Tag Archive 'the greatest thing ever'

Jan 18 2011

Guys who claim to not like porn!

Published by under Jerks

vintage ron jermey porn, retro porno, 70s porn, 80s porno movies

Girls, I’m going to let you in on a little secret… your boyfriend likes porn. Your husband likes porn even more.

HEY, calm down, it’s not the end of the world, you big baby. I’m not saying he’s ordering European horse porn and having it delivered to a PO box in the next town over, but I am saying that he has enjoyed “normal” porn in the past and will continue to in the future. The computer screen you are looking at right now has most likely been the stage on which tiny pizza delivery men and lonely housewives perform acts of unspeakable awesomeness.

It’s OK though. He still loves you! He just wants to watch men with questionable fashion sense make sweet dirty love to women who never take off their pearls or high heels. It’s perfectly normal and healthy, unless he really is into horse porn, then you have a serious problem on your hands, especially if you own a horse. Why are you even dating a guy who likes horse porn? Get on that horse and ride the hell out of town, tonight!

I know I know, he’s told you many times that he thinks “porn is dumb” and it “doesn’t do anything for him,” he’s mostly lying out of fear and/or respect for you. While it is true that most porn is about as erotic as getting your teeth drilled (I’m sure you can actually find teeth-drilling porn) the incredible amount of porn produced in the last four decades insures there is something that even your perfect Johnny likes.

Please do yourself a favor and don’t start interrogating him tonight at Olive Garden. There’s really no need to worry about it, guys loving hardcore porn is as American as… well, I guess it’s as American as guys loving softcore porn. USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

You should really be asking yourself why you can afford a horse but still choose to eat fucking Olive Garden.

13 responses so far

Oct 15 2010

Opening jars for girls!

Published by under Awesome!

opening jars for girls, jar openers

Want to know what to get me for Christmas? Just ask me to open a jar for you.

Nothing makes me happier than to hear “Can you open this jar for me?” You might as well have just asked me if I want to have a threesome, it’s that awesome.

There are so few chances in modern society to prove your dominance (I mean worth) as a man and, sadly, opening a jar for a female in distress is just about all that is left. Helping the cute girl in the office figure out how to add clip art to her PowerPoint presentation doesn’t quite give me the boner that opening a jar does. In my mind, hearing that little lid pop is not unlike killing a water buffalo with my bare hands.

This activity does not come without pitfalls however. As I approach my prey there’s always that nagging thought in the back of my mind saying “What if this is the jar I can’t open?” Luckily for you girls I will work a jar lid until my hands bleed, I will never give up and I will never fail. Yeah that’s right, if Hulk Hogan and Clint Eastwood had a baby and it was eaten by a gorilla, I would be that gorilla.

FYI, ask me to get something down from a high shelf and there’s a 98% chance we will be making love right there on the kitchen floor.

20 responses so far

Sep 15 2010


Published by under Awesome!

SkyMall rules Sky Mall Magazine

Let me tell you something pal, if you say one negative thing about SkyMall I will hunt you down and I will cast a spell upon you with my Harry PotterĀ® magic wand! SkyMall fucking RULES!

I hate flying. I’m not afraid to fly but I hate everything about the process. I hate getting up early. I hate airports. I hate huge crowds of cranky people dressed in their finest sweatsuits. But mostly I hate how cramped, uncomfortable and boring sitting on an airplane is. There is only ONE thing that I look forward to… the SkyMall catalog.

I’m not kidding, slowly soaking up every page is one of life’s purest joys. Forget your shitty wedding and the birth of your dumb kids, SkyMall trumps them all.

There is an art to reading SkyMall and when done properly it can easily provide two or more hours of entertainment. Only an amateur asshole would start flipping through the glorious pages of SkyMall while still sitting on the runway. Idiots. A connoisseur knows to wait until about 30 minutes into the flight, right about the time you begin to level off. Believe me, I know how hard it is to fight the temptation to sneak a peek before takeoff but you MUST fight it!

After about 30 minutes you are free to begin your journey through the greatest products known to man. I like to spend about five minutes just staring at the cover. This is like the foreplay or the romance, if you will. I think about how excited the inventor of the Floating Bar must have been when he learned he was that month’s cover product. Chills.

On the flight to my destination I like to spend most of my time concentrating on the photos, this way I can enjoy all of the product descriptions on my way back. This technique should give you about an hour of bliss on each flight. Smart.

I sit there and imagine how good my life would be if I just had some unsightly pipe to cover with a plastic rock or some snow to rake. Damn it, these people are so lucky! I wonder how I make it through the day without my own Indiana Jones leather bullwhip and why I have never thought to use a propane torch to kill weeds. I fantasize about the looks on my dumb friend’s faces when they are startled by my awesome garden statue and the girth of my incredible noodle. They are going to be so jealous, I hate them. But nothing makes me happier than this (you still have time to buy me one for Christmas).

You are probably wondering what the Holy Grail of SkyMall aficionados might be. I will tell you but I might get a little emotional in the process. Ahab had Moby Dick, Don Quixote had windmills but my white whale has yet to show itself in my presence. The day I get on a plane for my return flight and discover a new issue of SkyMall, not yet available on my previous flight, waiting for me in the seat pocket… I’m sorry but thinking about it right now has me in tears. That day will be the best day of my life.

29 responses so far

Sep 07 2010

Masturbating to pens!

naked lady disappearing clothes nudie pens

Yeah, I masturbated to this novelty, disappearing clothes pen. Jealous?

I’m not proud of it (maybe a little) but it happened and I think we should all just acknowledge it and move on.

