You just made my list!

Yeah, I masturbated to this novelty, disappearing clothes pen. Jealous?

I’m not proud of it (maybe a little) but it happened and I think we should all just acknowledge it and move on.

How was it that I found myself straining my eyes to masturbate to a tiny naked lady on an ink pen? That is a great question, thanks for asking. You see, the year was 1998, the Barenaked Ladies (ironically) topped the charts with their brilliant Canadian-comedy-pop-rap, Robin Williams turned the world of pediatrics on its red rubber balls with his touching portrayal of Patch Adams and thanks to pre-9/11 American bliss we were still innocent enough to masturbate to pens at work.

I was an optimistic young man working at a mid-sized company and occasionally I had a little extra time on my hands (ironically). Don’t get me wrong, I worked very hard (ironically) for this company but when I was between projects I had to literally stare at my desk. All you whippersnappers out there don’t know what it’s like to kill time at a job WITHOUT THE INTERNET but it was brutal!

Sure, I perfected the 20 minute walk around the office looking busy and the taking a nap sitting upright at my desk with my hand on the mouse (ironically) but that wasn’t always enough. Now, the following formula may seem foreign to you ladies but do your best to follow along…

Boredom + Time + Penis = Masturbation

The only unknowns in that equation are how and where. And in my case, which pen to bring along.

It was pretty simple really. I would bring my date, either the tall blonde in heels or the cute brunette with the big 70s bush, into the bathroom stall and quickly do my business. It had to be quick because the receptionist’s desk faced the entrance to the bathrooms and I’m sure she knew the time it took the average person to pee and/or poop. Any deviation from those two options would not go unnoticed so I really had to emulate the duration of a normal poo session. If someone walked into the bathroom while I was romancing myself I immediately ceased operations and switched to simulated pooping. It was the perfect plan.

Keep in mind, this only happened a couple times because usually I was too busy and the sadness of jerking off to a pen was not lost on me.

Deal with it.

Shit, where will I buy my fanny packs and shiny disco leggings now?

Ironic hipsters and flat-chested teen runaways (AKA future American Apparel models) the world over are freaking out because dressing like a fucking asshole is about to get a little harder. Seems that Dov Charney’s business model of sitting around masturbating all day and rehashing every fashion mistake of the 80s is not working out too well.

You’d think a company that sells satin jackets and features vaginal penetration in their ads would be around longer.

Bye bye now.

Yeah, that’s right, I’m a man and I pee sitting down. Deal with it!

It all started in high school when I realized I could sneak an extra 15 seconds of sleep if I took a little pee-nap on the toilet during my morning piss. It was these brief, relaxing moments that led to my impressive pee-sitting career.

Soon I began to notice all of the advantages to lounging while peeing. Without the distraction of standing and aiming my stream into the bowl, my mind was free to contemplate important issues. Let’s do the math… If I pee-sit 2 times a day for an average of 15 seconds per session (not including pee/poop combos) and multiply that by the approximate number of days I have been a pee-sitter (about 9,490) we are talking about 79 hours and 8 minutes of free mind time. That’s 3.29 days! And where did I figure this all out, on the toilet while peeing of course.

The next advantage of sitting while peeing is the reduction of piss noise. This usually only comes into play when you have guests or while you are a guest at a friend’s house that has one of those annoying bathrooms placed right near the action, like just off the kitchen where everyone is hanging out. Guess what, I don’t want you to hear my powerful racehorse pee stream as much as I don’t want to hear your piss splashing all over the place. Nobody needs to hear that while trying to enjoy a delicious nacho a mere few feet away.

But even without the relaxing, brainstorming and reduced noise, pee-sitting is worth its weight in gold for this reason alone… it’s neater! I don’t mean neater as in “OMG, that’s so neat,” I’m talking about reducing the amount of human piss that splashes all over your bathroom. When a man takes a leak standing up I would estimate about 1% of the pee ends up out of the bowl. Only 1%? What’s the big deal? If you ask me, even one drop of piss out of the bowl is too much!

Now, let me very clear about this, I do not pee siting down in a public bathroom. Public bathrooms are standing room only, hence the huge amount of piss covering every surface.

OK go ahead, start calling me names, I know you are dying to, but I can tell you this, tonight I sleep soundly in a home free of wayward piss.

I am proud to be a pee-sitter!

I’m not going to lie, I’ve had a few beers. I’ve had a few beers with the person who edits this piece of shit website so please excuse any typos. It’s a lose-lose situation.

