I know, we all have at least a couple of these unwanted little shits hanging around, but if there was ever proof that God is cruel, it’s skin tags! Their official name is “acrochorda” but you could call them “happy pretty sugar sacks” and they would still be just as disgusting. It’s not even that I think they are gross on other people, it’s more that when I find one on my body I feel like cutting my own head off.
I get happy pretty sugar sacks on my neck sometimes and usually don’t notice them until they get poked or snagged by my shirt collar. I can promise you this, the second they make themselves known I reach for the tweezers. Yeah, that’s right, I rip them off with all the subtlety of a wolf shaking a bunny to death. Do wolves eat bunnies?
You know those people in the Philippines and Latin America who flog and crucify themselves in an attempt to feel the exact pain Jesus Christ went through? Well, that’s nothing compared to the pain and horror of drinking water through a straw. If Jesus had to suck down a glass of water through a straw to save us from our sins I bet he would have thought twice about it.
“What’s it gonna be Jesus?”
“Um, hold on, I’m thinking. Is that nailing me to a cross thing still an option?”
This is a true story, I was once at lunch with a 5-year-old child who took a big drink of his water through a straw thinking it was soda. What followed was the most overt expression of disappointment I have EVER seen on a human face. He was literally on the brink of tears and who can blame him? The human brain is simply not equipped to handle such an assault, or lack thereof, on the senses. There is no doubt in my mind that this child will become a serial killer.
And while I’m on the subject of water… can you please stop putting a slice of lemon in my glass? I asked for water not the world’s shittiest lemonade.
I have wanted to write about Oprah for a long time but never had the energy. I felt like I needed to present some intelligent argument with facts and figures, but after I saw the the interview Oprah did with the woman (Charla Nash) who had her face torn off by a chimp, I realized she does not deserve my time. Oprah is no better than a common freak show carnival barker and she disgusts me.
There is ABSOLUTELY no reason a woman who was injured by an animal to be front page news and there is ABSOLUTELY no reason for Oprah to interview said person. Unless their fucking face was ripped off by a monkey and they are horribly deformed, right Oprah? If a woman was kicked in the back by a horse and lost the use of her legs but looked just as pretty as ever, would high and mighty Oprah fight to be the first to interview them? Of course not. What Oprah did with this woman was nothing more than exploitation and it was disgusting. What can be learned from this interview? Nothing. She just wanted to be the first to reveal that horribly disfigured face for ratings.
What really pisses me off is that she is no better than Maury Povich and his parade of horribleness yet she is looked upon as the second coming. In fact, people are more devoted and obedient to her than they are to Jesus.
Oprah’s exploitation of this poor woman is no different than some carnival barker showing off the Elephant Man to crowds of horrified people. She can speak in all the hushed tones she wants but there is no difference.
Red Delicious? More Like Red NOT Delicious! OH SNAP!!!
Let me tell you something Mr. Red Delicious, you fucking suck. You suck ass and you suck balls. You might LOOK delicious, but you taste like disappointment. You taste like unfulfilled dreams.
You sit there acting like your shit don’t stink when the reality is that, not only does your shit stink, your crappy apple meat stinks too. Sure, you have that textbook “apple” look but who gives a shit, Carrot Top looks funny but it doesn’t make him funny.
You could really learn a thing or two from the Honeycrisp apple. If it wasn’t for this incredible apple variety I would put ALL apples on my list!
Obviously Stephen Colbert and his little staff of pot smoking New York hipsters are HUGE fans of my work and have once again stolen the contents of my handsome head. This time around these pilfering sons-of-asses have taken my genius thoughts about the Miracle Whip commercials and used them word for word. Literally WORD FOR WORD! Well, maybe not literally word for word but they literally used some of the same words. Let’s just say that words were used and leave it at that! Look, the point is that clearly Stephen Colbert has instructed his “writers” to monitor my every thought and claim them as their own. It hurts Stephen, it really hurts.
Can all you douchebag chefs stop “reinventing” food that is already perfect?
There simply is no way to make the classic, basic cheeseburger better so stopping piling random shit all over it and telling me it’s better. This trend of trying to make greasy fast food into an expensive gourmet meal is lame. Not only do gourmet burgers not taste as good, they are always so tall you have to unhinge your jaw like a fucking python to take a bite. And stop making desserts with Cap’n Crunch crumbs. Ha ha ha (slow clap) we get it, you’re whimsical.
Stop thinking you are so talented that you can take something as amazing as a pancake or a cheeseburger and make it more awesome’er. You can’t. You can’t and your restaurant has a dumb name and is filled with douche wads
My opinions are flawless, just like cheap burgers.
I’m not talking about drummers. No, I am referring to the guy on stage directly to the drummer’s right. The guy with the perm from 1992 who’s wearing the vest and smacking the bongos with a level of excitement normally reserved for losing one’s virginity. Ironically this is not a joy most percussionists will ever know.
While drummers play an important and kick ass role in a band, it seems the sole purpose of a percussionist is to make that dreamy, twinkly sound during ballads by running a drum stick across the miniature chimes that they seem to have some legal obligation to own. Other than that what do they do? Hit cymbals at the exact same time as the drummer? You know what it sounds like when 3 cymbals are all hit at the same time? It sounds exactly like 2 cymbals hit at the same time.
These useless turds always have the same shit-eating grin on their face too because, unlike the core members of the band who had to work hard to get to the point where they can tour and afford to waste their money on a percussionist, they simply get plucked from their job at Guitar Center and placed on stage in front of the band’s fans. The thing is that these dicks always act like the cheering crowds are actually there to see them play their little setup of nonessential drums. The truth is they are there to see Sting suck.
This is going to be short for exactly two reasons.
1. I’m still sick.
2. It’s pretty obvious why storm chasers are annoying dorks.
3. I have not showered since Saturday morning.
4. Actually, I have been wearing the same clothes since Saturday morning. Yeah that’s right, I’ve been sleeping in my clothes. I’m just that sick. In fact, I have not been nude since Saturday morning. That seems like a long time but I wonder how long Eskimos go without being nude. Months? Years?
5. I have to admit, there is something really pleasurable about not shaving, showering or changing your clothes for several days in a row. I’m like an amateur homeless person.
6. Hey did you hear there was just a charity event where the winning bidders got to box various Kardashians? I guess Rob Kardashian got knocked out with one punch and Kim got a black eye. That sounds fun.
7. Did you see Creed on The Tonight Show last night? Holy shit.
8. Thanks to Paul in Saint Paul, I learned today that Cheaters is FAKE! While it’s true I hate that show, I am still mad about it. I’m mad at myself for thinking it was real. If I ever find out that any tiny part of People’s Court is fake I will go on a killing spree.
