You just made my list!

You know who wore Members Only jackets? My dad in 1985. You know who looked cool in his Members Only jacket? Nobody.

Nobody ever looked cool in a Members Only jacket but compared to this hipster turd, my dad looked like fucking Burt Reynolds. At least my dad was trying to look awesome, unlike hipsters who want you to believe they look like assholes on purpose. Ironic hipsters think they can hide the fact that they are dorks by making you believe they are dorky on purpose. American Apparel has based most of their products on this theory.

Well I for one have had enough of this bullshit, so ironic hipsters beware because I’m going to be shaving your mustaches and shredding your Members Only bullshit the next time I see you.

This is my biggest nightmare.

I am not a fan of fussy interior design, especially when it is taken to such an extreme. What kind of a psychotic maniac wants to spend 45 minutes every night excavating through a pile of pillows like some earthquake rescue worker? Oh and guess what, you get to spend most of your morning replacing these functionless pillows in just the right order while the rest of us normal people sleep in until the last possible second before work.

These pillow people are obviously unstable and could snap at any moment. Move one pillow out of order and you’ve got another Jeffrey Dahmer on your ass. Yeah, that’s right, these horrible pillow people are worse than Osama Bin Laden!

I really could have just titled this post “The hats worn by Pearl Jam’s Jeff Ament” and been done with it, but I didn’t want to cheat you out of my hilarious musings.

What is it with old white guys in shitty bands and their love affair with backwards Kangol, berets and other random dumb hats? Obviously a high percentage of these turds (especially Jeff Ament) wear these silly things in a sad attempt to fool the audience* into thinking a wild mane of thick, luxurious hair is waiting to spring forth from its hat cage. Unfortunately we all know the truth.

I can almost forgive the bald guys, but what’s really upsetting are the guys who actually think they look “cool” and youthful because they are rocking a beret. I think in their minds it’s sort of like the cliche of the bookish secretary who needs only to let down her hair and remove her glasses to suddenly look like a porn star. These guys come home after a long casual Friday, pop on the T-shirt/blazer combo, carefully place the Kangol hat at just the right angle that says “whatever man, I’m just hangin'” and, ta-da, the transformation from working stiff to rock star is complete!

I really take comfort in being better than everyone.

*audience = 5 people from their office who had to attend because they have run out of excuses.

First, I need to put myself on my list for watching NBC’s latest waste-of-video tape “I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!” three nights in a row. In fact, as I type this I am watching Janice Dickinson cry because John Salley called her a bitch and a motherfucker for spilling water in his boots and using his shampoo. Stephen Baldwin thinks he’s justified and Sanjaya just wants to chill on the hammock. Oddly, Patti Blagojevich is the most likable person on the show. I’m only watching because I want to see when the actual celebrities join the cast. I mean, they are going to have celebrities on this show at some point, right?

Anyhoo, thanks to this future Emmy-winner, I have been introduced to Janice Dickinson’s fleshy horror show that she calls a neck. I could probably type the night away about Janice Dickinson’s loathsome personality but it’s really her ghastly neck that has ruined my night. RUINED IT! I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to describe her neck and I think I figured it out. It looks like an enormous, veiny penis! Yeah, she’s a shriveled head sitting precariously on top of a beastly, repulsive monster cock.

I’m going to be sick.

Yeah, that’s right, at some point today I accidentally deleted 10+ hours worth of work. The end result is 1) I don’t feel like writing about anything tonight (sorry) and 2) I’m going to get drunk.

Please continue yesterday’s discussion about whether or not little people are, in fact, people.

My life is a nightmare.

Why is it when I order spaghetti, penne or gnocchi in an Italian restaurant, they give me a bowl the size of an above-ground pool, but when I order ravioli I am handed a plate so void of food I think I might be part of a hilarious hidden-camera prank show? Remind me again why these 4 raviolis are more expensive than a bathtub full of noodles? I’m hungry god damn it, now go back into that kitchen and get me some more ravi-fucking-oli!

I’m going to keep this short because this subject literally elevates my heart rate to a dangerous level.

There really is absolutely no reason we should have to debate gay marriage. Not only is it un-American to deny this right, it is inhumane. Why the fucking fuck would anyone give a shit if two people who love each other want to get married?!? It’s so ridiculous that I honestly can barely gather my thoughts enough to finish this.

The fact that two people get married, whether they be straight or gay, has nothing to do with your existence. Life will go on exactly the same so worry about your happiness and don’t deny others theirs.

One more thing, if you support gay marriage and are straight you should still be out there protesting. This is an issue of basic civil rights and we should stand together.

Hey thanks for handing me that towel that was 1 inch away from my hand, I would say that’s worth about a dollar. And let me also thank you for staring at me from your little stool while I took a piss, it did not make me the least bit uncomfortable. Now, if there was just someplace nearby for me to get an extra splash of Drakkar Noir. What’s that you say, YOU have Drakkar Noir? Right here in the BATHROOM? Kind sir, you are a life saver! Just give me a $1 stick of gum and I will be on my way. Whoops, I’ve spent so much time shopping in the bathroom that now I have to go poop. What does it cost for you to wipe me?

Since most bathroom attendants are sad looking old guys I’m not actually putting them on my list, it’s really just the concept of the modern-day bathroom attendant that upsets me. I say modern attendant because I’m sure there was a time, back when people got dressed up to go out, when these people were slightly more necessary. But now that every fat ass is walking around in denim shorts and Crocs, it just seems weird to have a guy in a tuxedo sitting in the bathroom.

I always cringe when I walk into a bathroom and see an attendant. I often try to decide if it would just be easier to pee my pants and get the hell out of there. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to pay a guy to hand me a towel!

However, the one thing that makes these guys awesome is when they fill the urinals with ice. Oh sweet lord, I love to pee on ice!