Some of you have asked if my recent absence from the site and selling of all my possessions is related to my impending suicide. The answer to that question used to be no, but now that I am aware that laser guided scissors exist… It’s hard to say. In fact, I might even buy one of these useless pieces of shit and aim that laser right over my wrists. It would truly be fitting that the object that makes me want to kill myself is the item that actually does the killing.
Can we make a rule? When mankind has figured out how to end, or even reduce, world hunger and global warming, THEN and only then can we stick lasers to scissors and crayons and forks and whatever the fuck we want to. Until then, lasers can only be used for levels, Pink Floyd laser shows and to aim tasers at shirtless drunks on COPS. All you scrapbookers are out of luck until then.
And guess what motherfucker, your laser-guided space scissors aren’t going to do shit! Think about it, the laser is supposed to offer a guide for you to follow. If your stupid laser is attached to your stupid scissors, every time you move your stupid scissors your stupid laser moves too, stupid. Imagine if the lines in the road were attached to your car, in your mind you would always be driving right down the middle of the road.
It’s official, I relate to nothing. I am digging a hole in the dirt where I shall live until I die.
Have you ever written a grocery list and thought “This is just too quick and easy. There’s got to be a harder way.” You are in luck! The SmartShopper Deluxe Grocery List Organizer takes the convenience of quickly hand writing a list and turns it into an elaborate, complicated task.
With the SmartShopper, you just speak your list one item at a time into your magic list robot. After each item, simply wait 5 seconds for the robot to figure out what you have said. When the robot displays a list of the words you might have spoken, you scroll through the list and find the word you want. At this stage you can also remind yourself that you have a coupon for that item with the touch of several buttons. And just like that, after only 2 minutes you have one item on your grocery list! Pour yourself a glass of wine because your ass is going to be making that list for the next 45 minutes. It’s just that hard!
But wait, how will you remember this list while at the grocery store? Do you rip your robot off the wall and bring him? No, you big fucking idiot, all you do is hit ‘print’ and your robot will start pooping out your list in under 2 hours! Go watch a movie or paint the garage at this stage because your list robot likes to be alone as it slowly handcrafts each letter.
Hey, want to make the world implode? Just watch this clip of Rachel Ray and her audience of cackling morons have g-spot orgasms when the SmartShopper cures cancer. Oh wait, I meant to say when the SmartShopper recognizes the word “garlic.”
Watch the SmartShopper in action with a real life mom! If you need me I will be in my dirt hole.
How many blades do we need? This is outrageous! Outrageously AWESOME!
Yeah, I was once an idiot like you. I would sit around all day saying “Five blades is too many, what is with this crazy nonsense?” I would mock razor commercials touting their 2 blades, then their 3 blades, next 4 blades! “When will this end?” I thought to myself. I am here to tell you it should never end!
A few years ago a free Gillette Fusion razor showed up in my mail like an unwanted, screaming baby left on a church doorstep. I wanted to punch it in its face. That cocky son of a bitch thought it was so fucking cool with its five blades. It remained untouched until one day when I realized I was out of razors. I reluctantly opened the package and placed the ridiculously large collection of blades to my handsome face. Listen to me when I tell you that a unicorn flew out of my butt as I pulled the razor across my skin for the first time.
You think five blades is enough? Guess again dick head, the Fusion has a sixth blade hiding on the backside for all your hard to get areas. You can even shave inside your god damn nose with that sixth blade!
I want to make sure you understand that I am not being hilarious and sarcastic, I really DO love this razor! Five blades really DO make a huge difference. I bet seven blades would be even more awesome. Why stop there, give me ten or twelve blades! Make a glove covered in 100 razors and I will use it.
I’m not sure how many other cities have these electronic bus ads so this post might be meaningless to most people. Here goes anyway…
I was parked at a red light tonight, minding my own business, trying to decide if I should pop in my Nickelback or my Creed CD into the stereo, when all of a sudden my car filled with blue light. I thought a UFO had landed next to me so I figured I might as well pull down my pants and bend over for the inevitable probing. So there I was on a busy Chicago street bent over with my pants around my ankles, waiting for a little gray man to stick his E.T. finger up my butt. Well, turns out I really had egg on my face when I realized it was just an obnoxiously bright LED ad on the side of a CTA bus that pulled up next to me. I really felt like a first class stinker head!
