Today is my birthday, so you are lucky I am even taking the time to write about this creepy bullshit.
Do you know what a “dakimakura” is? If you answered yes to this question and then looked across the room to see your pillow girlfriend sitting on the couch watching TV, I kindly ask you to drive to Home Depot, buy a chain saw and mutilate your entire crotch area. God damn it, I don’t want to live in a world where men marry pillows. Global warming can’t come fast enough.
Sure, I dated a few tube socks in high school, but I never took them to prom or bought them flowers. I may have made out with my pillow a few times in junior high while watching scrambled porn on channel 44, but that was just young love. It never went further then heavy petting and casual dating. To be honest, I had a fear of commitment back then. How could I be sure this was THE pillow I was meant to be with for the rest of my life? I was young and there were lots of linens out there to explore. OK if you want the truth, I had my heart broken by a pillow when I was 16 and I don’t really feel like talking about it!
If I am ever this bored please kill me. Punch me in the face, take the metal detector out of my trembling hands, use it to find the nearest large metal item and kill me with it. The only problem with this plan is that it will most likely take you 10 years to find a metal “treasure” big enough to even slightly wound me. I don’t want to sit there for weeks while you try to kill me with someone’s lost earring. Fuck it, just kill me with the metal detector.
I know I shouldn’t care if this activity makes people happy, especially since it’s usually old guys, but it depresses me while I’m chugging my Corona and flexing my biceps for the young ladies who inevitably crowd around me at the beach. Do these dorks realize how hard it is to keep my pecs pumped while watching this sad display out of the corner of my eye? I’m trying to decide which girl gets to oil me up while Joe Treasure Hunter is collecting bottle caps. It’s very distracting.
The mission of the Klingon Language Institute, is to “bring together individuals interested in the study of Klingon linguistics and culture, and provide a forum for discussion and the exchange of ideas.” If you translate that into normal human language, their mission is to “never bring a vagina anywhere near their penises.”
When I think about how little extra time I have in my life to do worthwhile things, and then imagine these buttholes sitting around on a Saturday night with a 2-liter of Mountain Dew and a Klingon dictionary, it makes me want to… what’s the word… makes me want to tlhaw’ these nerds right in the DIrons!
This is going to be short for exactly two reasons.
1. I’m still sick.
2. It’s pretty obvious why storm chasers are annoying dorks.
3. I have not showered since Saturday morning.
4. Actually, I have been wearing the same clothes since Saturday morning. Yeah that’s right, I’ve been sleeping in my clothes. I’m just that sick. In fact, I have not been nude since Saturday morning. That seems like a long time but I wonder how long Eskimos go without being nude. Months? Years?
5. I have to admit, there is something really pleasurable about not shaving, showering or changing your clothes for several days in a row. I’m like an amateur homeless person.
6. Hey did you hear there was just a charity event where the winning bidders got to box various Kardashians? I guess Rob Kardashian got knocked out with one punch and Kim got a black eye. That sounds fun.
7. Did you see Creed on The Tonight Show last night? Holy shit.
8. Thanks to Paul in Saint Paul, I learned today that Cheaters is FAKE! While it’s true I hate that show, I am still mad about it. I’m mad at myself for thinking it was real. If I ever find out that any tiny part of People’s Court is fake I will go on a killing spree.
Sure, people look at me and say, “Steve, you are obviously the most awesome and cool guy in the IT dept, we all know this. But Steve, are you also fun? Do you cut loose on the weekends and have your gamer buddies over for some ice-cold Mountain Dews and a 5 hour Monty Python marathon on VHS?”
Well sir, might I direct your attention south about 18 inches? Yeah that’s right dummy, your eyes aren’t playing tricks on you, that really IS Darth Vader on my tie!!! I know, right? I just blew your mind didn’t I? No seriously, I swear it’s a real neck tie. Go ahead, touch it.
What’s that? Where did I get this hilariously rebellious accessory? No no no, I think not young Skywalker, not ready are you. Wacky tie culture is not something you just jump into blindly.
That’s right corporate world, you will never stifle my joyous nature!
Right now you are correctly asking yourself, “What is this ‘Shack’ that all my friends are constantly talking about? Is it the latest trendy nightclub? Is it a sexually transmitted disease?” You idiot! It’s the god damn, motherfucking Radio Shack, bitch!
Much like Miracle Whip, Radio Shack is about to dial up their attitude and punch you in the face with their dick, and if you don’t like it you can kiss their ass right through their skinny jeans. I’m sure you’ve been on the subway and overheard a couple young hipsters in Flaming Lips T-shirts talking about cruisin’ on down to The Shack to pick up some 4700µF 35V 20% Axial-Lead Electrolytic Capacitors before going to the liquor store to pick up a sixy of PBRs. BOOYAH!
I was just at Lollapalooza and all I heard in the audience was “Shack this” and “Shack that.” In fact, Snoop Dogg spent half of his set giving shout-outs like “Where my bitches at? Where my 20A 250V Ceramic Fuses at? Raise your 4A, 400V Full-Wave Bridge Rectifiers in the motherfucking air, and wave ’em like they are rated 4-amps, with 400 Peak Inverse Voltage!”
These over-achievers really bug the shit out of me. While every other kid their age is setting crap on fire, falling out of trees, jumping their bikes over each other and generally being awesome, these tiny students are sitting alone in their rooms studying astrophysics and generally being lame. They are wasting their childhood AND their college years in one fell swoop.
Have you ever seen these turds interviewed? They are almost always little condescending shits that are practically begging to have their underwear pulled over their heads.
Whatever, I’m sure they will all end up rich. I’m not jealous, look at me, I never graduated college and I’m a prestigious blogger!
Sheesh. Do I even need to explain why these people should be punished? I can understand if you have to keep your cell phone in a belt holster because the nature of your job makes it a necessity but… wait, no I can’t understand it ever. You should quit your job, nothing is worth this.
While you are at it, please shave that neatly-trimmed “Blue Collar Comedy” goatee too. How do I know you have this goatee? Because you wear your cell phone on your belt.
I thought it could not get any worse than a belt holster but I happened upon this and it shook me to my very core. Get a purse already!
