Hey jerks, remember how I said I had a book offer and I totally blew it off? Well, that was true but also a lie. The truth is this, I have actually been working on something HUGE and I can finally talk about it. Sort of.
Let’s just say your hero and savior, Listy, will soon be on your stupid flat screen TV. Well not me personally, but You Just Made My List, as a concept, will.
I’m going to be so fucking famous! I can’t wait to go to pool parties at Guy Fieri’s mansion!
So anyway, I’m cutting this piece of paper on Friday with an X-acto knife when all of a sudden I see the side of my finger sitting there on the table? I looked at it and thought “Why aren’t you on my hand anymore?” The arrogant piece of finger just stared back at me like “What are you gonna do about it?”
There’s no part of this video that is funny or worth joking around about. If you think this cunt is a GIANT CUNT then turn it into something positive and text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation to help the earthquake & tsunami victims in Japan.
By the way, here’s what it was like to be in the middle of that little “tsunami thing.”
Well, I posted the photographic evidence and the videos, so my work here is pretty much done. No need to say anything more about this, goodnight.
Fine, I’ll try to get through this without killing myself but I’m just warning all you babies out there, the next baby I see is getting punched in the face. I know it seems harsh but you can blame E-Trade and especially these nightmarish commercials directed by Satan for Hawk Ford. Yeah that’s right, I now hate ALL babies, way to go TV!
I didn’t like it when E-Trade hired magical talking babies to peddle their website, but at least the E-Trade kid doesn’t look like an angry, deformed baby who just dunked its own face into a bucket of acid before running after you with a knife. Jesu Christo, how did this shit get approved?!? How is it possible that somebody at the ad agency didn’t say “Well, obviously we can’t show the client this, what else do you got?” Why not just hire the fucking baby from Eraserhead for your next round of commercials?
Oh, and by the way baby, why don’t you shut your mouth and leave the car-buying decisions to the people actually paying for the God damn car. You get no say in the matter so keep your snarky opinions to yourself until YOU can afford to buy your own car, you creepy Michael-Myers-mask-looking piece of shit!
Finally Chevy has figured out a way for you to NEVER escape the incessant, meaningless blathering barfed out by all of your “friends” on Facebook. You never said more than two words to these people when you sat next to them in algebra 20 years ago, but thanks to the magic of Facebook, you now have an up-to-the-minute update of every dumb thing their fat kids do and say.
Well, guess what? Your once peaceful drive home from the adult book store is now going to be filled with wacky anecdotes about microwaved Legos and pancakes found under rugs. Good luck getting a boner after that.
I invite you all to take a look at your Facebook “news feed” right now and imagine what it would sound like to have it read to you by your car. For example, if I was driving right now I would learn that “After shopping all afternoon with my kids, it’s safe to say I am NOT a ‘shop till you drop’ kind of person!!! LOL!”
First, God purposefully kills Corey on my birthday, then last night he had the fucking balls to cut Haim out of the Academy Awards death montage! When God killed Corey last year, I thought he was sending a message to young Hollywood, but now that I see his latest stunt I can clearly see this is all designed to upset me!
Well guess what God, I think you are a real meanie for trying to ruin my Oscars party. You know I spent two solid hours popping popcorn! I know you saw it because the bible tells us in Levitra 2:13-17 “And so-eth it shall be known-eth that I, the supreme overload, shall keep tabs upon you and will monitor all things great and small, including but not limited to-eth, football games, The Country Music Awards, Childrens beauty pageants, etc. I even watch you while-est you are pooping.”
OK, before Rick Bayless tries to sue me, let me CLEARLY state, I DO NOT think there is anything sexual or technically inappropriate between Rick and his daughter Lanie… however let me also CLEARLY go on record and say ewww.
I mean come on Rick, you are obviously unable to see what everyone else sees. These two giggle and flirt back and forth worse than Jerry Seinfeld and Sheila on the “Shmoopy” episode. You hang up first. No, you hang up first. No, YOU hang up first. It’s creepy.
What’s that, you don’t agree? Well try this one on for size… there is an episode of Chef Bayless’ program “Mexico – One Plate at Time” where he decides to dig a fire pit in his yard while Lanie yucks it up inside, pretending to know what the fuck she’s talking about. Rick strips down to his wife beater (a woman’s wife beater, not the cool ‘Raging Bull’ kind) and gets all sweaty shoveling in the dirt. It’s borderline gay porn. Meanwhile, Lanie is blabbing on about some bullshit in the kitchen and actually says “Speaking of hot, let’s see how my dad is doing.”
Let’s take the whole father/daughter sexual tension horribleness out of the equation and talk about the other thing wrong with this picture. Why the fuck am I listening to a 13-year-old tell me how to make salsa? You know what Lanie, thanks but I think I can take it from here. Aren’t you missing a therapist appointment or something?
Hey ladies, do you want a new car? Of course you do. You could work hard, save your money and buy yourself a new car but who has the energy for that bullshit? Why don’t you do it the Mama Gena way and get your husband to buy you a new car. All you have to do is whore it up a little and that new PT Cruiser will be sitting in your driveway before you can say “low self esteem!” Now, when I say act like a whore I’m not talking about simply getting a little kinky in the bedroom, I mean literally be a whore and trade sex for objects, because after all, isn’t that what a healthy relationship is all about. PREACH SISTER GODDESS!
Have you ever seen a mom, perhaps your own, drink a few too many glasses of white wine (with ice) and attempt to skateboard? It inevitably ends with her splayed out on the driveway with her skirt over her head, laughing maniacally while everyone else just stares and feels embarrassed on her behalf. Mama Gena’s pathetic antics are not even CLOSE to being that cool.
For the low low price of $4,750 (you know, that makes a decent down payment on a new car) Mama Gena will help you find your inner vapid bimbo. Oh, it’s worth it, just watch her describe the complex art of “sexy” hand holding in the clip below and you’ll see she really knows her stuff. It’s like watching a virgin describe how to give a blowjob. I should also mention that the virgin is your sister and she’s demonstrating on your dad’s finger.