You just made my list!

Unless you make a living shooting 80s porn in your home or hope to one day rent your house out to Chris Hansen’s cock-block-a-thon “To Catch A Predator” series, I would suggest avoiding vertical blinds. They only lead to bad things.

Sure, passing through vertical blinds is like walking inside a giant tickley mustache, and who doesn’t love that? And yes, it’s really awesome the way they gently knock everything off your plate as you attempt to navigate your way through them at your family reunion, but is that enough? IS IT?

Vertical blinds are like elderly security guards, they sort of get the job done but ultimately just end up making everyone sad who has to be in their presence.

We’ve all been there. You’re staying at a hotel with one of those wall-mounted mirrors and you decided to extend it from the wall and take a look at yourself. You think, “Not too shabby, I’d fuck me. I would give myself a handjob at the very least.” This is where the story should end, but we all have that sick fascination with the other side of the mirror. The evil side. The dark side. You know the outcome of this little experiment of yours and yet you still take your dumb hand and flip the mirror over to reveal the most disgusting thing you have ever seen… your own face!

Suddenly a combination of Mackenzie Phillips and Edward James Olmos is staring back at you and every zit you have ever had in your entire life is visible again. Hey look, there’s that zit that ruined prom! Every pore looks like a cat’s butthole and your eyes look like rivers of blood held in place by spaghetti.

The nightmare is far from over though. A sane person would push the mirror away, allowing it to smash against the wall, but you are drawn to this horror show like a fly to shit. Oh no my friend, you lean in for a closer look. Sicko.

I don’t really care much either way about football, but in honor of the Chicago Bears opening game last night, I feel it is my duty to take a virtual dump all over one of the least thoughtful renovations of a historic landmark ever.

Solider Field was officially opened in 1924 and has been home to many historic events. In 2002 the city of Chicago and some other douchebags decided it was time to renovate the stadium but because the stadium was listed on the National Register of Historic Places, they could not monkey around with the existing structure too much. The solution? Drop a fucking ugly piece of shit INSIDE and ON TOP OF the existing Soldier Field. This has got to be the laziest, most thoughtless work of architecture that has ever made it from blueprints to construction. How the fuck did the city let this happen?

Guess what the first thing to happen was after these “improvements” were completed? It was swiftly and wisely removed from the National Register of Historic Places.

The dick heads responsible for this brilliant design, Benjamin T. Wood and Carlos E. Zapata, should be in architecture jail right next to Frank Gehry.

Sorry, this one was not very fun or funny, I’m too lazy to be creative. Blogging sucks.

If you are anyone other than a suburban mom over the age of 50 and you own a PT Cruiser, it’s time to figure out exactly where it all went wrong. Loosen your novelty tie and take a moment to really think about your life.

On a side note… I’m up to my sunglasses (which I wear on the back of my neck in an attempt to be as money as Guy Fieri) in shit to do this week and have decided to neglect my website for a couple days. I realize this will ruin your life but I will be back in a couple days with my important opinions.

Speaking of cars… My friend (yes I have friends) sent me this link to some awesome photos of people driving.

Let me go ahead and stop anyone who is going to make the argument that “it’s refreshing to see ‘interesting’ people model instead of the same old generic beautiful people.” Bullshit! If you think that the fashion world is seeking higher moral ground with these turd faces then you are dumber than Guy Fieri. The fashion industry is filled with borderline-retarded people who are way too narcissistic to ever think that far ahead. It’s weird for the sake of being weird.

I don’t want to see “normal” people model. I want to see textbook-perfect looking models who make you angry they are so beautiful. I want them to make me look in the mirror and hate what I see. I want to doubt everything about myself when I see their perfectly formed bodies sent to earth by God on the backs of winged puppies. Give me a Heidi Klum any day over these gap-toothed alien faces. Heidi Klum literally makes me want to punch myself in the face for being less of a person. This should be the goal of all models, to make the rest of us hate our lives.

I feel like a 7 year-old on Christmas morning! Have you heard the news, the wonderful, glorious news? Crocs’ crimes against humanity may soon end thanks to their stock taking a major nosedive (-47%) after the company had to announce they wouldn’t come anywhere near their previously announced expectations for the quarter. It has been a long time since the stock market has given me a boner this hard.

I’ve already written about my disdain for these rubber pieces of shit but this morning’s gift from the universe had to be acknowledged. The Crocs CEO Ron “Satan” Snyder had this to say, “Although we made important progress reducing costs in our manufacturing and distribution platform blah blah blah fart fart fart.” Who cares?

Michael Pierce, who is a smart guy from London said “I suspect the problem at Crocs is simply that people are tired of them and do not find them as exciting as they once did.” Yes, they were once so exciting!

Another smart guy named Mitch Kummetz has the quote that made my morning, “But with the outlook as bad as it now is, the fundamentals really are that bad. We see no catalyst to reverse the trend.”

Praise Jesus!

Maddox is pretty angry too.

Am I jealous that I didn’t invent Crocs? Yes. Is that why I hate them so much? No.

If I see you wearing your Crocs it is best to guard your ass from my shoe wearing foot that is about to kick it. Why why why would anyone, including children, willingly choose to wear these in public? Are we really so bored that in order to feel alive again we need to experience the stinging humiliation of dressing like clowns in public? I hate us. Actually I hate you.

Yes, Crocs are insanely ugly and ridiculous and should be shunned for those reasons alone but the thing I really hate about them, or any fad, is that it once again proves that people are predictable followers. Just think about those idiots who will literally get in fist fights over Tickle Me Elmo or Furbies or fill in the blank. It’s this desire to blend in with the crowd and disappear that makes me want to force feed you your Crocs.

Guess what, you look like an ass in your Crocs. You don’t look cute and you don’t look “funky” and don’t even try to tell me how comfortable they are. Walking around with bags of dog shit on your feet might be the most comfortable thing ever but I still wouldn’t do it. I’m sorry if it sounds like I think I am superior to “Crocs people” but it’s only because I am.

Hey Crocs. You just made my list!