“Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening.
Love like you’ve never been hurt
and live like it’s heaven on Earth.”
Fuck you like no one is watching. Go fuck yourself like no one is listening. Fuck off like you’ve never been fucked and suck my dick like it’s heaven on Earth!
I HATE shit like this so much! First of all, don’t tell me what to do. I don’t need some jackass wall “art” from Bed Bath and Beyond telling me how to live my life. Guess what asshole, you SHOULD dance like people are watching because they are and you look like a convulsing idiot. Maybe it’s best if you simply stop dancing, singing, loving and living altogether. And another thing, why is “altogether” one word? It’s like the word “nonetheless.” Stop showing off and just be separate words like everyone else!
Sorry, back to your shitty store-bought philosophy. It sucks.
MOTHER FUCK! I have been paying close attention to my stupid odometer for the last 200 miles in excited anticipation for that wonderful moment when I could watch all those little nines piss off, leaving a pristine 100000 on my odometer. Well, once again the world has taken a shit all over me! Yeah, that’s right, me missing this historic event is the worst thing to ever take place on this planet (other than the hideously disgusting conception and birth of Guy Fieri). Imagine the trauma I felt when I looked down today and saw that bullshit 100029 staring back at me. My heart sank and my eyes filled with tears. It was like 29 middle fingers aimed in my direction! I thought about driving head-on into the next semi truck just to teach my car’s bitch ass a lesson but that’s exactly the reaction my odometer wanted from me. So instead I will suffer through yet another tragedy in my life.
If I have to hear one more thing about these two drug-filled, incestuous, creepy turds fucking each other, I’m going to punch YOU in the face. I might even punch myself in the face. When I first learned that Mackenzie Phillips and her dad had consensual sex for 10 years, including the night before her wedding, I shit my pants, put on a new pair of pants and shit those pants. Isn’t it bad luck to fuck your dad the night before your wedding? I thought I read that in Brides Magazine. I don’t want to hear another word about it, I’m trying to eat here!
Has it really come to this? Motion detector air fresheners? Can I just put ALL air fresheners on my list so I can die in peace?
Imagine being so bored with life that you are willing to load two batteries and a scent cartridge into some ugly, plastic piece of shit just so your crappy house smells less like actual crap and more like artificial crap. The only problem is that all an air freshener really does is add the smell of a whore to the smell of the rotting food in your kitchen. Here’s an idea, spend more time cleaning your fucking house and maybe you wouldn’t need NASA-designed air fresheners to mask the smell of failure that hangs in your home.
Think of all the energy, chemicals and waste that go into making these dumb contraptions. You want your house to smell like “fresh linens?” WASH YOUR SHEETS you turd.
As much as I hate Glade Sense and Spray, nothing will ever be more idiotic than Scent Stories.
I don’t really care much either way about football, but in honor of the Chicago Bears opening game last night, I feel it is my duty to take a virtual dump all over one of the least thoughtful renovations of a historic landmark ever.
Solider Field was officially opened in 1924 and has been home to many historic events. In 2002 the city of Chicago and some other douchebags decided it was time to renovate the stadium but because the stadium was listed on the National Register of Historic Places, they could not monkey around with the existing structure too much. The solution? Drop a fucking ugly piece of shit INSIDE and ON TOP OF the existing Soldier Field. This has got to be the laziest, most thoughtless work of architecture that has ever made it from blueprints to construction. How the fuck did the city let this happen?
Guess what the first thing to happen was after these “improvements” were completed? It was swiftly and wisely removed from the National Register of Historic Places.
The dick heads responsible for this brilliant design, Benjamin T. Wood and Carlos E. Zapata, should be in architecture jail right next to Frank Gehry.
Sorry, this one was not very fun or funny, I’m too lazy to be creative. Blogging sucks.
I am in such a rage spiral right now I can’t even think of a way to make this funny. After watching these two clips of the Tyra Banks audience literally shitting their XXL panties and giving themselves spontaneous miscarriages over the fact that Tyra is showing them her “real” hair, I am now going to pray to God to take me while I sleep tonight. Please God, kill me. No, don’t just kill me, make me explode or burst into flames! In your name I pray.
There is no way I am the same species as these cackling twats. These fuckers make the Oprah audience look like Buddhist monks! How did this happen? How did we become so stupid? Were people always this vapid and I’m just noticing now because of the internet?
If I ever catch my child participating in anything that remotely resembles parkour or “free running” I am going straight to the nearest antique tool dealer, buying the largest, rustiest pre-civil war saw they own, driving back home and cutting his feet off. I’m serious, if I so much as see that kid walking on a curb or staring at a wall longingly, he can kiss those tootsies goodbye. Sure, he will complain about how “mean” I am blah blah blah, but what kid doesn’t bitch and moan about their parents? He will thank me later when he’s watching all those douchebags jumping around and falling on their faces, safely from the comfort of his wheelchair. He will look down at his gnarled stumps and think “Thank the good Lord above that I’m not wasting my time on this shit.” He will roll off into the setting sun to the sound of zitty teen faces slamming against the pavement and whisper “Thank you dad.”
Thanks to Jonathan for tipping me off to this Parkour scene from The Office!
If you are anything like me, these parkour accidents will give you a boner.
Sure, people look at me and say, “Steve, you are obviously the most awesome and cool guy in the IT dept, we all know this. But Steve, are you also fun? Do you cut loose on the weekends and have your gamer buddies over for some ice-cold Mountain Dews and a 5 hour Monty Python marathon on VHS?”
Well sir, might I direct your attention south about 18 inches? Yeah that’s right dummy, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you, that really IS Darth Vader on my tie!!! I know, right? I just blew your mind didn’t I? No seriously, I swear it’s a real neck tie. Go ahead, touch it.
What’s that? Where did I get this hilariously rebellious accessory? No no no, I think not young Skywalker, not ready are you. Wacky tie culture is not something you just jump into blindly.
That’s right corporate world, you will never stifle my joyous nature!