How was it that I found myself straining my eyes to masturbate to a tiny naked lady on an ink pen? That is a great question, thanks for asking. You see, the year was 1998, the Barenaked Ladies (ironically) topped the charts with their brilliant Canadian-comedy-pop-rap, Robin Williams turned the world of pediatrics on its red rubber balls with his touching portrayal of Patch Adams and thanks to pre-9/11 American bliss we were still innocent enough to masturbate to pens at work.

I was an optimistic young man working at a mid-sized company and occasionally I had a little extra time on my hands (ironically). Don’t get me wrong, I worked very hard (ironically) for this company but when I was between projects I had to literally stare at my desk. All you whippersnappers out there don’t know what it’s like to kill time at a job WITHOUT THE INTERNET but it was brutal!

Sure, I perfected the 20 minute walk around the office looking busy and the taking a nap sitting upright at my desk with my hand on the mouse (ironically) but that wasn’t always enough. Now, the following formula may seem foreign to you ladies but do your best to follow along…

Boredom + Time + Penis = Masturbation

The only unknowns in that equation are how and where. And in my case, which pen to bring along.

It was pretty simple really. I would bring my date, either the tall blonde in heels or the cute brunette with the big 70s bush, into the bathroom stall and quickly do my business. It had to be quick because the receptionist’s desk faced the entrance to the bathrooms and I’m sure she knew the time it took the average person to pee and/or poop. Any deviation from those two options would not go unnoticed so I really had to emulate the duration of a normal poo session. If someone walked into the bathroom while I was romancing myself I immediately ceased operations and switched to simulated pooping. It was the perfect plan.

Keep in mind, this only happened a couple times because usually I was too busy and the sadness of jerking off to a pen was not lost on me.

Deal with it.

52 responses so far

Sep 03 2010

American Apparel is going bankrupt, praise pretend Jesus!

Published by under Awesome!

american apparel bankrupt bankruptcy chapter 11

Shit, where will I buy my fanny packs and shiny disco leggings now?

Ironic hipsters and flat-chested teen runaways (AKA future American Apparel models) the world over are freaking out because dressing like a fucking asshole is about to get a little harder. Seems that Dov Charney’s business model of sitting around masturbating all day and rehashing every fashion mistake of the 80s is not working out too well.

You’d think a company that sells satin jackets and features vaginal penetration in their ads would be around longer.

Bye bye now.

31 responses so far

Aug 19 2010

I pee sitting down and I’m proud of it!

Published by under Awesome!

men who pee sitting down

Yeah, that’s right, I’m a man and I pee sitting down. Deal with it!

It all started in high school when I realized I could sneak an extra 15 seconds of sleep if I took a little pee-nap on the toilet during my morning piss. It was these brief, relaxing moments that led to my impressive pee-sitting career.

Soon I began to notice all of the advantages to lounging while peeing. Without the distraction of standing and aiming my stream into the bowl, my mind was free to contemplate important issues. Let’s do the math… If I pee-sit 2 times a day for an average of 15 seconds per session (not including pee/poop combos) and multiply that by the approximate number of days I have been a pee-sitter (about 9,490) we are talking about 79 hours and 8 minutes of free mind time. That’s 3.29 days! And where did I figure this all out, on the toilet while peeing of course.

The next advantage of sitting while peeing is the reduction of piss noise. This usually only comes into play when you have guests or while you are a guest at a friend’s house that has one of those annoying bathrooms placed right near the action, like just off the kitchen where everyone is hanging out. Guess what, I don’t want you to hear my powerful racehorse pee stream as much as I don’t want to hear your piss splashing all over the place. Nobody needs to hear that while trying to enjoy a delicious nacho a mere few feet away.

But even without the relaxing, brainstorming and reduced noise, pee-sitting is worth its weight in gold for this reason alone… it’s neater! I don’t mean neater as in “OMG, that’s so neat,” I’m talking about reducing the amount of human piss that splashes all over your bathroom. When a man takes a leak standing up I would estimate about 1% of the pee ends up out of the bowl. Only 1%? What’s the big deal? If you ask me, even one drop of piss out of the bowl is too much!

Now, let me very clear about this, I do not pee siting down in a public bathroom. Public bathrooms are standing room only, hence the huge amount of piss covering every surface.

OK go ahead, start calling me names, I know you are dying to, but I can tell you this, tonight I sleep soundly in a home free of wayward piss.

I am proud to be a pee-sitter!

74 responses so far

Jul 23 2010

Bike cleavage!

Published by under Awesome!

bike cleavage

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a few beers. I’ve had a few beers with the person who edits this piece of shit website so please excuse any typos. It’s a lose-lose situation.

I spend a lot of time talking about things I DON’T like so maybe it’s time to salute something I love. I have also spent many an hour ranting about my hatred for the hipster bike craze but I think it’s time to talk about the ONE good thing about bicycles… BIKE CLEAVAGE!

Cleavage is one of God’s greatest creations. It says “Hey look, I’m the side of boobs!” Cleavage promises a better tomorrow. I’m not sure if most of the bike-riding girls out there realize just how much cleavage they are exposing during their bike rides and I’m hoping they never find out. Guys, bros, dudes, let’s keep this little secret on the down low. Don’t blow a good thing!

I love you boobs and I love the glorious, soft canyon of cleavage you create while riding around on a bike.

Good night.

20 responses so far

May 21 2010

STOP THE FUCKING PRESSES – There’s a movie about Jack Rebney?!?

Published by under Awesome!

I’m so excited I can barely find the ability to type. I’ve written about Jack Rebney before so I will skip an introduction and just say watch this…


8 responses so far

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