1. Be white. The whiter the better. Try to be almost clear if possible.
2. Be drunk and/or high at least 65% of any given day.
3. Be so incredibly stupid that when you aren’t drunk and/or high it’s impossible to tell the difference.
4. Be poor.
5. Be shaped like a beanbag chair. Alternatively, be shockingly skinny from crystal meth abuse.
6. Have lots of free time. Don’t let bullshit like school or a job get in the way of your Juggalo activities. That fat face isn’t going to paint itself.
7. Love to braid your hair.
8. Have crooked hands. I don’t know what it is but anytime I see a photo of a Juggalo their hands and fingers are all twisted up. I wonder if this is caused by a steady diet of Faygo, off-brand beef sticks and video games.
9. Be in a wheelchair. Juggalos in wheelchairs get extra bonus points!
10. Be amazed and perplexed by magnets.
Gallery of parental failure:
“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?”
You squeeze. You smash. You stomp. You use a hammer, but still you can’t manage the simple task of applying toothpaste to your brush!
There has got to be a less-reasonable way!
Your pathetic dumb ass is in luck. Introducing Touch-N-Brush, the magic toothpaste machine that does all the work while you do nothing more complicated than sticking something into something. It’s so easy even an idiot like you can get the hang of it after only 30 or 40 tries.
Thanks to your new toothpaste robot, you will never have to clean the bathroom again! Sticky bathroom sinks are a thing of the past, unless you have a teenage son, because I promise you that kid is jerking off in that sink at least twice a week. Probably the kitchen sink too. What is wrong with that kid?
Did your husband throw you down the stairs for walking in front of the TV during Monday Night Football? No problem pretty lady, you can still use Touch-N-Brush with only one arm. One fucking arm! Can you fucking believe that shit?
Are your kids also too stupid to operate toothpaste? Fuck ’em, who cares about those little shits. If it wasn’t for them you would probably be the world’s most awesome and cool and most richest rock star. Those kids stole your dream, Steve, so let their little mouths bleed.
“But what if I accidentally put rat poison in my Touch-N-Brush, will the dang thing kill me and my family?” Yes, yes it will.
I rarely (maybe never) personally call out people who leave moronic comments on this website, mostly because a majority of the comments I receive are pretty decent. When I say “decent” I don’t only mean people who agree with me, there have been plenty of intelligent comments that disagree with my opinions (even though I am always right). But the thing most of my readers do not realize is that I am flooded with comments on old posts on a daily basis. There are some crazy back and forth arguments that go unnoticed by most readers.
At this point I should admit that I LOVE hate mail, I honestly do. The hate mail I receive is some of the most entertaining reading material I get to experience and it usually just reinforces my awesome opinions on any given subject.
I realize it’s kind of lazy for me to write about this subject but I wanted to share a comment I received this weekend concerning those prancing, lip-syncing turds, Celtic Thunder. Actually I get a lot of funny hate mail on that one but this one really made me happy. It’s not the craziest comment I have seen but it still made my day. I don’t even need to explain why it’s ridiculous, just site back and enjoy…
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS PERSON CELTIC THUNDER ARE THE BEST SINGERS IN THE WORLD (ESPECIALLY DAMIAN AND RYAN) AND WHO EVER WROTE THIS ARTICLE I’M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN.!
YOU LITTLE IMMATURE FREAK SHOW GET A FUCKIN LIFE YOUR JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY HAVE MORE TALENT IN ONE HAIR STRAND ON THERE HEAD THEN YOU DO ON YOUR WHOLE ENTIRE BODY. JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SHIT HEAD, FUCK OFF, THEN GO AND EAT SHIT OUT OF A DITCH YOU SHITTY ASSHOLE!!!!!!……SUCK THAT…..WHAT!
Well, the end of the world is officially upon us, this guy is on a hit TV show.
Not only is there one “reality” show about the incredible action that takes place at the pawn shop, there is now a second show on its way to that TV of yours that one day, if you are lucky, you will be pawning on a TV show about pawn shops. The circle of life.
The first show to break the pawn cherry was “Pawn Stars” on the History channel. Wait, did I just say the History Channel? I must have accidentally said the History Channel because clearly there is no room to squeeze such a mindless show into their full lineup of Hitler-related entertainment. I mean, come ON, it’s a show about people selling their crap to buy drugs, how can it be on the History Channel?
Can’t get enough of people hocking watches and bowling balls? You are in luck because TruTV (whatever the fuck that is) is about to shove “Hardcore Pawn” down your various head holes. Oh boy, I can’t wait to see people argue over the value of uncle Eddie’s class ring!
By the way, see what they did there? Both shows had the incredibly hilarious idea to exchange the word “porn” for “pawn.” HOLY SHIT, that is rich! Now, I’m just thinking off the top of my head here, just a little brainstorming… I’m thinking Nickelodeon needs to immediately start developing “Kiddie Pawn” if they want to ride this amazing pawn wave all the way to the bank. Don’t be the only channel without a pawn shop show, Nickelodeon!
I’m sorry but this is bullshit! First, the love of my life goes and marries that stupid Irving (I’m twice the man) and now she has the balls to call it quits and leave us in the dark with only our feeble imaginations to guide us through Cathy’s future! ARE YOU AACKING KIDDING ME?
Now you listen to me Cathy and you listen good, I don’t want to live in a world without you and your mundane problems, and I sure as HELL don’t want to lie awake at night wondering how your job at Product Testing, Inc. is going or if you were able to find a bathing suit that actually fits for once!
I was fully prepared to watch you grow old and die but you just had to fucking ruin everything. So much for the Cathy funeral I had planned. Happy?
