You just made my list!

If I wasn’t sort of drunk right now I would put more effort into this and believe me it would be HILARIOUS. Such is life.

Plus, what the fuck could be said about this?

Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap…

That slow clap is for you, Kleenex, for having the balls to stick your middle finger up Mother Nature’s ass and say right to her face, “Fuck you bitch, you’re not the boss of me!” What’s next Kleenex? Q-tips made out out baby seal fur? HELL YEAH, fuckin’ go fuckin’ for it! BEER! (sorry, I’m still kind of amped from the 4th of July)

I will admit, I kind of hate the “green” movement. Not because of what it stands for, it stands for the RIGHT thing and we should all be more conscious about our impact on the environment, but rather I hate the way it has become the flavor-of-the-month for marketing agencies and an empty gesture made by most people. “Sure, I drive a Hummer but I also changed all the lights around the pool to compact fluorescent bulbs, so I’m doing my part.”

But come on Kleenex, disposable single-use hand towels in your home bathroom? Bravo! That’s like trying to sell “I hate America” T-shirts on September 12th. Although, this is one of the rare times I am wrong because people WILL buy this ridiculous gimmick because we (not me, you) are afraid of EVERYTHING in this country.

Kleenex will have everyone believing porn stars sneak into their bathrooms at night and jerk off all over their towels while their family safely dreams about EPCOT Center and Guitar Hero in their bedrooms. Oh, and those porn stars all have AIDS… and bird flu. Also, the birds had AIDS so they are really covering your towels in human AIDS, bird flu and bird AIDS. So if you are keeping score, that’s two AIDS and one flu. ON YOUR TOWELS!

I just got my internet connection back, it’s late and I’m tired so this one will suck.

You know what else sucks? The weather in the Midwest! Take a look at that forecast, that’s what we’ve seen every day this summer. Thanks for another awesome weekend God.

Let me run down the seasons in Chicago for you…

Spring – Spring lasts about 4 minutes in Chicago, A housefly lives longer than our pathetic spring.
Summer – Three months of hot, humid, stormy bullshit peppered with the sound of every rap song ever written playing simultaneously from every car window in the city. Each summer we have a stretch that is so hot our elderly population begins to drop dead and the moon turns orange. Orange!
Fall – Admittedly fall is a nice season but it’s impossible to enjoy because it’s just foreplay for the horrible winter that is about to fuck you.
Winter – Have you ever experienced wind that is so cold it makes you cry? I don’t mean that your eyes simply water, I am talking about actual crying, crying and begging for death. Oh yeah, and it lasts approximately 16 months.

I would estimate that we have about 5 actual nice days each year. How’s a bro supposed to get his Frisbee golf on?

Goodnight, I’m the worst writer in the world. I will try to make next week better but I can’t promise anything.

The subject of the oil spill and the incredible greed at BP is simply too depressing to even think about, so instead I give you ten clips of deer licking other animals.

Boycott BP and BP brands:
Castrol, Arco, Aral, am/pm, Amoco, Wild Bean Cafe and, Safeway gas.

Now let the licking begin!

Finally there’s a way I can also not care about what your baby is doing.

Let’s see if I can describe this new invention without killing myself. Twoddler may look like your average Playskool activity center but this little piece of shit is hooked up to Twitter so every time little Susie moves the plastic piece with your face on it a tweet is sent to you saying something like “Hey asshole, look what I can do… randomly touch things.”

Am I the last sane person on this planet? If this takes off I’m moving to a cabin in the woods. I don’t want to live in a world where babies keep me up to date every minute of the day. “I C poopies on da floor. LOL.” Come to think of it, how can you tell if a tweet is from a baby or an adult with the ridiculous way people write these days? I’m guessing a baby could tweet something just as intelligent as, say, Miley Cyrus.

Let’s see if you can guess which of these tweets (I fucking hate that term) are from babies and which are from adults…

“jus ate sum soup”

“spendt da day on da couch in PJs – LMAO”

“life is a jurney, U just half 2 take the furst step”

“yo, yall need to see ma new crib”

See? What’s the difference? It’s all inane, utterly useless bullshit nobody needs to know.

Nap time!

Have you ever gone to a wedding and thought, “This reception is beautiful. The room is lovely, the flowers are spectacular, the china is immaculate but there is no fucking way I’m sitting on that chair without first covering it with a giant garbage bag! I don’t give a shit if the bride and groom take offense to it, I REFUSE to sit on that chair without putting a giant condom on it first.”

