls, which promptly crawled deep into my body after only about 15 seconds of viewing these freaks losing their shit over the new Twilight trailer.
If you have ears and balls, prepare to fight the urge to remove all 4 of them.
Fuck Threadless and their oh-so-clever bullshit! I hate the cult of Threadless.
If you do not know what Threadless is, take a moment to high-five yourself for being awesome. Threadless is a website where people send in their cutesy little t-shirt designs and an online community of lonely teens and aging hipsters with tiny glasses vote on which crappy doodle gets produced on actual t-shirts. Once these shirts are produced all the Threadless zombies rejoice and cum in their panties because every week they can buy more shirts with precious scribbles on them.
Do I think every Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I do honesty hate 98% of them. Do I think anyone who owns a Threadless shirt sucks? No, but I really can’t stand it when people are obsessed with them.
You know how there are just some things in life you hate but can’t quite explain why? Well this is not one of those things for me, I fucking hate Threadless.