These ads are fucking dangerous! I was literally blinded by a tampon ad when I casually looked out my car window. Do you know how pissed I would be if the last thing I saw on this earth was a 4 foot glowing tampon?
Oh, in case you were wondering, I decided to put both the Nickelback CD AND the Creed CD in at the same time. I had to eject them after only a few seconds though because blood and feces began to shoot out of the speakers.
Don’t panic fans of the Magic Eraser, this is a rare collector’s edition post about something I LIKE! Like? Fuck that, I love the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I want to marry the Magic Eraser and have a cold beer waiting for it as soon as it walks in the door after a long day of awesomely cleaning shit up. The Magic Eraser is the single greatest invention on the face of this planet.
Don’t try to tell me in your annoying voice that, “The computer is the most important invention ever” because you are wrong and you are an idiot for thinking that. That is, unless you are using your stupid computer for purchasing Magic Erasers.
Magic Eraser is to sponge, what Jesus is to babies born in barns. Even Mr. Jesus Christ scratches his head in disbelief when cleaning up various surfaces in heaven with a Magic Eraser and thinks, “Oh my dad, this thing is amazing!”
If you have never tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser you are a moron and a jerk. You are a loser and your house is dirty. Your light switches are covered in smudges and your refrigerator handles are filthy. No wonder girls never want to have sex with you.
Has it really come to this? Motion detector air fresheners? Can I just put ALL air fresheners on my list so I can die in peace?
Imagine being so bored with life that you are willing to load two batteries and a scent cartridge into some ugly, plastic piece of shit just so your crappy house smells less like actual crap and more like artificial crap. The only problem is that all an air freshener really does is add the smell of a whore to the smell of the rotting food in your kitchen. Here’s an idea, spend more time cleaning your fucking house and maybe you wouldn’t need NASA-designed air fresheners to mask the smell of failure that hangs in your home.
Think of all the energy, chemicals and waste that go into making these dumb contraptions. You want your house to smell like “fresh linens?” WASH YOUR SHEETS you turd.
As much as I hate Glade Sense and Spray, nothing will ever be more idiotic than Scent Stories.
Right now you are correctly asking yourself, “What is this ‘Shack’ that all my friends are constantly talking about? Is it the latest trendy nightclub? Is it a sexually transmitted disease?” You idiot! It’s the god damn, motherfucking Radio Shack, bitch!
Much like Miracle Whip, Radio Shack is about to dial up their attitude and punch you in the face with their dick, and if you don’t like it you can kiss their ass right through their skinny jeans. I’m sure you’ve been on the subway and overheard a couple young hipsters in Flaming Lips T-shirts talking about cruisin’ on down to The Shack to pick up some 4700µF 35V 20% Axial-Lead Electrolytic Capacitors before going to the liquor store to pick up a sixy of PBRs. BOOYAH!
I was just at Lollapalooza and all I heard in the audience was “Shack this” and “Shack that.” In fact, Snoop Dogg spent half of his set giving shout-outs like “Where my bitches at? Where my 20A 250V Ceramic Fuses at? Raise your 4A, 400V Full-Wave Bridge Rectifiers in the motherfucking air, and wave ’em like they are rated 4-amps, with 400 Peak Inverse Voltage!”
Have you seen this banner ad online yet? I see it, plus other variations, all the time and it just does not sit well with me. It makes me want to shower. My brain wants desperately to figure out which photo is “before” and which is “after” but all I see is before and more before. I have been waking up in the middle of the night, soaked in sweat, screaming “BEFORE! BEFORE!”
I did a little nosing around about this ad and the site “cathysteeth.com” that it advertises. Turns out there are about 100 variations of this “mom’s blog” all telling the same story but from the beautiful white mouths of different fake moms. Just google the following sentence and you will see what I mean…
I discovered a two-product combination that works better than anyone could have expected
I used to just hate the ad because it made me physically ill, but now I hate it because it’s just another example of people trying to scam each other. Fuck everyone. Not you though, you are my favorite.