Well guess what psycho? You are in luck thanks to the ridiculous NewSeat!

NewSeat is a single-use chair cover for people who want to tell the world “I’m here. I’m crazy. Get used to it.” You think I’m kidding about the wedding scenario? According to NewSeat.com a wedding is just one of the perfectly normal places to use their chair cover. You can also look normal while using your NewSeat at seminars, conferences and “live stage performances.” Nothing makes you look more normal at a business seminar than refusing to let your fully clothed body touch a chair.

You may not know this but chair-related deaths are up 300% since 2005. I’m sure we all know someone who is battling an illness picked up from sitting on a chair. Just last week I participated in “Sit for a Cure” and I can only assume many of you did as well. GOD DAMN YOU CHAIRS! Sorry, I just get really emotional because in the last two years I have lost three family members to chair illnesses.

Another suggested use for the NewSeat is on an airplane. Hey great idea! I always found airplane seats to be a little too comfortable and often thought my six hour plane ride could be made better if I was sitting on an impervious sheet of plastic.

If there’s one thing I know about teenagers it’s that they LOVE to stand out and look different from their friends. They NEVER want to simply blend in and look like each other. Luckily for them NewSeat works for kids too! I can’t think of a single better way to get in with the popular crowd than to cover your chair at the movie theater with a tarp before sitting in it. When the other teens see you setting up for a hazardous material spill before watching Hot Tub Time Machine they will surely make a mental note to put YOUR name down for prom queen.

While the rest of the world cries and moans about “going green,” NewSeat has the balls to say “Fuck you environment, I’m covering every chair I sit on with a giant piece of plastic and then I’m just going to fucking leave it there when I’m done. What are you going do about it? Nothing, just like I thought.”

The next time you go to a movie theater built in 1910, bring a NewSeat!

Whatever! Like, I’m totally not sitting on that chair, it’s like gross-out city to the max. LOL. LMAO. BFF. WTF?

The world is ending… wait for it… NOW!

Why can’t douchebags drink beer from a normal bottle? They just aren’t happy unless they are drinking their watery piss out of a plastic bottle, a metal bottle, a wide-mouth bottle, a bottle shaped like a bowling pin,* or a bottle shaped like Mike Ditka’s cock.

If only there was a way to suck down this shitty beer slightly faster. Introducing the “Vortex” bottle from the makers of your favorite diaper juice, Miller Lite. Apparently this NASA-designed bottle creates an internal tornado of beer blah blah blah that speeds up your drinking schedule, allowing for more rounds of Golden Tee and moderately gay horseplay with your bros. Seems like maybe they are admitting their “beer” tastes like water sitting in an old tire and the best way to get though the experience of drinking it is to get it over with quick, just like when your mom used to ram a spoonful of cough syrup down your throat.

You are probably wondering if this new technology actually works. Well, you are in luck! In the following clip, four of the smartest scientists on Earth gather to test the Vortex at the world famous Horseshoe Lounge labs in Geneva Switzerland. It might be difficult to follow everything they are saying but don’t feel bad, they are processing thought at an elevated level that you and I could never comprehend. These people are as smart as computers! It happens off camera but I think I recognize the voice of Korean Physicist Kim Ung-yong declaring, “The Vortex bottle is full of shit.”

*The Budweiser bowling pin bottle is actually the greatest thing to happen to beer. Too bad it was filled with Budweiser.

How is this real?

Writing about getting your fat ass massaged at the mall reminded me of another utterly useless form of relaxation. I am of course speaking of reading a good book on the beach. Oh, and also oxygen bars!

If the sky was made of free beer would you still bother going to a bar to BUY beer? (And with that sentence, I complete my journey to becoming the world’s bestest thinker. Me smart!)

Do you realize these idiots are paying over a dollar a minute to breathe flavored air? Suck that concept up your nose holes and try to understand it. Oh, but it must be special oxygen because look at all those colorful beakers of bubbling potions! If it looks like science from the classic 60s Batman TV show it must be good!

The meaningless fun does not end there. If you are feeling a little frisky you can have one of the bartenders(?) mash a piece of hard plastic into your spine or dig out your brain with a German mind-scraper used in the late 17th century to extract homosexual fantasies and other demonic thoughts from your skull.

I quit.