Tag Archive 'nerds'

Dec 21 2010

Men who wear choker necklaces!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

choker necklace for men

If you are one of the tragic gentlemen who choose this horrifying fashion accessory but do not know what vibe you are giving off, consider this… while searching for photos of men wearing choker necklaces I was only able to find photos of shirtless man-boys. I shouldn’t have to say anything else, but I will.

Lest ye think I am calling you and your little leather noodle gay, think again, I am calling you douchey. Even the most fabulous gay cage dancer could not pull this look off.

It is curious that every photo I found to illustrate my point ended up being so homoerotic because I normally associate these chokers with suburban IT guys who suffer from premature balding. They troubleshoot your Microsoft Office issues by day and play in Puddle of Mudd cover bands by night. They drink Miller Vortex and they have strong opinions about Battlestar Galactica.

Either that or they are super gay, I can’t tell the difference anymore.

23 responses so far

Oct 26 2010

PCs!

Published by under Jerks

I spent most of the night helping my girlfriend (sorry ladies) remove a virus from her PC, so NO POST FOR YOU!

I hate PCs. I hate every single thing about PCs!

Discuss.

34 responses so far

Sep 27 2010

The Weezer “Hurley” album!

Weezer Hurley album cover

Really?

I’ve got to hand it to Weezer for finding a perfect way to illustrate how thoroughly bland and desperate their music has become, a photo of “Hurley” from everyone’s favorite island of mystical bullshit, Lost.  I guess in many ways listening to a new Weezer album is just like watching Lost… you sit there confused for an hour wondering what kind of nerds wrote this shit and when it’s all over you wonder why you keep coming back to the teat for more, like the big dumb asshole you are.

When asked about their decision to use a photo of actor Jorge Garcia on the cover of their latest album, Weezer had this to say, “Blah blah blah, ironic, Star Wars, shyness, windbreakers.”

What the fuck happened? Weezer used to rule. Sure, it was way back when Clinton was still jizzing all over the White House, but still those first couple albums are classics.

In case you were wondering, the songs on “Hurley” suck gorilla taint.

18 responses so far

Aug 03 2010

Contact juggling and Fushigi balls!

how does fushigi ball work

If you have a ponytail and a strong opinion about graphic novels, I’m guessing you are currently home alone fondling your Fushigi Balls. There is also a 37% chance a cassette tape of the Dr. Demento show is currently playing in the background and your penis has not known the pleasure of a vagina.

If you are like me, you are incredibly good-looking and wondering, “What is ‘contact juggling’ and this so-called ‘Fushigi Ball?'” The answer is simple… who cares, let’s go listen to Shout at the Devil and drink beer!

Fine. Contact juggling is juggling but without all the juggling. You happy?

But what is a Fushigi Ball? Is it magic, does it defy gravity? The answer is yes, if you are easily confused by mirrors! For the rest of us, Fushigi Ball is simply a fucking clear ball with a fucking chrome ball inside. When combined with contact juggling, Fushigi Ball can create the illusion of a ball that… um… a ball that appears to… well… fuck, I don’t know, it looks like a ball!

Hey mom. Fushigi, I like don’t know what it is but it’s the coolest thing ever and I can do it. Also I’m pregnant again.

29 responses so far

Jul 28 2010

Hipster ironic 80s eye wear!

Published by under Jerks,Why?!?

A couple weeks ago I attended the ultra-hip Pitchfork Music Festival. When I walked in the front gate, I thought I had possibly just passed through some sort of Michael J. Fox time portal to 1986. I was thinking, “Shit, have the past 25 years been a dream? Am I still in high school? Am I a virgin again?” Luckily I was still in 2010 and it was simply thousands of unoriginal, uninspired ironic hipsters walking around looking like extras on a John Hughes movie.

There are too many details to write about when it comes to these hipster turds, so I will focus on two unfortunate fashion trends that I thought I would never have to suffer through again.

