You just made my list!

Well, it’s official, the universe will implode on February 5th, 2011 at 11:30 Eastern Standard Time.

The earth will rip apart and just as the molten goo from the center of our planet begins to melt your skin off, you will have just enough time to reflect on all the time you wasted carefully placing 20 pillows on your bed every morning. You will beg God for another chance to live life to the fullest but your screaming prayers will go unanswered, because the instant Dana Carvey and Linkin Park share the Saturday Night Live stage, heaven will be the first thing to explode. Poof… no more God. Satan is calling the shots now, pal. It’s over.

I already know that I’m the only person who cares about this so feel free to discuss any topic of your choice. I don’t care, It’s my list and I am sticking to my boring topic. Blogging fever, CATCH IT!

Dear Music Video Director Jerks,

Can you hear the slow clap I am currently performing in your honor? It’s so slow that my first clap occurred on March 15th, 1993 and the next scheduled clap will take place on August 3rd of this year. This slow clap is so fucking epic that I don’t anticipate the pace to pick up to its unstoppable fast clap ending until the year 2051. I have planned the culmination of my slow clap to coincide with the 100 year anniversary* of the microphone you love to use in every music video since the birth of MTV in the early 80s.

I get it, you think the Shure 55 series mics have more “presence” on film and make the singer look “sexy” when they inevitably wrap their hands around the mic and press their disease-ridden mouths up against it, but maybe it’s time to move on to the next cliché. Hey, it’s OK, don’t cry! I’m sure if we work together we can find some untapped cliché to exploit. How about singers singing into giant, realistic dildos? If Justin Bieber was singing into a big, veiny rubber cock I might actually start watching music videos again.

So let’s just put the wacky 50s microphones away and move on to big rubber dicks.

Thank you in advance.

Sincerely,
Listy

*I think it’s about 100 years. If I’m wrong I don’t need some microphone nerd telling me otherwise.

For the record, I had no idea if this Creed video actually used a Shure 55 microphone but I had a feeling. I was right. I’m always right.

Also for the record, I had no idea if any Alice in Chains videos used this mic but, once again, I was right. I should also point out that this song rules.

Is it wrong to want to hurt children?

Am I a bad person for fantasizing about punching these tiny turds (girls included) square in the face? It seems like maybe that’s wrong somehow.

The basic premise is “music sung by kids, for kids,” but why? If you want your kids to listen to shitty music why not just let them listen to the original shitty versions? I PROMISE you Train’s version of “Hey Soul Sister” is adequately filled with shit and gains nothing by being performed by shitty theater brats with shit-eating grins on their shitty faces. SHIT! Just think of the sound of all their little teeth hitting the floor.

Here’s an idea… let your kids listen to real music! This is your opportunity as a parent to cram some good taste down their throats. Kids, or kidz, can comprehend and enjoy music sung by adults. Listening to Kidz Bop is like taking your child to a 9-year-old dentist.

On a side note, while researching Kidz Bop (PAINFUL) I discovered these hair-dos. Maybe they are famous? Stereo Skyline, anyone? I am speechless.

When will it end?

I have been waiting for Jon Bon Jovi and his hair to go away since 1987 but somehow, like a bland zombie, he keeps eating my brains.

WAIT! STOP! Fight that urge to tell me that 80s Bon Jovi is “awesome” because “Livin’ On A Prayer” sucked then and it continues to exponentially suck now.

“But what about ‘Wanted Dead or Alive?'” you ask. It is true that riding on a steel horse and leaving no face un-rocked has a certain je ne sais quoi but, much like what we see with the Areosmith formula, any awesomeness found within “Wanted Dead or Alive” is erased by 20+ years of faces being sprayed with the shit that spews from this ass’s ass.

The summer before my senior year of high school I was super in love with this mysterious girl who moved to my town from another state, a Bon Jovi loving state. When I discovered she was a huge Jovi fan and not a fan of the flawlessly awesome music I listened to, I had to cut her loose.* Sorry baby, I’ve seen a million faces…

*She dumped me.

Have you seen the new video for “The Kill” by “30 Seconds to Mars,” Jared Leto’s shit emo band? Of course you haven’t because you aren’t a 13-year-old girl. The premise is basically this… Jared Leto and his band check into a hotel with 10 suitcases of eyeliner and a desire to shit all over Kubrick’s “The Shining.” Then some screaming and intense glaring at the camera happens. Oh yeah, then Jared Leto fucks Jared Leto in a hallway.

10 easy steps to becoming a Juggalo:

1. Be white. The whiter the better. Try to be almost clear if possible.

2. Be drunk and/or high at least 65% of any given day.

3. Be so incredibly stupid that when you aren’t drunk and/or high it’s impossible to tell the difference.

4. Be poor.

5. Be shaped like a beanbag chair. Alternatively, be shockingly skinny from crystal meth abuse.

6. Have lots of free time. Don’t let bullshit like school or a job get in the way of your Juggalo activities. That fat face isn’t going to paint itself.

7. Love to braid your hair.

8. Have crooked hands. I don’t know what it is but anytime I see a photo of a Juggalo their hands and fingers are all twisted up. I wonder if this is caused by a steady diet of Faygo, off-brand beef sticks and video games.

9. Be in a wheelchair. Juggalos in wheelchairs get extra bonus points!

10. Be amazed and perplexed by magnets.

Gallery of parental failure:

“Water, fire, air and dirt. Fucking magnets, how do they work?”

Really?

I’ve got to hand it to Weezer for finding a perfect way to illustrate how thoroughly bland and desperate their music has become, a photo of “Hurley” from everyone’s favorite island of mystical bullshit, Lost.  I guess in many ways listening to a new Weezer album is just like watching Lost… you sit there confused for an hour wondering what kind of nerds wrote this shit and when it’s all over you wonder why you keep coming back to the teat for more, like the big dumb asshole you are.

When asked about their decision to use a photo of actor Jorge Garcia on the cover of their latest album, Weezer had this to say, “Blah blah blah, ironic, Star Wars, shyness, windbreakers.”

What the fuck happened? Weezer used to rule. Sure, it was way back when Clinton was still jizzing all over the White House, but still those first couple albums are classics.

In case you were wondering, the songs on “Hurley” suck gorilla taint.

Yes, tonight was the rescheduled Rush concert and yes, they made up for the canceled show with free Rush hats for all! Why am I telling you this? Because it’s late and I can’t get my brain to work well enough to write.

Rush was pretty bad ass tonight and watching thousands of people simultaneously air drum is one of the most awesome things you could ever hope to see.

In case Rush is not your thing (pussy), here’s a bunch of penguins chasing a butterfly.

In case you sort of like Rush and sort of like cute things, here’s a 5 year old playing Tom Sawyer on the drums.