I spend a lot of time talking about things I DON’T like so maybe it’s time to salute something I love. I have also spent many an hour ranting about my hatred for the hipster bike craze but I think it’s time to talk about the ONE good thing about bicycles… BIKE CLEAVAGE!

Cleavage is one of God’s greatest creations. It says “Hey look, I’m the side of boobs!” Cleavage promises a better tomorrow. I’m not sure if most of the bike-riding girls out there realize just how much cleavage they are exposing during their bike rides and I’m hoping they never find out. Guys, bros, dudes, let’s keep this little secret on the down low. Don’t blow a good thing!

I love you boobs and I love the glorious, soft canyon of cleavage you create while riding around on a bike.

Good night.

I’m so excited I can barely find the ability to type. I’ve written about Jack Rebney before so I will skip an introduction and just say watch this…

www.winnebagoman.com

How many blades do we need? This is outrageous! Outrageously AWESOME!

Yeah, I was once an idiot like you. I would sit around all day saying “Five blades is too many, what is with this crazy nonsense?” I would mock razor commercials touting their 2 blades, then their 3 blades, next 4 blades! “When will this end?” I thought to myself. I am here to tell you it should never end!

A few years ago a free Gillette Fusion razor showed up in my mail like an unwanted, screaming baby left on a church doorstep. I wanted to punch it in its face. That cocky son of a bitch thought it was so fucking cool with its five blades. It remained untouched until one day when I realized I was out of razors. I reluctantly opened the package and placed the ridiculously large collection of blades to my handsome face. Listen to me when I tell you that a unicorn flew out of my butt as I pulled the razor across my skin for the first time.

You think five blades is enough? Guess again dick head, the Fusion has a sixth blade hiding on the backside for all your hard to get areas. You can even shave inside your god damn nose with that sixth blade!

I want to make sure you understand that I am not being hilarious and sarcastic, I really DO love this razor! Five blades really DO make a huge difference. I bet seven blades would be even more awesome. Why stop there, give me ten or twelve blades! Make a glove covered in 100 razors and I will use it.

Stop being a sissy a get a 5 blade razor already.

Don’t panic fans of the Magic Eraser, this is a rare collector’s edition post about something I LIKE! Like? Fuck that, I love the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I want to marry the Magic Eraser and have a cold beer waiting for it as soon as it walks in the door after a long day of awesomely cleaning shit up. The Magic Eraser is the single greatest invention on the face of this planet.

Don’t try to tell me in your annoying voice that, “The computer is the most important invention ever” because you are wrong and you are an idiot for thinking that. That is, unless you are using your stupid computer for purchasing Magic Erasers.

Magic Eraser is to sponge, what Jesus is to babies born in barns. Even Mr. Jesus Christ scratches his head in disbelief when cleaning up various surfaces in heaven with a Magic Eraser and thinks, “Oh my dad, this thing is amazing!”

If you have never tried the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser you are a moron and a jerk. You are a loser and your house is dirty. Your light switches are covered in smudges and your refrigerator handles are filthy. No wonder girls never want to have sex with you.

Oh holy Lord, do I love me some pluots!

If you were like me a couple weeks ago, you are now scratching your head and saying in a very dumb voice “what’s a pluot?” You stupid fucking idiot, it’s only the best God damned fruit on this hell hole we call planet Earth. A pluot is a genetically engineered hybrid of a plum and an apricot. I already loved the fuck out of plums but I honestly have no idea what a stupid apricot tastes like, and I don’t give a shit because listen up dummy, when a plum and an apricot love each other very much the result is a beautiful pluot! A pluot could be made from Guy Fieri’s ball sweat and I would still make sweet love to them every night.

Oh… oh… OH… let me tell you about a man who should be worshiped and feared. A man who looks at God’s fruit and says “Are you fucking kidding me? Is that the best you got?” This beautiful son-of-a-bitch is Floyd Zaiger, the genius who first forced a plum and an apricot to have dirty sex (that’s how it’s done, right?). Compared to Floyd, you and I are insignificant, worthless failures. Yeah, that’s right, when was the last time YOU invented the best tasting fruit in the FUCKING UNIVERSE? You and I sit around all day eating Pringles and watching people fall off their skateboards on YouTube, while this magnificent creature designs a piece of fruit so delicious it would make Jesus cry. There should be a never-ending line of people on their knees waiting to blow this man.

Floyd Zaiger is GOD!