Of course you aren’t happy, you never are. “I’m eating too much chocolate… My cat keeps me up at night… Irving’s mother is overbearing… I can’t find my keys… Aack this… Aack that!”
You know, on second thought, who needs you and your problems? I have enough to deal with, lady!
Who am I kidding? I take one look at you in that robe and I fall right back in love with you. You melt my heart faster than a box of chocolates accidentally left in the car. Goodbye sweet sweet Cathy, I will see you in my dreams (my wet dreams).
Ladies, have you ever wanted to transform your jiggling fat rolls into solid hunks of slightly less gelatinous fat? Have you ever wanted to go from a size 53-inch waist down to an incredible 52-inch waist? Do you want to go from looking like fat 1992 Rosanne Barr to the incredibly sexy 2010 Rosie O’Donnell? And most importantly, do you want to reshape your neglected body without making a single lifestyle change or watching what you shovel into your mouth cave?
Then let’s start celebrating with a sack of cake because the Kymaro Body Shaper is about to rock your fat ass!
Why waste all that time at the gym when you can simply cram yourself into a giant sock? Eat what you want and let the magic Kymaro do all the work. Hey, it’s not even your fault that you’re overweight, it’s that damn fat gene that they are always talking about on the news! God did this to you, not Pizza Hut and Mountain Dew!
Some people are just genetically fat and no amount of McNuggets or ice cream can stop them from gaining weight. For example, look at this poor woman below. You can clearly see why she needs an elaborate device to control all that disgusting fat all over her body. When I think about the unlucky guy who has to have sex with this woman… I want to be sick.
Sure, there’s going to be an awkward moment when the young stud in the Affliction shirt you lure back to your apartment sees you naked for the first time. He thought he was going home with Brooke Burke but once you squeeze out of your little space suit there, he’s staring down Delta Burke. Yes, he will start making excuses and will bolt for the door but luckily you are now big enough to fill it.
I think the infomercial host sums it up best when she says, “Keep your doughnuts.” Yes America, keep your doughnuts. Keep them in your cold dead mouth!
Buckle up because you WILL have nightmares tonight.
I don’t like puppets. I especially don’t like puppets from the 70s and 80s. OK, I guess the puppets of Sesame Street were badass (not that piece of shit Elmo) but most other puppets from that era look like fucking burn victims. Burn victims who want to lure you into their van and stick you in a secret room under their back yard. I’m amazed that the children’s programming I watched as a kid didn’t cause me to go crazy and kill my parents in their sleep.
Let’s start with a show that, sadly, I grew up watching, Gigglesnort Hotel. In this hotel, a human named B.J. is forced to live and work with a dragon named “Dirty,” a bell boy named “Weird,” a faceless hunk of clay named “Blob” and a bunch of other freakish puppets. Truth be told, it’s a pretty shitty hotel and I can’t imagine it getting more than 1.5 stars on Yelp. I would also like to mention that occasionally a bad guy shaped like a lemon would throw bad jokes out of a helicopter and cause anyone who read the jokes to become horribly deformed. But have no fear, “Weird” would become a superhero named “The Shusher” whose only power was to quietly shush people. WHAT? My parents are lucky they got out alive.
Gigglesnort Hotel
One of the best ways to make a puppet creepy is to give it human hands. I can’t figure out how old these horrible creatures from Peppermint Park are supposed to be. They look like they belong in the AARP and yet the sight of bubbles sends them into an excited frenzy. I also like that they suggest putting newspapers on the floor before blowing bubbles indoors. Huh? Is that because the excitement is going to cause you to shit your little puppet pants?
Peppermint Park
I vaguely remember Outerscope II but I think I have pushed it way way back into that dark part of my brain that tries to forget such horrible things. In this scene, Henry, who looks like a young George Costanza, falls in love with a rocking horse and fucks it in the ass while the other children read a diary entry about a dying Indian. Hurry kids, you’re going to be late for school!
Outerscope II
This clip is supposed to prevent house fires but if I saw this as a kid the first thing I would do is burn my house down to keep the demons away. This clip reminds me of this fetish.
And this brings us to the perfect storm of creepy…
Puppets + Clowns + Jesus + Hugs = Your worst childhood memory.
If only there was a way to combine my love of sandwiches with tennis ball packaging.
From now on when I head to a kickass beach party I’m grabbing a six-pack of Coors Light and a sixer of BBQ chicken sandwiches. I’m also bringing a six-pack of condoms because when the ladies see me pop the top off a fresh sammie they’re going to be like, “I wish that guy eating canned sandwiches over there would get me pregnant,” and I’m going to be like, “You wish,” and then she’s going to be like, “Yeah, that’s what I just said,” and I’ll be like, “That’s what she said,” and she’ll be like, “Wait, I can’t tell if you are kidding or you just can’t understand what I’m saying,” and then I’ll smash the empty Candwich can on my head and be like, “I just ate a canned sandwich so, yeah, I’d say I’m basically the shit. Now let’s do it.” Yet another girl goes home with a little PB&J all over her body. NEXT!
I don’t hate the concept of the Candwich. How could I? Sandwich in a can? Yeah, that’s perfectly normal and awesome. I do, however, take issue with the fact that the Candwich creator, Travis L. Wright, was able to talk a bunch of Utah investors out of $145,000,000 in order to make his dream of canned lunch a reality. Well technically they thought they were investing in real estate and Wright was secretly using their money to cram hoagies into soda cans. The point is, this guy had a dream and found a way to scam people in order to make it a reality. Why don’t I have that kind of resourcefulness?
Oh sure, it’s easy for you to sit there on your high horse and call Travis Wright a thief and a fraud but why don’t you take a bite of this turkey and Swiss before you pass judgment. Here, wash it down with a can of mashed potatoes and gravy.