Two-tone Ray Ban sunglasses!

hipster ray ban sunglasses

Life’s a beach, right guys? These glasses were dumb in the 80s and they are even dumber now. If memory serves me, this style of sunglasses was never actually cool in the 80s. They were usually cheap promo items with some company name stamped on the side, like “Newport” cigarettes or “Pert Plus” shampoo. Maybe that’s why they are cool now because they are anti-cool? I can’t tell anymore. All I know is that your funny, ironic sunglasses suck and you smell like Pert Plus.

Girls with giant glasses!

hipster girls big glasses

This is a new trend in female hipsterdom that is concerning to me, I call them “Mary Gross Girls.” With this phenomenon we see frumpy girls working their hardest to take their frumpiness to new heights in an attempt to make us think their frumpiness is totally on purpose. “I’m actually super sexy under these culotte shorts that accentuate my incredibly smooth mom-ish FUPA. This mess is all on purpose!” Oh yeah, and they wear giant mathlete glasses, blah blah blah.

Hipsters are boring, just like this post.

29 responses so far

Jun 10 2010

The Urban Howdy Doody!

hipster ironic moustache suspenders

I’m going to keep this short for exactly 2 reasons.

1) I got home late after dinner and drinks at the latest trendy hipster whiskey tavern (more on that later).

2) My neighbors are going apeshit because we won the Stanley Cup and there’s a good chance our apartment will burn to the ground by morning.

3) There’s only so much to say about these assholes.

4) It’s late, I’m tired and I hate blogs.

Sooooooooo anyway. Tonight was my second trip to the latest hipster hangout in Chicago. It’s more saloon than “bar” and the amount of waxed handlebar mustaches and suspenders holding up tiny pants is staggering. Apparently now it’s cool to look 90s… 1890s. Just ask loyal reader of this amazing website, Erica, about the transportation of her coworkers.

My point is this… FUCK YOU, YOU RIDICULOUS BORING HIPSTERS.

My point is also this… I have coined a phrase for this new breed of precious turn-of-the-century hipster and all I ask is that you spread it and make it catch on. The “Urban Howdy Doody.”

Good night.

24 responses so far

May 25 2010

Glasses!

Published by under Why?!?

x-ray specs xray goggles glasses spex

Calm down nerds, I’m not talking about your glasses, I’m talking about the fact that for the first time in my life I need glasses.

I was always so proud of my perfect 20/20 vision and could often be found challenging people to read faraway signs. After they would give up and fail miserably I would arrogantly say “It says #1 Golden House of Chop Suey” and shake my finger at their weak, inferior eyes. Well, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA FUCKING HA, joke’s on me this time because I, your hero, found out today that I need glasses. Now I’m going to be just like the rest of you pathetic four-eyed nerdlingers.

The thing that really pisses me off is that my right eye is perfectly fine but my left eye is a lazy cocksucker asshole. Way to go douchebag eye!

I’m pretty sure the blinding rage I felt while watching the Lost finale last night did, in fact, blind me.

41 responses so far

Apr 12 2010

Hipsters, their cut-off jeans, their track bikes, their beards and their body odor!

Published by under Jerks

anatomy of a hipster douchebag

Want to know what every hipster in Chicago looks like? I mean do you want to know EXACTLY what EVERY hipster in Chicago looks like? Then simply gaze upon this cookie-cutter douchebag. You will have to imagine the body odor but just think of what it might smell like if a dog barfed onions all over a homeless man’s pubes on a 95-degree day.

Look, I get it, people like to be around other people with similar interests but does everyone have to be wrapped in the exact same uniform? Especially when your clique is supposed to be all about individualism and counter-culture blah blah blah.

It used to be that all the “cool” people played in bands but for some reason, in the blink of an eye, everyone ditched their guitars and started pretending to be “Dave” from Breaking Away. I miss the days when hipsters pretended to be working-class British factory workers!

44 responses so far

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