Tag Archive 'children'

Dec 17 2010

Kidz Bop!

kidz bop

Is it wrong to want to hurt children?

Am I a bad person for fantasizing about punching these tiny turds (girls included) square in the face? It seems like maybe that’s wrong somehow.

The basic premise is “music sung by kids, for kids,” but why? If you want your kids to listen to shitty music why not just let them listen to the original shitty versions? I PROMISE you Train’s version of “Hey Soul Sister” is adequately filled with shit and gains nothing by being performed by shitty theater brats with shit-eating grins on their shitty faces. SHIT! Just think of the sound of all their little teeth hitting the floor.

Here’s an idea… let your kids listen to real music! This is your opportunity as a parent to cram some good taste down their throats. Kids, or kidz, can comprehend and enjoy music sung by adults. Listening to Kidz Bop is like taking your child to a 9-year-old dentist.

On a side note, while researching Kidz Bop (PAINFUL) I discovered these hair-dos. Maybe they are famous? Stereo Skyline, anyone? I am speechless.

stereo skyline naked nude

15 responses so far

Dec 07 2010

American Girl dolls!

american girl store - tea party

If you would like to climb inside my mind and get a better feel of my mental state when I think about The American Girl Store, I suggest you turn your speakers up as loudly as they will go, tape them to your head with duct tape, smash a habanero chili into your eyes, knock your teeth out with a hammer and play the video below.

I fucking despise The American Girl Store and the army of rich, white 8-year-old zombies they are grooming to take over the planet. If my daughter asked for an American Girl doll I would kindly ask her to pack whatever she could fit into a paper sack and then she and I would take a leisurely drive to the orphanage. The uncomfortable silence of the car ride would only be broken when I softly say, “You are no longer my child” from a rolled down car window as the nuns take her and her paper sack into her new home.

“What’s the big deal, it’s just dolls” you say. After I’m done throwing my beer in your face I will tell you what the big deal is. Here’s the way it works… first you have to be a rich white girl. Second, you have to have a bat-shit crazy mother who is trying to compensate for her own fucked up childhood and thinks it perfectly normal to spend several hundred dollars taking you and your fucking piece-of-shit doll for a day of pampering most adults can only dream of. These soulless zombie dolls spend the day getting their hair styled, attending tea parties, buying expensive clothing, snorting top notch Colombian cocaine off a Huey Lewis and the News CD while getting jerked off in a 1993 Honda Civic in the Burger King parking lot near the airport. Wait, somehow that turned into my day.

The point is this, FUCK YOU and your fucking doll that’s dressed like you and is an asshole like you even though you are only 9 and fuck your overnight stays at the Ritz for the low low starting price of only $430 “for a moderate room.”

Take the pain away, Abominable Iron Sloth!

39 responses so far

Nov 10 2010

Hungry Hungry Hippos!

hungry hungry hippos sucks

Yeah, that’s right, Hungry Hungry Hippos sucks and it’s about time someone was brave enough to say it.

This is where you get all angry and proclaim “It’s a classic!” to which I reply, “It’s a classic piece of shit, just like the Titanic was a classic ship or the Hindenburg was a totally classic way to travel.” I am so tired of being right all the time.

What good is a game with zero strategy that takes zero skill to play? You literally only need a finger and the ability to slightly move said finger. What’s that? Don’t have a finger? Fine, use your toe. I’m sorry, you don’t have arms OR legs? No biggie, use your tongue, your goal to eat balls will not be affected.

According to Wikipedia, which is never wrong, Hungry Hungry Hippos was invented by Hasbro senior game designer, Dickass McShitstain, while high on ether.

Fuck off Hungry Hungry Hippos.

13 responses so far

Oct 21 2010


rare precious moments figurines very rare

When I walk in to a house and see one of those awful display cabinets filled with little porcelain clowns and angel statuettes I immediately know two things… 1) I accidentally walked into the wrong house and 2) I am within 15 feet of a TV playing America’s Funniest Home Videos… ON A VCR!

In general, I hate clutter and believe less is more when it comes to home decoration and nothing is more horrifically cluttery than a small army of Precious Moments figurines staring you down with their giant heads and soulless eyes. Get a room! I really don’t need to have your filthy toddler love and under-aged romance shoved in my face. How do you think it makes me feel when I’m home alone, drunk, with no girlfriend* and no chance for sex in the near future but somehow these two children have managed to meet, date, fall in love, get engaged, plan a wedding, PAY for a wedding and go to Disney World on their honeymoon, all at the ripe old age of seven? What’s so fucking Precious about that?

We’ll see how long it lasts.

*Sorry ladies, I actually have a girlfriend.

31 responses so far

Aug 02 2010


Outerscope II creepy puppets

Buckle up because you WILL have nightmares tonight.

I don’t like puppets. I especially don’t like puppets from the 70s and 80s. OK, I guess the puppets of Sesame Street were badass (not that piece of shit Elmo) but most other puppets from that era look like fucking burn victims. Burn victims who want to lure you into their van and stick you in a secret room under their back yard. I’m amazed that the children’s programming I watched as a kid didn’t cause me to go crazy and kill my parents in their sleep.

