You just made my list!

No problem, paint your horrible face while you drive. As long as you got an additional two minutes of sleep this morning, it’s worth running over a few kids on your way to your sad, grey cubicle.

And don’t worry about me, I’ll just go ahead and drive through this Dunkin’ Donuts so that you may drive in every lane. I was in the mood for a “Today’s Special” anyway. Hey that reminds me…

Why the fuck has the Dunkin’ Donuts “Today’s Special” been the same God damn doughnut for all of my adult life? Don’t get me wrong, a glazed doughnut covered in chocolate frosting and half covered in sprinkles from Dunkin’ Donuts is awesome, but I think they are confused about the word special. Unless they are trying to say this doughnut is retarded, they need to mix it up a bit. And what’s up with the half sprinkles? If I wanted an abstract work of art I would… well, I wouldn’t want a piece of abstract art so I don’t need your creative sprinkle configuration either. Knock off this under-achiever attitude towards sprinkles and throw some other doughnuts into the mix. That would truly be special.

I’m not sure how many other cities have these electronic bus ads so this post might be meaningless to most people. Here goes anyway…

I was parked at a red light tonight, minding my own business, trying to decide if I should pop in my Nickelback or my Creed CD into the stereo, when all of a sudden my car filled with blue light. I thought a UFO had landed next to me so I figured I might as well pull down my pants and bend over for the inevitable probing. So there I was on a busy Chicago street bent over with my pants around my ankles, waiting for a little gray man to stick his E.T. finger up my butt. Well, turns out I really had egg on my face when I realized it was just an obnoxiously bright LED ad on the side of a CTA bus that pulled up next to me. I really felt like a first class stinker head!

These ads are fucking dangerous! I was literally blinded by a tampon ad when I casually looked out my car window. Do you know how pissed I would be if the last thing I saw on this earth was a 4 foot glowing tampon?

Oh, in case you were wondering, I decided to put both the Nickelback CD AND the Creed CD in at the same time. I had to eject them after only a few seconds though because blood and feces began to shoot out of the speakers.

90% of the time when I’m driving and I see another driver make a jackass move, they are busy texting away. I drive up next to them and give them a look that says, “I disapprove of you and your ways.” 92% of the time I am stranded behind someone at a stop sign or a green light it’s because the car in front of me is texting their friend important information like “I M in car, B ther in 5. LOL.” I’m not sure why they are texting LOL at the end of that but I’m sure they are.

Get off your fucking phone and stop driving like you are playing Grand Theft Auto and purposely trying to run down prostitutes.

That is, unless you are me.

I was recently awarded the “World’s Best Driver” award from the International Federation of Driving Arts and Being Awesome. Yeah, I’m that good at driving. I’m even better at driving while writing emails, buying shit on eBay, texting, playing PacMan and looking at porn on my iPhone. I once watched an entire season of Lost on my phone while driving 115 miles per hour through the desert. I wasn’t even wearing a shirt for Christ’s sake!

You, on the other hand, drive like a cockknuckle while texting on your less-cool-than-the-iPhone phone of yours. The next time your texting gets in the way of my trip to Red Lobster, I’m going to pull up next to you and pee in your window. You have been warned.

Speaking of texting, I would like to admit to the dumbest idea I have ever had. I am ashamed of myself for this “invention” but I feel that sharing it will somehow cleanse me. Here goes…

I was driving and thought “Wouldn’t it be easier to text if I could just speak into the phone and it would use voice recognition to create a text?” Well idiot, here’s an idea, instead of speaking a text message how’s about you just fucking call the other person and SPEAK it directly to them. I hate myself for being that dumb.

MOTHER FUCK! I have been paying close attention to my stupid odometer for the last 200 miles in excited anticipation for that wonderful moment when I could watch all those little nines piss off, leaving a pristine 100000 on my odometer. Well, once again the world has taken a shit all over me! Yeah, that’s right, me missing this historic event is the worst thing to ever take place on this planet (other than the hideously disgusting conception and birth of Guy Fieri). Imagine the trauma I felt when I looked down today and saw that bullshit 100029 staring back at me. My heart sank and my eyes filled with tears. It was like 29 middle fingers aimed in my direction! I thought about driving head-on into the next semi truck just to teach my car’s bitch ass a lesson but that’s exactly the reaction my odometer wanted from me. So instead I will suffer through yet another tragedy in my life.

If you are anyone other than a suburban mom over the age of 50 and you own a PT Cruiser, it’s time to figure out exactly where it all went wrong. Loosen your novelty tie and take a moment to really think about your life.

On a side note… I’m up to my sunglasses (which I wear on the back of my neck in an attempt to be as money as Guy Fieri) in shit to do this week and have decided to neglect my website for a couple days. I realize this will ruin your life but I will be back in a couple days with my important opinions.

Speaking of cars… My friend (yes I have friends) sent me this link to some awesome photos of people driving.

Yeah, I know, why can’t I just enjoy wacky art cars like everyone else? Shut up hippie, don’t you have some armpits to not wash?

While you are excitedly posing for a photo with these cluster fucks, I shoot hate lasers out of my eyes at you. You can’t feel it, but from my point-of-view, it’s pretty devastating. I can’t decide who I hate more, you for liking these dumb cars, or the hippie turd who spent the last 5 years gluing doll heads and action figures to his mom’s car when he could have used that time showering. It’s such a sad cry for attention, even more so than blogging.

The thing is, there is no art involved in the creation of an art car. Sticking dirty toys to something is not art. These lazy hippies can’t even come up with an idea more original than doll heads and Happy Meal toys. Does anyone like hippies? I don’t even think hippies like hippies.

I’m tired. This post sucked. It sucked, but not as much as art cars, you hippie.

Thanks for giving me the names of all your kids, it will be much easier to kidnap “Boogers” from the playground with that info.

These stupid bumper stickers have been mentioned in comments before on this site, but it’s time they got their due. They have more than earned their place on my list. I don’t give a shit about your stupid anorexic family, I just want to drive behind your slow-moving minivan in peace. I don’t need to know the intimate details of your life. I don’t need the pressure of trying to figure out everyone’s hobbies from the rudimentary cave drawings you have provided. Perhaps you could also display your tax returns for the last 3 years, your resume and the kids’ grades? Tell me, who is Booger’s favorite Jonas Brother?

The thing that really bothers me about this crap is everyone’s willingness to be the same. I hate fads. I guarantee these turds have a box of “valuable” Beanie Babies collecting dust in their basement and a full assortment of Crocs waiting by the door. It’s ironic that these decals end up making every family look exactly the same.

I hate it when other people are happy.

A wave of panic just came over me because I realized this post is going to SUCK!

While I sat alone in my car eating dark chocolate Hersey’s Kisses this afternoon (yeah, it’s a lonely life) I watched this lady struggle for about 4 minutes with her windshield sun visor. It would go up, wiggle around a little, then come back down. I watched this happen for about 1/2 a bag of Kisses. For the record, I go to the gym a few times a week, so I’m fucking allowed to eat a bag of chocolate by myself in a parking lot if I want. What makes your life so perfect? Huh? Huh? You want a piece of me?*

Anyhoo… this dipshit probably spent more time setting up this visor then than she spent in the drug store picking up adult diapers and a box of Shamwows. Hey, I just thought of something… Shamwow Diapers!

What is the point of this? The point is, it wasn’t even hot today!

God, this is a dumb post. I promise after a little weekend rest I will stop sucking so much.

*Said while pulling off shirt and spitting dark chocolate