Let’s start with a show that, sadly, I grew up watching, Gigglesnort Hotel. In this hotel, a human named B.J. is forced to live and work with a dragon named “Dirty,” a bell boy named “Weird,” a faceless hunk of clay named “Blob” and a bunch of other freakish puppets. Truth be told, it’s a pretty shitty hotel and I can’t imagine it getting more than 1.5 stars on Yelp. I would also like to mention that occasionally a bad guy shaped like a lemon would throw bad jokes out of a helicopter and cause anyone who read the jokes to become horribly deformed. But have no fear, “Weird” would become a superhero named “The Shusher” whose only power was to quietly shush people. WHAT? My parents are lucky they got out alive.

Gigglesnort Hotel

One of the best ways to make a puppet creepy is to give it human hands. I can’t figure out how old these horrible creatures from Peppermint Park are supposed to be. They look like they belong in the AARP and yet the sight of bubbles sends them into an excited frenzy. I also like that they suggest putting newspapers on the floor before blowing bubbles indoors. Huh? Is that because the excitement is going to cause you to shit your little puppet pants?

Peppermint Park

I vaguely remember Outerscope II but I think I have pushed it way way back into that dark part of my brain that tries to forget such horrible things. In this scene, Henry, who looks like a young George Costanza, falls in love with a rocking horse and fucks it in the ass while the other children read a diary entry about a dying Indian. Hurry kids, you’re going to be late for school!

Outerscope II

This clip is supposed to prevent house fires but if I saw this as a kid the first thing I would do is burn my house down to keep the demons away. This clip reminds me of this fetish.

And this brings us to the perfect storm of creepy…
Puppets + Clowns + Jesus + Hugs = Your worst childhood memory.

27 responses so far

Jun 18 2010

Parents who leash their kids!

children on leash

Want to go for a walk? Who wants to go for a walk? Who’s a good boy? Go get your leash. Go get your leash! Get your leash boy, it’s time for school.

The kind of parents who walk their kids around like dogs will tell you they do it to keep their children safe but the truth is that they are lazy. They are not prepared for the responsibility of keeping a watchful eye on their child so they opt for walking them around like Marmaduke. Why bother with diapers, just open up the patio door and send Timmy out to make in the back yard.

I miss the old kind of lazy parenting, the kind where mommy would tell you to go ride your bike for 10 hours so she could sunbathe in the back yard with a cigarette and a gin & tonic. The kind that encouraged a steady diet of bologna and soda and never had the time for a car seat. I miss my childhood.

The new wave of lazy parents are no fun.

And the Mother of the Year award goes to…

39 responses so far

Jun 11 2010

Veronica Robinson for breastfeeding her 8-year-old!

Published by under Why?!?

veronica robinson breastfeeding her 8-year-old

Veronica Robinson can try and wrap this madness up in her cute little Harry Potter accent, but this insanity is straight up Deliverance banjo-picking-butt-fucking territory!

Mrs. Robinson (hmmmm, interesting) believes her children should decide on their own at what age to stop sucking milk out of her body. Really? I guess that’s because children make such good decisions on their own. Most of my brilliant decisions around the age of 8 involved setting things on fire or falling off things. If you want to put it in food terms, my 8-year-old brain would happily tell my 8-year-old mouth to eat an entire box of Cap’n Crunch until my gums were bleeding.

This nut actually says, with a straight face, that her children can’t breastfeed forever because eventually they have to go to college and/or get married. I have news for you, marriage is not in your daughter’s futures and judging from the pictures they like to draw of your tits the best they can hope for is a life in fetish porn.

I think her daughter sums it up best when she says she would “rather have lots of breast milk than a million melons.” I think her other daughter sums it up even better when she says, “Mmmmm…grunt…swallow.”

What the fucking fuck?

30 responses so far

Jun 09 2010

The Karate Kid 2010 with Jaden Smith!

the karate kid 2010 with Jaden Smith sucks

Take me now lord, I’m ready.

You know what sucked? The first Karate Kid movie! Yeah that’s right, the original Karate Kid with Ralph Macchio, Mr. Miyagi and everyone’s favorite blond bad boy Johnny Lawrence was a steaming pile of shit. You only liked it because you were 10 years old and fell asleep nightly to the fantasy of kicking the ass of that older kid who ripped your parachute pants and took your Merlin.*

If the 1984 Karate Kid was a piece of shit then consider the 2010 version with Jackie Chan and that insufferable brat Jaden Smith a piece of shit that was eaten by a dog, barfed up and re-eaten by another dog and re-shat upon a hot summer sidewalk. I can’t change the channel fast enough when I see one of the self-righteous Smith clan on my TV. In fact, the other night I could not find the remote when the Karate Kid commercial came on and I literally had to move to a new house. I fucking walked right out the door, left everything behind and started a new life.

Oh, the nightmare does not end with the movie. Watch the following Justin Bieber music video for “Never Say Never” at your own risk. It’s good to see Jaden Smith continue the long Smith legacy of horribly bland rap. Justin Bieber looks like Chuck D. compared to Smith in this clip.


29 responses so far

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